Vhen te 'Angover Cleared...

Zo eet vas me and te Kelpie on St. Patrick's Day. Ee zaid to te Kelpie "Vhat vill ve do to celebrate zuch an 'onorable zaint" and te Kelpie zaid "Let's go have sushi" and tere yoo 'ave eet. Ee celebrated St. Patrick by 'aving zome zushi, lots of zushi een fact. To be fair Ee did go to A Irish bar, but eet vas only long enough to drink one keg of beer. 'Owever, eet should be mentioned tat tere vas much zake drunk and ve terrorized zeveral people on 9th Ave by chasing tem eento te Park. Eet vas great fun. Ee tink ve vill 'ave to try eet more often. Ee just love te look on all teir faces as ve growled and bared our teeth! Ahhh...eef only Ee could do zo more often, but te Kelpie ees zort of antisocial. Ee do no know vhy. Ee 'ave tried to get 'im to go out, but 'e always zays no. Zome 'orses are just too 'ard to change.

Anyvay, Ee voke up Monday morning remembering Ee 'ad to go to court...Again...because Ee ate te ticket zeller a few weeks ago. Ee vas no zo 'appy. Te Kelpie zaid 'e 'ad a lawyer ('e vas eenvolved een a legal dispute vit te Park a few years ago, tey vanted to fill een 'is 'ome and 'e did no vant to move). Zo ve vent to 'is lawyer Melvin "Crazy Cat" Cougar. Mel 'as been living een te Park for years and nobody eemportant 'as noticed 'im yet, tough Ee tink 'e vould eat anyone vho vould try to boot 'im out anyvay. Zo Mel 'as decided to take my case. Ee 'ave been assured tat eet ees no zo bad and ee vill probably only 'ave zome community zervice to do...like taking care of babies, visiting te elderly, feeding zoup to te 'omeless. All tis Ee can do. Ee just 'ave to remember no to eat anyone eef Ee am zo eenclined. 'E also zays Ee must look friendly, eat less meat, and visit te dentist before te trial. Ee zaid Ee no 'ave a dentist and 'e just looked me een te eye and zaid "find one" een a quiet, but treatening tone. Zo eef anyone can recommend a dentist vho ees no zo afraid of a T-Rex Ee am interviewing dentists now. Next veek Ee go zhopping for zome new clothes for court. Mel zaid tey must take me seriously, but also to look "vhimsicle" Ee tink tat means Ee need "fun" socks vit dachshunds on tem, n'est pas?

And te Par-Tay Continued...

Zo, in 'onor of Zaint David Ee and my new friends te Velsh Dragons vent to Durty Nelly's for beer and zome shepherd's pie Friday night (eet vas not zadly filled vit real shepherds, very disappointing Ee know). 'Onestly, ve could no return to Dylans as ve 'ad accidently trashed te place playing "Pin te Dragon on te Keg" and zomeone, Ee vill no zay vho, burnt te vhole place down. Ee 'ave te commemorative brick on my mantle and eet ees slightly melted een a Dali zort of vay. Anyvay, eet vas good times. After te pub, ve vent down to te beach and played "Vho Can Belch te Loudest" (Ee am te proud vinner Ee vant yoo to know) and ten ve all passed out. Tose are te best dragon friends Ee ever met. Zo to continue Zaint David's Day zome more ve vent out to Egyptian on Saturday to celebrate. Tere vas much lamb (oh tose elusive shepherds...) and dancing and Ee learned how to roll my stomach from te half naked dancer and 'ad many new drinks and 'ad to sleep eet off een te park vit Ozzy zince Ee could no make eet home. Te next day Ee vent to te Russian River vit the dragons for Zaint David's Day and ve vent Barrel tasting. Now, tat's my kind of fun. Tere vas food, tere vas vine, tere vas zunshine...Eet vas a glorious vay to end the Zaint David's Day Fest 2007. I can no vait until Zaint Patrick's Day!! Ee vonder 'ow long ve can keep tat one going? Zad ting ees Ee got 'ome and Ee 'ad received my summons for court for eatting tat ticket agent vit Nessy. She got one too. Ee told 'er ve should 'ire Diamond Dave, but 'e's an Arizona laywer zo ve are back to square one. Ah at least Ee 'ave te memories of Zaint David's Days!

Oy Vhat a Night!

Okay, ve all know Ee am no zo good vit limitations and Ee am afraid last night vas no exception. Eet ees terrible Ee know. Vell tere ve vere, me and te Velsh Dragons at Dylan's Pub all cozy and vhat not and ten zomeone started een vit the vhole zing-along ting, yoo know like te Velsh always do on Zt. David's Day. Zo after zeveral kegs of Double Dragon and zome Ztrong Bow ve vere pretty much on our vay to 'aving to sleep een te pub. Tat vas vhen zomeone started to zing "Oes Gafr Eto" and by te time ve got to te pink goat een te zong ve vere a stompin' our feets and te building vas a shakin' and te vhole Bay area 'ad anoter eartquake on eets hands. Ee must admit Ee vas relieved eet vas only a 4.2. Ee may be a consumate drunk, but Ee am not for total mass destruction, unless Ee get zome dinner out of eet. Ee 'onestly do no remember much of te rest of te evening. After te eartquake tere vas zometing about a showdown vit a muni car een te Castro tunnel, vhich might explain vhy Ee 'ave all tese cuts and bruises. Vell, do no be zo zuprised, eet vas looking at me all funny like. Ee do remember zaying "Are yoo lookin' at me? Are yoo lookin' at me yoo big muni car?" And Eet just stared at me, zo Ee took tat as an invitation for a fight. Ee know, Ee know. Eet ees a muni car, vhat's eet going to do? Honk? Eet did, but only after Ee attacked. Tere vere zirens, but ve did no stay long to find out eef tey vere for me. Ee voke up tis morning an old battery at te beach, but te zun vas shining zo vit any luck eet vill be a good day as zoon as Ee get over my 'angover.

'Appy Zaint David's Day!

Ee know vhat yoo are tinking. Ee am French, vhy vould Ee be eenterested in Zaint David. Vell! Yoo should zee vhat 'as been vritten about me een te distant past of my youth. Ee once vas known for trowing te best parties een te vorld. Ten Ee got old, married, and 'ad zeveral children. Eet 'appens yoo know. Zo 'ere eet ees...

Dewi the Dragon

Dewi the dragon was flying back home
when he came across a stray garden gnome.
The gnome he was eating, the gnome he was drinking,
he was just settling in to his gnome picnic feast.
So Dewi the dragon, he swooped from the sky,
dove to the earth, and plopped down beside.
"Oh gnome, I dare say, you have plenty to eat,
how about giving this dragon a treat?"
"Oh dragon you'll eat me. I've heard of your kind.
Here take all of my beer, take all of my wine!"
"Today is a feast day--no gnome meals allowed.
See I've brought my own cheese, now let's invite that cow."
"Uh huh" said the cow, who was wiser than that,
"I'll stay just right here and keep chewing the fat!"
The dragon he sighed, and flew into the sky,
shedding big dragon tears as he started to fly.
"It's true that I eat them, but today's a special day.
So I'll find me some leeks and be on my way."
And lo past the river he spied some of his leeks
and he settled on down for his St. David's Day feast.
"Excuse me," said a dragon landing by his side,
"do you mind if I eat and with you here abide?"
"Not at all" said young Dewi "I just got blown off by a gnome,
impeccably bad manners, but tasty to the bone!"
"Oh I know," said the dragon, whose name was Dear Trixie,
"such vile creatures, but they do taste like whiskey!"
"Are you feasting today?" She asked cheerily,
"I'm on my way to a fete and I needed some leeks."
Then Dewi exclaimed "You too must be going to the Venerable Maurice's,
he's wicked, he's wacky, but he's a fun loving creature!"
So off they flew that Dewi and Trixie,
off to Maurice's that said par-tay fixer.
The party was grand, beer poured from the fountain
and the cheese was piled up as high as a mountain.
Maurice he came over and greeted his guests,
and he listed with care to Dewi's tale of distress.
Then he sighed, rolled his eyes,
and had these words to say:
"Tat ees okay, today ve 'ave cheese, ve 'ave leeks, and zome beer,
but tomorrow ve are free to 'ave gnome and steak, zo be cheered!"
Then they all laughed for they knew it was true,
he'd hunt down that gnome and that crazy cow too!"