Ee Am No An 'Elp Line!!!
Vhat ees tis vorld coming to? Ee do no know zo much anymore. Zo tere Ee vas, zipping my vine yesterday afternoon een a cafe and te fone rings...
Me: 'Ello?
Unknown: I'm so upset, I just don't know what to do!!
Me: Paris?
Unknown: No, no, no. No one takes me seriously!
Me: Paris? Ees that yoo?
Unknown: I was well respected in New York and out here everyone treats me like I can't dance because I can't speak Viennese!
Me: Yoo mean German.
Unknown: No, I mean Viennese, the language they speak in Vienna! Besides I dance better than anyone at ODC, but everyone laughs at me!
Me: ODC? Te Orange Dinosaur Company? Vhy vould yoo need to know German for tat?
Unknown: Not German, Viennese! You know, for the Viennese Waltz! And I [sob], and I just hate this town, I so want to go back to New York where everyone knew me!
Me: Uuuhhh, oakay. Are yoo an orange dinosaur?
Unknown: No, I'm a llama!
Me: [snickering] Ten 'ow do yoo expect to dance vit the ODC? Eef yoo are a llama yoo should be dancing vit te llamas!
Unknown: I don't want to dance with the llamas, they are all purple! I hate the color purple! I want to be orange!
Me: Vhy exactly are yoo calling me? Ee am no an 'airdresser nor an 'elp line.
Unknown: You know people! You can help me!
Me: Ee am zo zorry, but Ee do no speak American zo vell, Ee only speak Canandian. Vould you like Paris 'Ilton's fone number?
Unknown: This isn't Paris?
Me: No.
Unknown: Oh...Can I get her number then?
[Click]
Ee am no exactly zure vhat just 'appened tere. Eet vas te most random ting! Anyvay, Ee ordered a plate of cheese and enjoyed te rest of te afternoon in peace. 'Ow very odd eet vas tough, very odd eendeed!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
'Ello? Mr. Police Officer?...
Okay, Ee am no zo 'appy as of late. Vhat ees vit tis neighborhood? Ee am no zo zure vhy anyone vanted to steal my recycling bin, but now tey 'ave stolen a flower out of my yard. Oui! Ee know eet! Vho valks by my yard and tinks "ooh, how lovely, a yellow snapdragon. I think I'll take it home...roots and all!" Vhat te *&%^!! Tey took the vhole flower. Tey dug it up and ten, tey overturned another because...eet vas fun? Vhat the holy bleeping bleep of a bleeping bleepidy bleep bleep bleep!!! Vhat ees vrong vit tese people?!!! Ee can no report tem stolen because Ee tried. Te conversation vent like zo:
Me: Ello? Ee vould like to speak to zomeone about a teft.
Police: Okay, what is the nature of the theft?
Me: Zomeone stole a flower from my yard.
Police: A flower? You mean a singe piece of vegitation?
Me: Oui! Tey dug eet up, roots and all!
Police: I'm sorry, but we don't do that sort of thing.
Me: Vhat zort of ting? Zomebody stole a flower out of my yard!!
Police: So, what would you estimate the price of the flower to be?
Me: Te flower vas um, vell Ee do no know. $2.00 maybe? And te labor of planting eet vas like um $3.00
Police: Yes, well we aren't going to go out looking for a $5.00 plant when we have other more pressing matters like homicide to attend too.
Me: But vait! Ee vould like to report an 'omicide too!!
Police: You have a homicide to report?
Me: Oui! Zomebody killed a flower in my yard. Tey dug eet up and turned eet over to die!
Police: I'm sorry sir, but that is not a homicide.
Me: Oui, eet ees!
Police: We only investigate human murders, not plant murders.
Me: Yoo racist! How dare yoo insinuate a plant do no 'ave te zame rights as a 'uman. Vhat ees vit yoo people?
Police: Sir, I'm hanging up the phone now. Please do not call again.
Zo, Ee am taking matters eento my own paws! Ee vill 'unt down te murdering teif and Ee vill make 'im buy me new plants and ten Ee vill toss tem eento my NEW recycling bin and dump tem eento te ocean...Brewhahahaha! Brewhahahah! Okay, actually Ee vill just rip tere head off after tey plant my new flower. Ee am zo distressed! Ee need a glass of vine...MAINTENANT!!!
Okay, Ee am no zo 'appy as of late. Vhat ees vit tis neighborhood? Ee am no zo zure vhy anyone vanted to steal my recycling bin, but now tey 'ave stolen a flower out of my yard. Oui! Ee know eet! Vho valks by my yard and tinks "ooh, how lovely, a yellow snapdragon. I think I'll take it home...roots and all!" Vhat te *&%^!! Tey took the vhole flower. Tey dug it up and ten, tey overturned another because...eet vas fun? Vhat the holy bleeping bleep of a bleeping bleepidy bleep bleep bleep!!! Vhat ees vrong vit tese people?!!! Ee can no report tem stolen because Ee tried. Te conversation vent like zo:
Me: Ello? Ee vould like to speak to zomeone about a teft.
Police: Okay, what is the nature of the theft?
Me: Zomeone stole a flower from my yard.
Police: A flower? You mean a singe piece of vegitation?
Me: Oui! Tey dug eet up, roots and all!
Police: I'm sorry, but we don't do that sort of thing.
Me: Vhat zort of ting? Zomebody stole a flower out of my yard!!
Police: So, what would you estimate the price of the flower to be?
Me: Te flower vas um, vell Ee do no know. $2.00 maybe? And te labor of planting eet vas like um $3.00
Police: Yes, well we aren't going to go out looking for a $5.00 plant when we have other more pressing matters like homicide to attend too.
Me: But vait! Ee vould like to report an 'omicide too!!
Police: You have a homicide to report?
Me: Oui! Zomebody killed a flower in my yard. Tey dug eet up and turned eet over to die!
Police: I'm sorry sir, but that is not a homicide.
Me: Oui, eet ees!
Police: We only investigate human murders, not plant murders.
Me: Yoo racist! How dare yoo insinuate a plant do no 'ave te zame rights as a 'uman. Vhat ees vit yoo people?
Police: Sir, I'm hanging up the phone now. Please do not call again.
Zo, Ee am taking matters eento my own paws! Ee vill 'unt down te murdering teif and Ee vill make 'im buy me new plants and ten Ee vill toss tem eento my NEW recycling bin and dump tem eento te ocean...Brewhahahaha! Brewhahahah! Okay, actually Ee vill just rip tere head off after tey plant my new flower. Ee am zo distressed! Ee need a glass of vine...MAINTENANT!!!
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Fater's Day...
Zo as yoo may vell remember Ee 'ave 137 children. Tey are all ages, zo Vater's Day ees a big deal to me. Zo Ee vill be posting from France as Ee am 'aving a grand fete at the chateau. Ee 'ave no been to te chateau for zome time, mostly because everytime Ee go Babette zays tings like:"Oh Maurice, te kitchen ees crumbling again, vould yoo fix eet? And te grass 'as completely over taken te bedroom again, Ee told yoo Ee vanted just lavender een tere! And vould yoo speak to te pidgeons again, tey are only renting te tower, not te tower and te vest ving! And te owl 'as got to be evicted vit all 'is late night parties vit te racoons. Ee don't know vhat Ee vould do vitout good tennents like te foxes. Have yoo seen any of our eggs? Ee sweare eet ees like tey just valked off or zomething!" And te list continues. 'Owever, ve vorked eet out long ago tat each of my children get me te vine tey are named after for fater's day. Eet 'as vorked out very vell een my favor indeed!
Te last few veeks 'ave been less tan interesting. Nessy ees apparently going to zome crazy vine weekend een New York. Ee did not even know tey had vine tere. Eet vas very surprising, but Nessy knows tis nice lake vit a paddle boat and she plans to go and 'ave a good time scaring drunks late at night. Both te Basilysk and Chuck, Nessy's 'usband, zaid to let 'er go and 'ave 'er veekend vit te girls, ve vere going to be men and go off to te voods and drink beer instead. Ee am no zo zure about tis. Neither te Basilysk nor Chuck are really te camping zort. Ee am no te camping zort, nor do Ee trust te Basilysk to pick out good beer. Ee vill drink anyting zo long as eet tastes good, but Ee am quite certain te last time Ee zaw te Basilysk drink beer eet vas about tree centuries ago. Ee do no tink 'e knows vhat 'e ees doing, especially as beer 'as changed zo much.
Kleeford ees still plugging avay at 'is translation of St. Sabastian of te Flowering Log. Eet ees very difficult for him yoo know vit the tiny legs and te big paws. Tey just do no make pencils for dachshunds. Zo te process ees slow going. 'E mostly dictates 'is stuff onto te computer, but te computer ees no zo vorking good. Eet must be very tough 'aving zo short legs...oh vait, zo do Ee. But at least Ee 'ave nails....
No fone calls from Paris. Jail ees a vonderful ting, zo long as Ee am no in it! Zo tis morning Ee vas at te dump vit te seagulls--tey invited me for breakfast. Eet vas very nice, but Ee vould rater 'ave no 'ave 'ad to pick out my food like zo. But again, eet vas very nice of tem. One should always 'ave breakfast by te beach, eet makes te food more....savory....Anyvay, Ee must be going. Ee 'ave a plane to catch or um, a p-terodactyl zince Ee am no longer allowed at te regular airport anymore!
Zo as yoo may vell remember Ee 'ave 137 children. Tey are all ages, zo Vater's Day ees a big deal to me. Zo Ee vill be posting from France as Ee am 'aving a grand fete at the chateau. Ee 'ave no been to te chateau for zome time, mostly because everytime Ee go Babette zays tings like:"Oh Maurice, te kitchen ees crumbling again, vould yoo fix eet? And te grass 'as completely over taken te bedroom again, Ee told yoo Ee vanted just lavender een tere! And vould yoo speak to te pidgeons again, tey are only renting te tower, not te tower and te vest ving! And te owl 'as got to be evicted vit all 'is late night parties vit te racoons. Ee don't know vhat Ee vould do vitout good tennents like te foxes. Have yoo seen any of our eggs? Ee sweare eet ees like tey just valked off or zomething!" And te list continues. 'Owever, ve vorked eet out long ago tat each of my children get me te vine tey are named after for fater's day. Eet 'as vorked out very vell een my favor indeed!
Te last few veeks 'ave been less tan interesting. Nessy ees apparently going to zome crazy vine weekend een New York. Ee did not even know tey had vine tere. Eet vas very surprising, but Nessy knows tis nice lake vit a paddle boat and she plans to go and 'ave a good time scaring drunks late at night. Both te Basilysk and Chuck, Nessy's 'usband, zaid to let 'er go and 'ave 'er veekend vit te girls, ve vere going to be men and go off to te voods and drink beer instead. Ee am no zo zure about tis. Neither te Basilysk nor Chuck are really te camping zort. Ee am no te camping zort, nor do Ee trust te Basilysk to pick out good beer. Ee vill drink anyting zo long as eet tastes good, but Ee am quite certain te last time Ee zaw te Basilysk drink beer eet vas about tree centuries ago. Ee do no tink 'e knows vhat 'e ees doing, especially as beer 'as changed zo much.
Kleeford ees still plugging avay at 'is translation of St. Sabastian of te Flowering Log. Eet ees very difficult for him yoo know vit the tiny legs and te big paws. Tey just do no make pencils for dachshunds. Zo te process ees slow going. 'E mostly dictates 'is stuff onto te computer, but te computer ees no zo vorking good. Eet must be very tough 'aving zo short legs...oh vait, zo do Ee. But at least Ee 'ave nails....
No fone calls from Paris. Jail ees a vonderful ting, zo long as Ee am no in it! Zo tis morning Ee vas at te dump vit te seagulls--tey invited me for breakfast. Eet vas very nice, but Ee vould rater 'ave no 'ave 'ad to pick out my food like zo. But again, eet vas very nice of tem. One should always 'ave breakfast by te beach, eet makes te food more....savory....Anyvay, Ee must be going. Ee 'ave a plane to catch or um, a p-terodactyl zince Ee am no longer allowed at te regular airport anymore!
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