Ee vas zupposed to post tis yeesterday:

Twas the night before Solstice and all through the ruin,
not a creature was stirring not even the druids;
the stockings were hung by the former chimney with care,
in hopes that the Solstice Bunny would soon be there;
The T-Rexes were nesteled all snug in their nests,
while visions of lamb-chops danced in their heads;
and mamma in her buffant, and I in my berret,
had just settled in from a long winter's forray,
when out in the feild there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the nest to see what was the matter.
Through the window I roared in a flash,
ripped open the curtains and tore off the sash!
The moon shone over the ice crusted field
and gave it a luster that made it seem weird,
when what to my dinosaur eyes should appear,
but a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny micedeer,
with a jack rabbit driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be Rabbit Nick.
Faster than pterodactyls his micedeer came,
and he whistled and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Attila! Now, Ghengis! Now, Napoleon and Wellington!
On Julius! On, Rameses! On, Romulus and Washington!
To the top of the castle! Over the mote!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
As the dry leaves that before a dragon's breath flew,
I swear to you that this story is positively true,
so up into the Solstice sky they flew,
with a sleigh full of food, and Rabbit Nick too,
and then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
the prancing and pawing of each tiny hoof.
As I drew in my paw, and was turning around,
down the chimny Rabbit Nick came in with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
his fur was all tarnished with ashes and soot;
a big bag of food he had flung on his back,
and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack,
his eyes-how they twinkled! His whiskers so merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn like a bow,
and the fur on his chin was as white as the snow;
the stump of a carrot he held in his teeth,
and the crumbs that encircled him glowed like a wreath;
He had a fuzzy face and a little round belly,
that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
He was suculent and plump, a right jolly elf,
and I laughed when I saw him inspite of myself;
a wisk of the ear and a twist of the head,
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
he said not a word, but went straight to his work,
he filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
and whisking his ears and twiching his nose,
he gave a great nod and up the chimney he rose;
he sprung to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
and way they all flew like a swift flying kestrel,
but I heard him exclaim, before he drove out of sight
"Happy Solstice to all, and to all a good night!"

Solstice Cheer...

Ee tought tat vhile Ee vas tinking of eet tat Ee vould post zome Solstice songs for all of yoo to zing this year.

"Stalking Prey"
Dashing through the trees
in a mostly bipedal way
over the swamp we go
laughing all the way: Grah ha ha!
Teradactyls o'er the trees
pointing out the prey
oh what fun it is to sing
a slaying song tonight!
Oh run like wind, catch your prey
eat it quick for now.
Oh what fun it is to slay
and eat on Winter Solstice Eve. Hay!

"The First Kill"
The first kill a T-Rex can make
is on certain poor shepherds in fields where they lay.
In fields where they keep their tasty sheep
In the cold winters' night He likes to creep.
Slaughtering, Slaughtering, Slaughtering sheep and shepherds
born is the instinct of a great killer.
They looked up and saw a T-Rex
shining teeth in moonlight above their heads.
And to the earth He dove his big head
and so He slaughtered both day and night.
Slaughtering, Slaughtering, Slaughtering sheep and shepherds
born is the instinct of a great killer.

Clifford zays tat tese are none too 'appy for te rest of yoo. Ee tink tey are very appropiate. 'Owever, 'e 'as zuggested a dachshund solstice song. Eet matches no music Ee know. Zo 'ere goes.

"Dachshund Solstice/Christmas/Thanksgiving/Easter Song"
Hey ha fa la la la la
it's the dachshund song of Solstice time!
Hey ha fa la la la la
it's the dachshund song of Solstice time!
We hunt, we forage for our food
sit and beg and bark some too.
Hey ha fa la la la la
it's the dachshund song of Solstice time!
It's a night of turkey, roast beef, and ham
we don't even mind if you pull out the lamb.
Hey ha fa la la la la
it's the dachshund song of Solstice time!
Anything you want to pass our way
like turkey gravy hey, hey, hey.
Hey ha fa la la la la
it's the dachshund song of Solstice time!
And now our song is good and done
and all our tummy's are full! Arf! Arf!
Hey ha fa la la la la
it's the dachshund song of Solstice time!
Hey ha fa la la la la
it's the dachshund song of Solstice time!

Ee know vhat yoo are tinking. Ee tink zo too. Tey 'ave one zong and keep replacing the 'oliday vord. Eee Gads! Vell to each teir own.

Darius, Yoor Fired!!

Ee tought eet vas a good idea to 'ire a spider to be my typist (vit all te legs, yoo know?), but not only did eet not vork but 'e 'as ruined everyting! Eet vas brought to my attention tat Ee 'ave an 'eavy accent and eet appears een my typing (yoo try being a T-Rex and type. Eet ees zo undignified!) Zo Ee gave Darius a job and dictated my journal. Not only vas 'e not 'eavy enough to press down on te keys, but 'e just zat tere and listened to Barry Manilow. (Ee do not understand tis eiter). Zo Ee fired 'im.

And ten 'e zevered my eenternet connection by 'iring zome racoons vho vork for te God Pidgeon. Now Ee 'ave a library card and ee can only type a little a time (eet takes a long time to type like moi. And eet vas not easy to get a card. Ee 'ad to promise to not drool on te keyboard vhen Ee concentrate. Grrrr....)

Zo yoo 'ave all missed much een my very eenteresting life. (C'est moi after all, tres interesting. All Ee can zay for now ees tat before Ee 'ead off to France for Vinter Solstice vit Babette et les enfants Ee 'ad a party to attend. Ee vent to a 'oliday party 'ere. Tere vere many engineers. Eet vas all choo choo trains tis and choo choo trains tat and 'ere Maurice 'ave anoter shot of vhiskey. Ee at first zaid "non! Ee like te vine. Eet ees very good." But tey vere tres insistant. (Alors, Ee vas very sneaky and Ee only drank martini's. Tey vere zo drunk tey never noticed). Zo Ee vatched tem all get drunk and party like frat boys vitch resulted in "massive 'urling" everyvhere. Ee do not tink many trains vere running te next day. Fortunately Ee drove my tank zo Ee did not 'ave to ride te trains. My good old tank Ee can not get my renewal sticker on. *&^%& Tank dealership for putting my license plate 'older on too tight. Grrrr....Ee should 'ave a vord vit tem.

Anyvay, Ee am back to typing myself zo yoo vill all just 'ave to put up vit the Francais, n'est pas? D'accord.

Grrr....Cardinals.....

Ee am very upset. Ee am zo upset eet ees been too 'ard for me to vrite!! Ztupid Cardinals! Ee spit on yoo! 'Ow could tey 'ave von? Ee do not understand! Ee tink tey must 'ave cheated, tose birds are evil!! Grrrr.....Grrr....Grrr...

Ee am zo annoyed, Ee can not eat nor drink. Eet ees impossible! Te poor Tigers. Ee 'ad zuch 'opes for tem. Tey 'ad zuch promise, zuch good game, Ee tought tey vould vin! Alors, non. Tis of course means Ee can not buy te land for te Flipside now zince Ee bet on te Tigers. Eet vas foolish Ee know, but Ee tought zurely tey vould vin, how could tey not? Grrrr....Ee tink eet 'as zometing to do vit te crime rate in St. Louis. Tey have te number one baseball team and the number one crime rate in America. Te Tigers are number 2 and live in te city vit the number two crime rate. Eef only Ee 'ad known tis information earlier Ee zurely would 'ave placed my bets differently. I vonder 'ow Zamanta vould like a bar een 'er backyard? Perhaps Ee could get a push cart and zell my drink upon the beach. Ack! Tat ees no good idea! Maybe Ee should go to St. Louis and "talk" to te Cardinals? Maybe Ee could build a time machine and make te Tigers vin or place a bet on te Cardinals. Hummm...Ee vonder how yoo build a time machine? Eef Ee did ten I vouldn't be zo poor...Vhat exactly ees a "Flux Compassitor" and vhere do Ee find a police box?

Moving te "FlipSide"

Ee do not recall eef Ee 'ave mentioned eet before, but Ee once 'ad a vine bar in Kalamazoo called te "FlipSide". Eet vas not so great Kalamazoo, but neiter vas te vine bar. Yoo zee Ee bought eet from some roaches for a dime Ee found on te zidewalk. Ee tried to "make it work" but my ex-vife and the God-Pidgeon got een te vay. Ee 'ad to turn eet over to te sled-dachshunds: Hoover, Eureka, Bissel, Oreck, Electrolux, Regina, Curbie, and te rest to compensate tem for emptying teir zavings account. Een retrospect eet vas not zuch a bad ting as just te police bears and te Medievalists showed up. Ee could 'andle te bears, but the Medievalists? Oh la la! Zuch party animals as Ee 'ad never seen. Eef yoo tought Ee vas bad yoo should zee tese Medievalists drink! Tere vas always dancing on te tables, loud recitations from "Beowulf" (te police bears liked tis very much), and far too much discussion of te crusades (tough tey vere good times Ee remember, tough a little too crunchy. Te Medievalist taste about te same as crusaders vitout the "desert dusting" seasoning. Medievalists have tat zame vine/hopps marinade to tem).

Zo Ee vent to Kalamazoo last veek and stopped in at te old glacier (Kalamazoo vas 'it vit an ice storm and never recovered--eet ees currently under a glacier tough te residents do not zeem to notice). Ee stopped eento te FlipSide and spoke to Hoover vho tried to show me te door, but Ee informed 'im Ee 'ad already zeen eet on my vay een. Anyvay, the dachsunds vere 'appy to zee me because tey vere tired of taking care of a bar. Tey vere very concerned about tis global varming ting and vanted to go back to Artic exploration vit Swiffer te Cat. Zo ve contacted zome Medievalists and 'eld an auction. Ee must admit te dachshunds did a very good job revamping te place, but tey are not very tall, zo tings higher tan a foot ofen did not fair vell. Ve zold eet to a Chaucerian for a lot more tan eet vas vorth considering ve drank te place dry te night before and now Ee tink Ee 'ave enough money to zet up shop in Zan Francisco. Eet ees unfortunate tere ees no glacier 'ere and te sled-dachshunds are off on anoter Artic adventure, but Ozzy zaid 'e 'ad very little to do and 'e vould 'elp out from time to time. My zon Fume Blanc 'as offered a vegan menu, but Ee am not certain Ee can conform to 'is new Organic-All-Te-Vay mentality. Now Ee just need to zelect a location...

No Zun, te Bubonic Plague, and Fume Blanc Goes Vegan...

Vhat ees vit tis place? Eet ees zuposed to be zummer now, but te zun 'as disappeared. Ee personally tink the parking police took eet because eet vas parked on te 'orizon too long! Grrrr....Eet 'as been cloudy for two days now. Ee am not 'appy. And vhen Ee am unhappy everyone ees unhappy.

Zo after reading te bubonic plague vas an epidemic 'ere 100 years ago Ee decided to zend Polly Ann to te vet. Ee do not care eef she 'as an ice cream shop, eef she 'as te plague she can no longer eat my cheese! Ee zent Clifford vit 'er, vhich means the gray cat and Ozzy are vit me now playing poker. (Ve are taking a break vhile te cat goes to te ATM at 7/11 and picks up zome more snacks.)

My zon called me tis morning to tell me 'e ees going vegan. Ee tought eet bad enough 'e became a vegetarian, but vegan? Ee am now shamed. My own zon. Mon petit Fume Blanc! Vhat ees tis vorld coming to? To give up cheese! Eet ees a zacrelidge! Vhat vill Ee do? Vhat eef all my children become vegans? Vhat vill Zolstice dinner be like ten? Ee do not tink Ee can eat tofufurky. Eet ees just zo vrong. Fortunately 'e ees not coming to visit anytime too zoon. Ee guess Ee could feed him...no, no ideas vhat zo ever! 'E must be a 'ippy. Ee can not explain eet anyoter vay. Fume Blanc ees a 'ippy (or Baccus forbid, part of a strange-no-animal-product-eatting-religous-zect)!

Te cat ees back. Zo Ee must go and eat my cheetos and pork rinds (vhich by te vay go very nicely vit merlot). Ee am up and plan to stay tat vay. Zometing should go good for me today!

Zince Vhen Are Good Deeds Punishable?

Zo Ee vas guilted eento getting Zamanta's glasses fixed and Ee vent down to te medical center and Ee found a good place to park my tank and Ee even filled te meter for an 'our. Ten Ee stomped across te street te get te glasses fixed and 'ad to vait. Zo Ee vaited, and vaited, and vaited, and vaited, and vaited, and vaited, and vaited (yoo get te picture). After an 'our and fifteen minutes zomeone finally zaw me and 'elped me. Te voman took te glasses te a back room and disappeared for another twenty minutes and ten came back vit te glasses as good as new. No charge. Ee vas feeling pretty good and 'oped Ee vould get back to te tank before te meter maid came back. Ee zort of did. Ee got back to a ticket not for an expired meter, but to incorrect parking. My wheeles vere not properly positioned for being on a 'ill. VHAT BLEEEPING hhHILL???!!! TAT VAS NO 'ILL!!! AND 'OW VAS EE TE PARK A TANK ANYVAY TE VHEELS DO NOT TURN ZO!!!! Grrrrrrr......

Zo Ee took my ticket and got eento te tank and Ee looked up "pig-headed-parking-police" in my GPS system and drove off. Ee ran every red light, hit 16 cars, ran over 3 pedestrians--but swerved to miss te donut truck, and crashed eento the parking police's front door. Ee jumped out of te tank and began biting everyting Ee could zee and ten te Rhino came out of 'is office.

"What are you doing?" te Rhino asked. "Ee am mad!! Ee got a parking ticket and Ee do not deserve eet!" Ee zaid. "Uh huh. You expect me to believe that?" "Oui!!! Tat vas no 'ill!!" "Let me see your ticket." 'E paused for a moment and ten zaid "That hill has a 3 percent grade, I'm sorry but you will have to pay the fine." Ee got mad, Ee got really mad and ten conviently Ee blacked out. Vhen Ee awoke Ee 'ad eatten te entire office and burned eet to te ground. And zo Ee got eento my tank and vent 'ome, but stopped off for ice cream first.

And zo 'ere Ee zit vaiting for te other paw te drop. Clifford zays Ee am lucky everyone ees afaid of me otervise Ee'd be back een jail. But Ee personally tink everyone knows tat vas no real 'ill. And Ee know Ee conviently left no vitnesses zo tey can not know eet vas me. My lawyer, te Giraffe, zays no one liked te parking police anyway zo eet vas no big loss, but Ee still 'ave to pay te fine. Grrr....Grrr..Grrrrrrr.....

Riding on te Gravy Train...

Toot toot! Ee 'ave decided Ee need a new ocupation. Not tat gambling and drinking are bad ocupations, Ee just tink eet ees time Ee explored my options. Ee am now...Ee do not remember 'ow old Ee am. Ee tink Ee stopped counting after my tird millenium. Zo, Ee vas een te back yard drinking vine and vatching Clifford gardening vhen my squatter approached me.
Me: Bonjour.
Rat: Bonjour.
Me: Do yoo 'ave any particular reason to be 'ere?
Rat: Well yes.
Me: And tat ees?
Rat: Oh yes, well actually I've been temporarily evicted.
Me: From vhere?
Rat: Oh I was living down at the beach in the sewer, but the humans are doing some construction down there and I had to find a new temporary residence.
Me: Really? And yoo chose tis place?
Rat: Well yes. When I moved in there wasn't much of a yard and certainly no dinosaur.
Me: Ee see.
Rat: Is he your gardener?
Me: Clifford? No, 'e ees te zecurity zystem.
Rat: Seriously? He's not even 14 lbs!
Me: Tough little guy tough. Vorks more like a zecurity blanket. Yoo break een and zee te cute dog and start to play vit 'im.
Rat: Rrrriiight.
Me: Yoo got a name?
Rat: Polly Ann.
Me: Yoo related to Polly Ann's on Noriega street?
Rat: That's me.
Me: Zeriously? Yoo own Polly Ann's Ice Cream?
Rat: Yes of course, do you like it?
(much gushing and fawning at tis point)
Rat: I have a gallon of blueberry cheesecake and a case of Cianti would you like some?
Me: Cianti....Ee 'ave a daughter named Cianti..
And zo ve drank and ate and drank and ate and ate zomemore and Clifford ate zome and te zun vas shining and eet vas warm and ve laughed and laughed and Ee velcomed Polly Ann to te neighborhood.

Now Ee know Ee vas to get rid of Polly Ann, but 'ow can Ee turn down vine and ice cream. Eet ees like te voman could zee my zoul. Ee told 'er she could stay as long as she needed. Ee 'ave worked eet out vit everyone. Ve all get ice cream. Ve are all 'appy as a stegasaurus stomping trough te stream.

Ee vill start Jenny Craig after Polly Ann leaves.

No Rest For Te Vicked...

Grrr.....Zo te trial vent smoothly. Diamond Dave did 'is job. Vhat Ee did not count on vas my ban from ALL airports FOREVER. Grrr...Ee 'ad te valk back from Arizona. Ee am not 'appy as Ee ruined my only shoes (Eet ees not easy being a dinosaur, ve 'ave no "discount outlets" for us). Ee did manage to zend Burgundy off te 'is mother. Apparently te "Dixie Chicks" did not vant 'im eiter; mostly because 'e vas not a chick, but a dinosuar. Ee am back in Zan Francisco now and am attempting to reclaim my yard from Ratty McRat. 'E ees very sneaky tat rat. Ee zuppose eet might be going better eef Ee did not spend zo much time at Te Park Chalet drinking vine and eatting fried brie vit Ozzy, but Ee 'ave eatten noting but "road food" for zeveral days and prison food and Ee deserve zome good meals. Ee vill start Jenny Craig zoon, Ee promise.

Clifford 'as taken up gardening. Zince 'e only zees een black and vhite 'e ees not zo good at picking out colors for te yard. Zo far everting ees purple and vhite. Ee told 'im 'e needs zome orange. 'E zays Ee just like to say orANge because Ee am French. Ee can not help eet eef Ee am French, Ee am just better tat vay. Ee promised to go to te garden center and help pick out colors, but Clifford zays Ee 'ave no taste! Ee told 'im "Ee am French! Ee am all taste!" Clifford replied "Yeah well I've seen some of that crap the french put out and try and call it haute culture." (yoo 'ave to imagine 'im spiting at te end otervise eet does not 'ave te zame effect.) "Te French invented Taste!" Ee zaid. Clifford replied "And that's why everyone drives French cars, wears high French fashion, and eats frog legs for dinner everynight!" "Tat ees because Americans 'ave no taste!" 'E might 'ave zaid zomething, but eet vas under 'is breath and Ee could not hear eet. Anyvay Ee vill sip my vine and vatch 'im garden. Eet ees a good plan, n'est pas?

Mail Call...

Zo te mail came today and eventough Ee have been 'ere a week and my trial ees tomorrow, my mail came today. C'est la vie. 'Ere ees a zample of my mail:

Dear Maurice,
How are you? I hope you are fine. Sorry about the whole jail thing we actually kind of miss you right now. Um, we need you to come home soon; there is a problem in the backyard. His name, well he won't actually give us his name so we are calling him Ratty McRat. We don't like him much because he's taken up residence between the Bulgarians and us. So between Ratty and Skunky (hanging out next door in the Chinese neighbors disused backyard)we could use some teeth around here.
Thanks a bunch,
Clifford the Little Red Dachshund

Maurice,
I have to say I'm a bit disappointed in your behavior at the airport. I hope you learned a valuable lesson here. I have spoken with your lawyers (both here and in Tuscan) and have been informed you'll be home soon. As for things around here I regret to inform you that you missed sushi twice last week. We went not only to the sushi boat place, but to Yoshi's and listened to jazz. Hopefully you'll be back in time to go for Dinosaur Opera Nite, though we are not ordering the sea urchin again. In other news your home has been invaded by a rather suspicious rat. He's taking over the neighborhood. I think the skunk next door has moved out. Sorry, I know you were close. Clifford and I both would like you to come home soon and deal with Mr. Rat.
All best,
Samantha

Maurice,
Hey, how's it going? Please come home soon. The rat has taken over my yard and is scaring my human kids. Technically he's on your side of the fence, but living between our houses. I can't get to him. What if he's a plague carrying rat? What if everyone gets sick and dies? Who will feed me then? So, um, forget everything I've ever said about you and please come home soon.
Good luck,
Vinnie the Bulgarian Beagle

Dearest Maurice,
Have you missed me? I have missed you. It has been such a long time since last we went gambling. Sorry to hear about your situation. I sincerly hope it is rectified soon. Give me a call when you get back in to town.
Gertrude the Gambling Jellyfish

Mon Cher Maurice,
Ee can not believe yoo are een jail again! Vhat vas eet tis time? Drunken and disorderly conduct? Eet ees a good ting ve are divorced. And vhere ees Burgundy? Vhy 'as 'e not returned 'ome? Vhat kind of a vater are yoo? A miserable example tat's vhat yoo are! 'Ow could Ee 'ave been zo zupid? Ee don't know vhy Ee boter vit yoo! Oh yes, because Ee married yoo!! Grrrr...Call me vhen yoo are out of jail. Ve need to discuss Fume Blanc and our anniversary plans for tis year.
love,
Babette

Cher Papa,
Ee 'ave made a great decision. After many months of tought Ee 'ave decided to become a vegetarian. Ee know, Ee know tat ve 'ave been carnivors since te dawn of te dinosaurs, but Ee can not take te confusion anymore and Ee 'ave decided eet ees better to eat no meat tan to vorry about eating a good person or making a mistake and ending up een te Antartica Prison for Deviant Dinosaurs. Ee 'ope yoo can live vit my decision and Ee 'ope yoo get out of jail zoon.
love,
Fume Blanc
P.S. Mama ees only upset because she doesn't know vhat to zerve for Vinter Zolstice dinner. Ee promise to take my vitamins zo Ee vill stay 'ealthy.

Maurice,
Hey, sorry about the jail thing. I just wanted to let you know I've moved temporarily. I'd like to go to Park Chalet when you get back, it's been a long time since I've been there and I've heard they've got a new wine list. You can locate me at:
Ozastomiac Skunk
3rd Dead log on the left
Cyprus Forrest
Golden Gate Park
San Francisco, CA 94122
Good luck,
Ozzy the Oderous Skunk

Tis ees my life. Ee am gone two veeks and a rat moves een. Vhat kind of vorld ees tis? Rats no respecting dinosuars, carnivours becoming vegatarians, card sharks writing me mail, my ex-vife vanting to plan an anniversary trip, and dogs asking for my help. Vhat am Ee a vigilante? Non! Ee am Maurice, te Pissy French Dinosaur and Ee do noting nobody asks--right after Ee take care of Ratty McRat. 'E should fear me! Ee am T-Rex, 'ear me roar rat, 'ear me roar! And ten Ee vill go for vine vit Ozzy.

Diamond-Back Dave...

Zo Ee vas visited by my lawyer today. Billie brought 'im in. All Ee can zay ees tat Ee am glad 'e ees a reptile. Billie claims 'e 'as not truly lost a case yet. Te few times eet vas close te judge, the prosecuting attorney, and te vitness all died rater zudenly. Billie zays Ee vill be out een no time. Ee look forward to real food again tough Ee 'ad plans to go to Jenny Craig Ee tink Ee vill put eet off for te time being.

Burgundy showed up tis afternoon. 'E vas vearing 'is pink cowboy outfit and all 'is turquoise. Ten 'e presented me vit a cheesecake. The cheesecake vas good, but 'e misunderstood te ingredients and put two packs of cigarettes and a file een eet...Oh Mon Dieu! Je suis stupid! Ee did not comprehend zuch an act...Ee should 'ave been filing my teeth to bite trough te bars vhile 'e was singing "Te Gambler" Ach! Ee tought 'e vas telling me now tat Ee vas een jail 'e vould be joining te "Dixie Chicks." Perhaps 'e ees not as stupid as Ee tought 'e vas. Maybe Ee am te stupid one...no, Ee still tink 'e should 'ave zaid zometing. Anyvay after Ee picked out my cigarettes Ee smoked a few vit Dave. 'E zaid Burgundy 'ad talent and could get 'im an agent. Ee do not tink eet vould 'urt 'im to zing vit te Dixie Chicks especially as teir career ees een te tank. Ee do not know tough. Ee vould rater 'ave 'im zing vit Barry Manilow. 'E vrites te zongs after all. But Dave, 'e tinks Burgundy should zing vit Neil Diamond. Tat vould not be zo bad eiter, te man did vrite many zongs about vine...

Airport Security....

Eet ees not easy being green, nor ees eet easy being a dinosaur, nor one vho likes to drink before getting on a flight... Burgundy and Ee vere very lucky ve took Teradactyl Express. Ee 'ave never seen one child of mine take zo much crap to te desert for one veek. Ee told 'im eet vill be hhot. Burgundy zaid "But Papa, Ee vant to go out at night and party vit te DD." Vho are the DD? Ee asked suspiciously. "Papa, the Desert Dogs!!" Ohkay. Ee 'ad no idea vhat 'e vas going on about, but eef 'e vanted to lug all tat crap to Arizona ten good for 'im.

Ve stayed at Great Uncle Sinclair's. Technically 'e ees a Brontosaurus, but tey do not exist...so ve just do not discuss vhat GUS (Great Uncle Sinclair) ees. GUS ees very vealthy, comes from owning all tose gas stations (Ee should remind 'im Babette 'as a lot of excess gas 'e can 'ave. He, he, he!) GUS took us to Tombstone (tere vas no pizza! Ee vanted green peppers and anchovies, but no Ee only got a measly cowboy and a zide of horse! Humph!) Burgundy got shot. Eet vas vhile Ee vas looking for a snack at Boothill. Zomeone mistook him for an alien. Crazy SOB from New Mexico. Ve 'ad to find a 'ospital tat vould take dinosaurs and ve could not get back to Tuscon een time zo ve vent to te local DDWCF (Desert Dog Wholistic Care Facility). Ve met a very nice coyote named Billie vho took us een for te night. Eet vas very nice of 'er, but Ee vould 'ave prefered she not 'ave 'ad a rave going on vhile Ee vas trying to sleep. Burgundy did not obey te lizard doctor's orders and partied all night and burst his stitches and ve 'ad to take 'im back to te 'ospital te next day.

After te 'ospital ve vent to Tubac and 'ad French Food: French Vine, French Bread, and French Taco Zalad--Eet ees zo good. Ee love all tings French, tis yoo know. Ee also vent up te Mount Lemmon vit the cacti and te funky rock and te hhobit 'omes. Ee must zay Zmog really did a number up tere. Ee vonder vhat 'e 'as against ski resorts in Arizona? Te hhobits are rebuilding. Eet ees always good to see hhobits, tey don't 'ave lawyers to protect tem like hhumans. Fine eatting...Especailly in a nice dijon sauce vit mushrooms...And ten ve had Mexicans for dinner.

Ee vent by te dinosaur museum, but could not get Burgundy nor GUS interested. Burgundy zaid eet vas "boar-hing" and GUS zaid tey just liked to tell 'im tere 'e does not exist. Zo ve did not go een. (Remind me vhy Ee travel vit tem? Ee do not know eiter.) Ve vent to te Universite d'Arizona and rode te street car (much like 'ome) and 'ad Greeks for lunch. GUS chose, 'e vanted Gamma Upsalon Sigma. Ee did not care as long as eet came vit zome Greek zalad.

At te Taliesin Vest ve finally 'ad a nice nap in te pool. Ee got zunburnt and 'ad to empty te vine cellar een te cabaret to cope vit te pain. GUS vhined all te vay back because Hhe 'ad zunblock, but no one asked 'im for eet. Eef Ee 'ad known Ee vould 'ave used eet!!! And ten ve tried to go to Mexico, but ve did not 'ave our passports. Ee do not remember much else in Arizona. Burgundy spent a lot of time vit Billie te coyote and vearing ghetto gear. He did buy a cowboy outfit in Tubac to "blend een", but Ee do not tink eet vorked. For one, pink and green not such a good combination as yoo vill zoon discover...

Zo ve zaid our good-byes to GUS and vent to te airport. Eet turns out Burgundy had one vhole suitcase full of 'air gel. 'Air gel? 'E's a DINOSAUR!! 'E does not 'ave 'air!!! 'E also tried to smuggle back Billie een 'is suitcase. (Mon Dieu! Ee 'ave an idiot for a zon! Not only te 'air gel, but Billie? Nonononono! Billie vill eat Clifford for a snack...vait a minute...nonoononoo! Zamanta vill kill me eef zometing 'appens to te "babypuppy", but eet ees not zuch a bad idea, non?) Ee got detained because tey tought Ee vas a Mexican dinosaur and tey made me dump all my vine. Ee zaid "NOOOOOOO!" And Ee drank eet all een te airport. Ten tey zaid Ee vas too drunk to fly, zo Ee zaid Ee vould rent a car, but no Ee vas too drunk to drive. Zo Ee zaid Ee would take a train and tey pretty much didn't care, but ten Ee vomited all te vine and te cactus candy (Ee tink eet vas te combination) and ten tey put me in jail.

Zo tis ees my um tird time een jail. Eet's not so bad. Billie knows a good lawyer, a real snake and Ee should be 'aving my court date zoon at Elephant Head Mountain. Burgundy is staying vit GUS for now and 'as developed a fascination vit turquoise. Ee don't vant to hear eet, vhatever yoo tink. Ee don't vant to hear eet. Maybe Ee should 'ave left 'im and Arugula in Monaco...

Burgundy and te Lava Flows een Oregon...

Eet vas a long veekend. Mon Dieu, never 'ave children or at least do not mate vit a dinosaur! Apparently te God Pidgeon found Burgundy and Arugula en Monaco. Arugula got zent back to Godzilla and 'e dropped Burgundy off here. ('E tried to zend 'im back to Babette, but she shouted zo much about faters being a zource of dicipline and 'ow Ee lacked any zort of role modeling skills 'e brought te boy back 'ere.

Zo 'ere Ee am living een te back yard of Zamanta's vit my zon. Zo ve all vent up to Oregon for te veekend. Ee rented a lava flow from a chipmunk or vas eet a ground squirl, Ee can not tell te difference and ve 'ung out in Bend. Ve found a very nice ice cream parlor vhere Ee got te last of the vanilla ice cream. Eet ees a good ting. Eet ees vhat Ee like. Eef Ee do not get vhat Ee like Ee cause a scene. Zo Burgundy vho did not get 'is vanilla ice cream nearly 'ad a cow. 'E trew a temper tantrum and insisted te cow behind te counter go milk zomemore. Te cow vould 'ave none of it and made 'im eat expresso ice cream, but as te caffiene goes right trough 'im Ee now know every batroom between Bend and Sun River.

Te lava flow vas nice. Eet vas rough and rocky and varm. Burgundy complained te whole time: Papa, te lizards are laughing at me; Papa, the crows are staring at me; Papa, my bed's too hard...blah, blah, blah. (Can yoo believe te rubbish coming from 'is mouth? Ee can no figure out from vhere tis behavior comes from? But even more strange...te lizards vere laughing at 'im. Ee am 'onestly surprised tey noticed 'is ridiculous hair cut. Te crows, vel, tey tend to notice tose tings). Ee told 'im een my day ve 'ad noting but tar pits and hot lava to choose from! 'E did not believe me (Ee swear Ee zaid noting about te giant moss bed, but Ee tink Babette must 'ave told 'im). Ee took 'im to te top of Mount Bachelor and all he vanted to do vas lunch. No amazement at te beauty, no noting, just vhen do ve eat, vho do ve eat, and 'ow much can ve eat. Does tat voman not teach our children noting? Ungrateful little snot.

Ve are going to Arizona to visit zome distant relatives in te desert. Ee am looking forward to the zouthwestern food, zun, and zand. Eet ees about time Ee got out of te Zan Francisco fog. Eet ees a shame Burgundy vas able to get a last minute ticket on Taradactyl Express. Ee realy vanted to leave 'im 'ere vit Clifford. My son is shamelessly afraid of a 14 lb dachshund. Back in my day...vell there were no dachshunds so Ee do not know if I'd be afraid or no. Vhen Clifford scares me Ee just give 'im zome cheese. Vho does not like cheese? Exactly, only La Crosse players, but tey are tasty to eat! Post marinated of course...

Eet Vas NOT My Fault!

Ee 'ave been arguing vit Clifford The Little Red Dachshund for 'ours now. 'E tinks te eartquake last night vas my fault. Ee said eet vas not, but 'e ees not satisfied vit my answer. Een my defense Ee vill zay tat Ee vas 'aving dinner een te backyard (Ee am grounded remember, Ee am not permitted out vitout a chaperone) vhen te eart began to shake. Ee tought at first "Wow, Ee must be very 'ungry to make te eart shake" ten Ee tought vhen eet did not stop "Te lightrail ees getting out of 'and zomebody should complain to MUNI." Ten Ee heard Clifford shouting at me "Knock it off you menace of a dinosaur I'm begging for dinner and you're interupting me!" Ee shouted back "Lousy dog! Eet ees not me!" Vinnie te tasty looking beagle next door shouted "Maurice, don't make me come over there!" "Eet ees not me!" Ee shouted and ten eet stopped.

Yoo'd tink Vinnie vould have stopped yelling, but no. Eet vas Maurice yoo menace tis, Maurice tat, Maurice yoo are bringing property values down and etc. Ee vould happily move back eento te park, but Ee can not. Grrr...Vinnie...Ee keep picturing 'im as meatloaf... Clifford vould not believe me eiter, even tough Zamanta zaid eet vas not my fault...tis time (tere vas tat tsunami incident at te dinosaur family reunion a couple of Christmases ago). Zo Clifford took back 'is dog bed I "borrowed" and gave me a towel instead. Ee told tem eet vas probably Godzilla, but te dogs did not believe me. Ee did get a sugar free mango peach slurpie tough. Eet made everyone feel better, except Zamanta vho ees now trying to train Clifford to stand een a doorvay vhen te eart shakes. Ee told 'er 'e von't do eet, 'e doesn't even comprend te vord "toy" en English. She ees just going to 'ave to learn better Dachshund Ee tink.

Baseball vit te Giants

Ee do not understand vhy tey are called "giants". Tey are not zo very large. Een fact Ee tink tey are slow like giants, but certainly not very large.

Zo Ee took te "N Judah" to te ball park. (Ee can not remember te name eet 'as changed zo many times). And Ee got tere and Ee vas 'ungry zo Ee tried a cart of "sheboygan dogs" and 'ad me zome guiness. Eet vas te best part of te game, unless yoo vanted te "Nationals" to vin. (Vhat ees a national? And vhy vere te small giants playing tem Ee do not know.) Te game vas not as interesting as te food, but noting ever ees.)

Ee tink Ee fell asleep, because vhen Ee awoke Ee vas alone een te stadium staring eye to eye vit a zeagull. "Bonjour Zeagull," Ee zaid, "vho von te game?" Te zeagull looked at me vit 'is beak full of 'otdog bun, swallowed and said "the Nationals, who'd you think would have won?" "Eet vas a long shot te short giants could 'ave von Ee guess." "Did you bet on the game?" 'E asked. "No, Ee did not. Ee do not bet on sports, eet ees no fun." "Too bad, it is fun. Especially when you win. Gert hates it when you win." "Gert, vho ees tis Gert?" Ee asked. "Ooohhh...You've never met Gert? Wait around and see..." And 'e flew off. Zo Ee vaited. And vaited. And vaited.

Ten een te pale moonlight te most glorious creature arose from te bay and slithered een to the stadium. She glowed she vas zo lovely. Ee cleared my troat and introduced myself. "Madam, Ee am Maurice and vho might yoo be?" She looked up at me (Ee tink) and smiled (again Ee tink)and zaid "I am Gertrude the Gambler, the wise and hypnotic giant jelly fish." (Mon Dieu ees she ever!) "Would you like to place a bet on the Giants next game?" She asked. "Zure" Ee zaid, "anyting yoo vant."

Zo Ee placed a bet, lost last night, and am now camping out in Zamanta's backyard (Ee lost my 'ome in Golden Gate Park. Zamanta von't let me place anymore bets vit Gert. She von't even let me go back to te ball park. But Ee know Gert ees swimming around te Bay, eet von't be so difficult to track her down again...

Dinosaurs, Garlic, and Chaos...

Oh la la, vhere do Ee begin? Te day began zo nice! Ee left te beach and drove to Gilroy een my tank, picking up Nessy (Loch Nessy) een Morgan 'ill. (She ees staying vit friends for te zummer). Nessy vas een zuch an upbeat mood, te zun vas shining, ve could smell te garlic een te air...And eet all vent down 'ill from tere. Aarg!

Te map zucked. No vait, Ee am not zure te map zucked zo much as Nessy's map reading skills zucked. She got us lost. Ve took te vrong exit. Ve went te vrong direction because Nessy 'ad te map upside down. Ee just should 'ave gone 'ome. But no, Ee did not.

Zo ve got to te Garlic Festival, parked te tank, and realized Nessy did not 'ave any anti zun lotion. Yoo vould tink being a creature of deep waters she'd know zuch tings. But no. On top of tis ve discovered because ve vere dinosaurs our admission price vas $24 not $12 like regular adults. Ve tried for te zenior citizen discount, but to no avail. Eet was our zize tat mattered apparently. Zo ve vent in. Ve scouted out te food booths, got our free garlic ice cream, and attempted to scavange for lunch. Nessy found zome fried artichoke 'earts and Ee found zome shrips quesadillas. Ten ve vent to a tent to eat in te shade.

Tat's ven Nessy got an upsetting fone call vhich caused 'er to blubber and make a scene. And tat's vhen Godzilla spoted me. "Maurice!" 'E yelled, "Maurice get your T-Rex dino booty over here right now!" Ee attempted to 'ave not 'eard 'im and freigned interest een te news tat Nessy's bathing zuit vas beyond repair and she'd 'ave to get a new one. (She custom orders tem zo tourists in Scotland can not tell te difference between 'er and zeaweed. Eet ees very clever, n'est ce pas? But eet ees also tres expensive and Ee tink she took a big 'it een te stock market zo tat she ees now financially unstable. Ee told 'er gambling vas a viable option, but no she vould 'ave none of eet!) "Maurice, Arrrgh!" Yelled Godzilla as 'e grabbed my lunch away from me. "Vait a minute! Tat is my lunch!" Ee shouted (tough Ee had been eyeing an over-weight metal-head with long hair as dessert--Te lawyers Ee know! Ee know!) "And a very good lunch it seems it was Maurice." 'E zaid consuming vhat vas left, "now, let's talk about Burgundy." "Oh la la! Ee can not speak of my zon on an empty stomach!" (Ee was eyeing my metal-head friend again). "Ee at least need a drink." Godzilla paused and then said "There's a wine tent over there, I hear they have garlic wine. You want to give it a try?" "Ahhh, Godzilla, yoo know me zo vell, how did Ee not know tere was a vine tent? Mon Dieu!"

Zo Godilla and Ee drank our garlic vine, but 'e did not know Ee had bought several strands of garlic and Ee consumed tem under te table. 'E tought 'e was making me drunk, too drunk to fight, but no Ee am more resilient tan tat! Zo after zome pleasant conversation like: "So Maurice, is Burgundy the one who plays the ukulele?" "No, 'e plays te tuba. Pino Noir plays te ukulele and 'is twin Pino Grigio plays te jaw harp." "Ohhh...I think I have them mixed up then." "Vell Ee do 'ave 137 children, eet ees hard to keep up vit tem all."

Zo after drinking, we left the tent to pace off (dino dueling 'as specific rules. Te duelers must stand back to back and pace off tree paces, turn, and scream before runing at each oter). "One, Two, Three....Aaarrgggh!!!" Ee got 'im vit my garlic breath and 'e passed out. Ee grabbed Nessy and ve ran. Okay Ee ran, she flopped very quickly, but ve vere very fast all te vay to te tank.

Vhen ve got to te tank Nessy realized she 'ad gone from a lovely shade of gray-green to a zickening shade of greenish-mauve vit dark red velts. Zo ve drove to Zan Jose vhere te emergency room staff tought ve vere tere to eat tem and not zeeking 'elp. Once ve explained Nessy's condition to a doctor Ee 'ad pinned up against te vall tey vere more tan 'elpful.

Nessy ees doing much better now. She ees back vit 'er friends zoaking in teir zwimming pool filled vit ice under a tarp. As for Godzilla Ee do not know vhat became of 'im...but Ee am zure eet vill not be long before Ee find out.

Fone Call From Babette...

Eet ees bad enouff Ee 'ave an ex- vife, but does she 'ave to call moi vhen Ee am trying to sleep off my 'angover. Ee 'ad a petit too much to drink at Pittsburgh's last night and to be awokened at noon to a screaming french ex ees not my idea of a vake-up call.

"Ooooh la la!" she screamed into the fone, "Maurice, yoo do not know vhat tat zon of yours did last night!" Ee said to 'er "Vhich zon? Ee have 137 children and Ee do not know 'ow many of tem are zons!" "Yoo bad fater! 'Ow could yoo not know 'ow many zons yoo have?" Ee said ten "'Ow many zons do Ee 'ave?" "Maurice!" She screamed (because she does not know eiter) "Maurice! Eet ees Burgundy, 'E 'as runned off vit Godzillas' daughter Arugula to Monaco!" "Ave yoo called Godzilla yet?" Ee asked meekly. "Ach no! Not after yoo got drunk at te family reunion and punched 'im out! Ee am afraid Maurice" She vhispered, "vhat eef 'e comes 'ere to seek revenge?"

Zo, now Ee 'ave a zon in Monaco vit no zense. Yoo vould tink my zon would 'ave better zense, but no. Eet ees a good ting Ee 'ave paid off my debt to te God Pidgeon as Ee vill now 'ave to ask 'im to v.q.c.p. (very quick carrier pidgeon) my zon to zend Arugula home. Tis 'ad better not upset my plans for the Gilroy Garlic Festival tomorrow. [Sigh]. Ee am zo looking forward to my garlic fries.

Lost een Zan Francisco...

Eet vas bad enouff te vreched DMV gave me zuch a defficult time vit my driver's liscence. Eet vas not my fault Ee 'ad no birt certificate, te records office should 'ave been around before te zo called "dawn of civilization." Te egomaniacs! Tey 'ave te nerve to tink tat just because 'umans invented civilization tat ve dinosaurs are not important! Crazy humans, Ee ate yoo at te dawn of civilization and Ee vill keep eatting yoo--but only ven yoo piss me off! Especially te morons at Mapquest tat do not know about construction zones and changes to te exits! (Tere ees tat court order edict to not eat 'umans unless Ee am zo provoked, but eet is zo 'ard not too!) Zo tere Ee was in my tank (vhen te American market come out vit a car large enouff pour moi eet vill be a great victory for all dino-kind!) trying to get back onto the freevay, but no human vould let my tank in. Ten after Ee blew a Volkswagen Jetta away wit te gun on my tank, only ten did Ee discover Ee could not go west on 'ighvay 80. Grrrrr..... Zo ten Ee found 'ighvay 101, but Ee vent te vrong direction and ended up in Daily City at an exit Ee could not turn around on and ten ven Ee did turn around Ee missed my exit again and ended up back vere Ee started. Zo Ee stopped at te "Hhappy Donuts"--ate a couple of clerks and vashed tem down vit zome coffee and krollers and headed to te Irish pub on Howard. Tey may or may not 'ave 'ad vine, but Ee drank a couple of kegs of Guiness, ate zome garlic fries, and called Zamanta to pick me up as Ee vas too intoxicated to drive anymore. She vas not very pleased because Ee do not fit very comfortably into her Zaturn and Ee 'ad to ride home on te roof. Eet should be noted tat eet ees 'ard to shout directions from te roof of a car and tat Zamanta sure yells a lot ven yoo try to give her directions from te roof of a car.