Valking te 2 x 4 to Zober...

Eet vas not like tey zerve French vine every night. Zo eet vas no zurprise Ee drank a leetle too much. First of all, Ee vas no zupposed to be tere, but zecond of all eet vas French vine night!!! Zo anyvay, after a very harried burrito at Del Taco, ve all vent to te vine bar, me and my Frenchies vhere ve listened to French music, ate French cheese, spoke French, and drank French vine. Eet vas a grand ole time Ee must zay. But eet vas vhen Ee came 'ome tat te story actually begins.

Ee came 'ome and Cleeford was all like "Maurice, you're drunk again!" and Ee vas like "Zo vhat eef Ee am? Ee can still valk a straight line!" Zo Cleeford zaid "Okay, try waking a 2 x 4!!" And zo ve vent out to te back yard and Ee attempted to valk a 2 x 4. Ee could no do eet! Ee could valk a straight line on te ground, but no on te 2 x 4! Zo, Ee am now petitioning te police to 'ave tem carry 2 x 4s in tere trunks to 'ave te drunks valk tem. Ee tink eet vould be a more good vay to catch te drunks! Ee am a classic drunk and even Ee could no do eet! Classic/chronic, Ee am still smarter tan Paris or Lindsey. Tey 'ave zo much to learn.

Een oter news, Ee 'ave started a new fashion of te red berret/crazy hats in Zan Francisco. Tese people are everyvhere copying me. Ee am zuch a trend zetter. Ee vear a 'at, now everyone vears a 'at. Ee carry a travel mug, now everyone carries a travel mug. Eet ees good to be a trend zetter! Perhaps Ee can start te "clown shoes" trend next?

And Ee got eento a fight on Muni te oter day. Zome guy vas being rude. Ee zay no one 'as te right to be rude but te French! Zo vhen 'e shoved me, Ee shoved 'im back--right up until te moment 'e got off te Muni and Ee shoved 'im out te door. Take tat yoo rude American!! Viva la France!! Vhat a complete moron. Yoo no try to be ruder tan te French. Eet no vork tat vay!

Anyvay, must get going. Ee got zome legal matters to attend to. Cleeford ees tinking of sueing a park for not letting 'im een. Eet ees racial discrimination to no admit furry four legged patrons!! Ve are very upset at tis and vant to ammend tis terrible zituation!! Cleeford 'as oter legal matters to attend to anyvay, zo ve need to get 'im a good lawyer. Zo Ee am off to te Park to look for one now. Ee should no be too 'ard eef Ee recall correctly!

'Arry Potter et Moi...

Zo, Cleefford and Ee relized last night at te vine bar tat we were almost te last persons een te vorld to get our copies of "'Arry Potter"! Eet ees a shame, tey all should 'ave come out at te same time everywhere around te vorld!! Te only people vho got tere copies later tan us vere een Alaska and Hawaii. Tose crazy Aussies 'ad probably finished te book before ve even got eet!Vest Coast living zucked last night, despite te excellent vine.

Zo after our Ahi Tuna and vine flight ve stumbled down to te bookstore vhere tere vere zo many people dressed up like vizzards, vitches, demontors, and etc. Cleefford 'ad 'is Potter glasses on and Ee dressed like a dragon. Ve vere very fetching. Cleefford even drew a passable owl in a contest, but Ee am no zo good at drawing zo my owl looked like a zad and 'arried buzzard. Ve 'ad great fun vit te mad-libs and even vorked "Gilgameshes" into eet. Ve vere especailly 'elped by an 11 year old boy vho zupplied us vit vords like: Privit Drive, Hyppogryphs, Blast-Ended Screwt, and evicerating. 'E vas most 'elpful! And ten ve lined up to get our books. Unlike te last time vhere ve vaited 2.5 hours, ve got our books een 15 minutes!! And ten ve vere zo pleased, ve got pizza too! And ten ve realized tat te people ve knew vho lived on te East Coast ordered teir books trough Amazon and ve vere te FIRST people ve knew vit te book and ve vere zo excited ve vent 'ome and read te first tree chapters! Zo take tat East Coast!!!

Te Steak Out...

Eet ees bad enough tey are stealing te flowers, but now tey are taking te garbage cans! Ee do no know vhat te vorld ees coming to! Zo Cleefford and Ee 'ave been watching te front now for veeks. Vaiting for te teives to strike. Een my anger Ee knocked over part of te new fence so Ee 'ave re-ired Ozzy to vork eet out. 'E ees coming over Zunday to fix te problem.

Zo yesterday, Ee came 'ome from te vine bar and noticed te trash can vas gone. Ee vas no zo 'appy and Ee vent around to all te neighbors to zee vhere my trash 'ad gone. Vhen Ee returned 'ome Ee found te trash can een front of te neighbor's 'ouse. Ee vas very displeased, but apparently my treating tone vorked! Zo now, Cleefford and Ee are zitting 'ere vatching te yard, eatting our steak and 'opping ve catch te culprit before midnight. Ve 'ave to go get our 'Arry Potter books, yoo know! Otervise, ve tink tey vill take te rest of te flowers. Ve do no know vhy tey are zo crazy! Ee tink Ee need to borrow 'Arry's vand and Ee can turn tem all eento eartvorms for my garden!

Een oter news Ee 'ave rid myself of being Paris 'Ilton's sponsor. Zo Ee am back to amusing myself een oter vays. Tis mostly eenvolves vine, gambling, gardening, and being French. Unfortunately, Ee 'ave to finish shopping for birtday gifts for te family. Eet ees no going zo vell. Vhy does all my family 'ave teir birtday at te zame time?!! Eet ees terrible on te pocket book! And vhat exactly does one get for a passel of dinosaurs? Ee am a dinosaur and even Ee do no know!

Anyvay, Ee must go check on te steak. Tis steak out ees zure tasty! Eef only Ee 'ad my own grill instead of "borrowing" te neighbor's. But perhaps Ee can fix tat, next month Ruffus vill be staying vit us and eef Ee can get 'im to bring a grill, te steak out vill be going much better! "No grill, no stay!" Ee vill tell 'im!