Take Yoor Dinosaur to Vork Day...
Zince Cleeford got to go Ee demanded my day too! Zo 'ere ees vhat 'appened:
Ee got to ride te muni downtown and eet vas very slow because tey zaid te cars vere zo 'eavy vit all te extra veight (too many donut shops een tis city eef yoo ask me! All tose people need to go on a diet!). Tey apparently 'ave no laws against dinosaurs riding muni like tey 'ave for dogs zo long as ve fit on top of te train zo ve did no take my tank to vork--besides parking te tank downtown ees no zo easy. Ee tink tey should let te dogs ride all te time and no let zo many crazy old men ride te muni, one man growled at Zamanta vhen she accidently knocked eento 'im and Ee got to rip 'is 'ead off. Eet really made my morning! However, vhen ve got to vork Ee 'ad to valk up te stairs because te elevator ees old and vould no support me and Zamanta (Ee tink she ate too many potatoes in Idaho. Ee told 'er not to, but did she listen...oh no she did no!) Zo ve hiked up to te fourth floor and ten Ee passed out--eet vas a very long climb Ee vill 'ave yoo know. Ve vere late tis morning and zo ve did no 'ave to turn off te alarm. Zo Ee took a nap een te library until a school group came in and vanted 'elp. Zo Ee told Zamanta Ee vould help tem. Te teacher vas annoying and failed to understand about te rules--Ee know, Ee am archivist for a day and Ee am zuddenly all about rules! Zo Ee dragged te voman to te desk and Ee took avay her bag and made 'er and 'er students sign in. And ten vhenever tey asked me for books Ee gave tem te evil eye and zaid "Puppets! Yoo vant Asian puppets? Vhat vrong vit te French kind? Yoo no like te French puppets? Vhy no?!" and tey vould quake and te snot vould come out of tere noses and eet vas great fun! Ee even got a bag o' twinkies for pushing tem out of te library from te head librarian. She eiter likes me or vas afraid of me, Ee am no zo zure. Ten Ee vas zent to Valgreens vhen zome oter people came een and Ee loaded up on snacks and brought tem back for all to zee. And Ee ate tem vhile Ee vatched Butoh videos, but Ee vas very careful to no spill any crumbs. And ten zomeone turned on te opera music and Ee fell asleep and Ee did no archiving, except Ee drooled on zome circus stuff vhen Ee fell asleep, but eet vas okay, eet vas only duplicate material and vas to be recycled anyvay. Zo ten ve vent 'ome and zomeone stole our recycling bin tere and Cleeford and Ee vent around te neighborhood threating our neighbors, but no one 'ad zeen our bin. Vhich vas zad zince ve 'ad recycling to toss. And ten Paris called me again and Ee vill no go eento tat, because Ee am still too upset to talk about eet! Besides eet 'as noting to do vit archiving and tat ees vhat tis post ees about!
Finis.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
What I Learned by Going to Work With Mom, by Clifford...
First of all, I have to say that it was a bum deal going to pet camp. I mean, would it have killed anyone to take me with them to Idaho? Idaho! I'm perfect for Idaho; I love potatoes! And I love everything that goes with them--mostly meat. Anyway, I digress. So Mom took me downtown, away from that awful pet camp place that serves really bad doggy beer and kosher hot dogs, and I had to get into that really tiny, dark pet carrier because--I'm not really sure why, but I did and it wasn't pleasant no matter which direction I turned in! So we went into this big, big building and got into this big metal box with doors that slid shut and it started dinging and we went up and up and up and up and FINally we got out and then we had to open this other door and it was dark and the noise went beep beep beep and Mom put me down on the desk in my carrier and LEFT ME THERE while she made more noise and then walked AWAY and turned on some lights and then she set up the kennel and then tossed me in. Okay, she didn't toss me in, but the rest of that is totally true! But I got her, I barked at EVERYONE who came within 3 feet of my kennel. Ha! Take that!! Anyway, we had lunch in the sunshine. That was new. The lunch outdoors, the sun actually does shine. And we went to the park with the smelly folk and some lady told me my Mom and I had the same hair, especially the way it blows in the wind, and then I felt proud, because that's just cool. And then we came back and Mom put a drape over my kennel and I couldn't see anything and I was real quiet and good unless a loud person went by. Then a dachshund happy person came by and wanted to play, so Mom let me out and everyone played with me and it was fun until Mom handed me to this woman who smelled like mean cat and that was so not cool. But everyone was nice and I attended an important meeting and then I helped Mom archive. This involved us sitting at a table looking at circus stuff and Mom getting a headache. So I helped and then I helped myself down and I helped photocopy and then we took a water break and I followed Mom to the giant cooler and back and then I did my trick for people and then I went around and played with people until I got trapped in some woman's office and I cried and cried and I could only get my nose free and no one cared and it was sad until Mom saved me and we went to go work at the computer and I answered e-mails and stuff and then Dad called and he came to get us and I just don't understand why I can't go EVERYDAY! It would be so cool eatting lunch with Mom in the smelly park, with the smelly people, and archiving. I can so be an archivist. It's totally cool. This was my second library visit and I have to say this library is way cooler than the last one. I really enjoyed checking out the books. At the previous library I got locked in an office and didn't get to explore the place at all. It was very disappointing and I went home and gnawed a book on mammals in my fustration. This time I went home and ate a Dingo bone. Happy me!
The End.
First of all, I have to say that it was a bum deal going to pet camp. I mean, would it have killed anyone to take me with them to Idaho? Idaho! I'm perfect for Idaho; I love potatoes! And I love everything that goes with them--mostly meat. Anyway, I digress. So Mom took me downtown, away from that awful pet camp place that serves really bad doggy beer and kosher hot dogs, and I had to get into that really tiny, dark pet carrier because--I'm not really sure why, but I did and it wasn't pleasant no matter which direction I turned in! So we went into this big, big building and got into this big metal box with doors that slid shut and it started dinging and we went up and up and up and up and FINally we got out and then we had to open this other door and it was dark and the noise went beep beep beep and Mom put me down on the desk in my carrier and LEFT ME THERE while she made more noise and then walked AWAY and turned on some lights and then she set up the kennel and then tossed me in. Okay, she didn't toss me in, but the rest of that is totally true! But I got her, I barked at EVERYONE who came within 3 feet of my kennel. Ha! Take that!! Anyway, we had lunch in the sunshine. That was new. The lunch outdoors, the sun actually does shine. And we went to the park with the smelly folk and some lady told me my Mom and I had the same hair, especially the way it blows in the wind, and then I felt proud, because that's just cool. And then we came back and Mom put a drape over my kennel and I couldn't see anything and I was real quiet and good unless a loud person went by. Then a dachshund happy person came by and wanted to play, so Mom let me out and everyone played with me and it was fun until Mom handed me to this woman who smelled like mean cat and that was so not cool. But everyone was nice and I attended an important meeting and then I helped Mom archive. This involved us sitting at a table looking at circus stuff and Mom getting a headache. So I helped and then I helped myself down and I helped photocopy and then we took a water break and I followed Mom to the giant cooler and back and then I did my trick for people and then I went around and played with people until I got trapped in some woman's office and I cried and cried and I could only get my nose free and no one cared and it was sad until Mom saved me and we went to go work at the computer and I answered e-mails and stuff and then Dad called and he came to get us and I just don't understand why I can't go EVERYDAY! It would be so cool eatting lunch with Mom in the smelly park, with the smelly people, and archiving. I can so be an archivist. It's totally cool. This was my second library visit and I have to say this library is way cooler than the last one. I really enjoyed checking out the books. At the previous library I got locked in an office and didn't get to explore the place at all. It was very disappointing and I went home and gnawed a book on mammals in my fustration. This time I went home and ate a Dingo bone. Happy me!
The End.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Tese Fone Calls Vill No Stop!!!
Eet ees no like Ee zaid yes to te sponsorship ting. Ee merely zaid "uhhhh..." and te judge took tat to be a yes? Mon Dieu! Zo anyvay, Ee vas out late last night playing Trivia Pursuit vit Cleeford and Ziera te German Shepherd vhen Ee got tis phone call from tis crazy person. Te conversation vent as follows:
Me: 'Ello?
Paris: Hi, like so Maurice, I just want to like so tell you thanks for like being my sponsor and all and like I'm so totally glad like you are so willing, because like no one would like take me, because like, I don't know, but I just am like so grateful, because I really don't want to do like hard time like, you know?
Me: Know vhat? Vhat? Vho ees tis?
Paris: Like it's so me, you know, Paris, and like I am such a big fan by the way. That berret thing you have going on is like so hot.
Me: Paris? Oh, oui, Paris 'ilton. 'Ow did yoo get tis number and vhy are you calling me?
Paris: So like the judge gave me your number and said I should call it any time I like so vanted to drink and like drive or like anytime I felt like I was about to make a decision.
Me: Ee zee and yoo vant a drink?
Paris: No, I just so like need somebody to go pick me up a slurpie and some nachos at 7/11.
Zo Ee looked at Cleeford and Ee looked at Zierra and Ee looked at te fone and ten Ee screemed eento te fone and told 'er not to call me again. Ten Ee lost Trivia Pursuit to Zierra, and Cleeford and Ee hopped eento 'is mini, and ve vent 'ome vhere Ee found many messages from Paris on my answering machine. Zo Ee listened to only every other vord because eet zeemed Ee might understand vhat she zays better and tis ees vhat Ee 'eard: like so like hot my like so totally and the my like totally like hot like like nachoes like me. Zo Ee do no know exactly vhat she vas trying to convey, eet still made no zense. Ee do no actually care though. Ee am a T-Rex. T-Rex's do no go fetch slurpies and nachos for anyone, even eef eet does zound good at te time!
Ee know Ee promised yoo all Cleefords' translation of te Adventure of Saint Sabastian of the Flowering Log, but eet vill 'ave to vait. Ee am tired of answering te phone and Ozzy 'as gone off to te pub and Ee tink eet ees time Ee joined 'im. Ee vill no be taking my cell fone, but tat ees okay because Paris used up all te battery life. My fone ees morte and tat ees te vay Ee like eet!
Eet ees no like Ee zaid yes to te sponsorship ting. Ee merely zaid "uhhhh..." and te judge took tat to be a yes? Mon Dieu! Zo anyvay, Ee vas out late last night playing Trivia Pursuit vit Cleeford and Ziera te German Shepherd vhen Ee got tis phone call from tis crazy person. Te conversation vent as follows:
Me: 'Ello?
Paris: Hi, like so Maurice, I just want to like so tell you thanks for like being my sponsor and all and like I'm so totally glad like you are so willing, because like no one would like take me, because like, I don't know, but I just am like so grateful, because I really don't want to do like hard time like, you know?
Me: Know vhat? Vhat? Vho ees tis?
Paris: Like it's so me, you know, Paris, and like I am such a big fan by the way. That berret thing you have going on is like so hot.
Me: Paris? Oh, oui, Paris 'ilton. 'Ow did yoo get tis number and vhy are you calling me?
Paris: So like the judge gave me your number and said I should call it any time I like so vanted to drink and like drive or like anytime I felt like I was about to make a decision.
Me: Ee zee and yoo vant a drink?
Paris: No, I just so like need somebody to go pick me up a slurpie and some nachos at 7/11.
Zo Ee looked at Cleeford and Ee looked at Zierra and Ee looked at te fone and ten Ee screemed eento te fone and told 'er not to call me again. Ten Ee lost Trivia Pursuit to Zierra, and Cleeford and Ee hopped eento 'is mini, and ve vent 'ome vhere Ee found many messages from Paris on my answering machine. Zo Ee listened to only every other vord because eet zeemed Ee might understand vhat she zays better and tis ees vhat Ee 'eard: like so like hot my like so totally and the my like totally like hot like like nachoes like me. Zo Ee do no know exactly vhat she vas trying to convey, eet still made no zense. Ee do no actually care though. Ee am a T-Rex. T-Rex's do no go fetch slurpies and nachos for anyone, even eef eet does zound good at te time!
Ee know Ee promised yoo all Cleefords' translation of te Adventure of Saint Sabastian of the Flowering Log, but eet vill 'ave to vait. Ee am tired of answering te phone and Ozzy 'as gone off to te pub and Ee tink eet ees time Ee joined 'im. Ee vill no be taking my cell fone, but tat ees okay because Paris used up all te battery life. My fone ees morte and tat ees te vay Ee like eet!
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Sponsoring Paris Hilton...
Ee know. Vhat did Ee do to deserve tis? One moment Ee am free and clear and te next te judge calls me up and zays: "Maurice, we'd really like you to be Paris Hilton's sponsor until she goes to jail" Eet ees official, my life zucks! Ee do no vant Paris Hilton. Ee do no vant to be a sponsor. 'Ave tey looked at my record? 'Ave tey noticed Ee am not in AA? Vhat ees te vorld coming to. Ee tink Ee need a drink.
Perhaps eet vas only a joke, n'est ce pas? Eef Ee 'ave to sponsor tat girl first ting ve are doing ees going to get her some zense for fashion, food, drinking, dogs, yoo name eet, ve are going to re-vrite te vhole brain! Ee still tink Ee should just 'ave 'er for dinner, only Ee do no tink she vould go very far...
Een oter news, my paper at te Medieval Congress vent vell. Eet vas received very vell especially after Ee flashed tem my shiney teeth. Tere vas much drinking, much socialization, and much 'ummus consumed. Yoo all should 'ave been tere! Ee did zo vell Ee am going to start vorking on my paper for next year...but eet ees a secret, Ee vould no vant Lowly Worm to get a 'old of eet since 'e ees far too interested in my area of research zuddenly. Absolutely no originallity een 'is brain at all. Perhaps 'e vould be a good match for Paris Hilton? Ee vas disappointed Buttercup slimmed down. Eet makes 'is name less appropriate, but good for 'im never the less. Michael Bolton vas tere, though 'e zeemed far too ordinary to be of any fun tis year, and Ee missed zome of te oter "special" characters. All in all, tere vas my paper/rant on Chaucer, and zome drinking, and Ee slept, and Ee ate an anoying troll vit a pager in te library because...eet ees a long story and Ee vill no go into eet now, and Ee ate zeveral cell phones tat vould no stop annoying me at 6:40 am and every 10 minutes tere after for 50 minutes--Ee need my beauty sleep yoo know, and ten Ee bit te 'ead off te man een te zeat een front of me on te air plane last night for being a moron and no knowing to put 'is zeatback forward vhen ve landed. Grrrr....but 'e no taste like buffalo vings, zo Ee vas disappointed yet again.
Zo Cleeford picked me up at te airport. 'E vas very excited, zo excited 'e jumped into my arms and urinated all over me. Tat's friendship eef ever Ee knew eet! Ee am marked for life. Ten 'e drove me 'ome. Picture tat eef yoo vill. Cleeford drove me home. Ee 'ad to ride on te top of te vehicle, because my girth no fit een te mini coop. Ee vas no entirely certain ve vould get out of te lot alive, much less home, but ve did. He ees a very talented dachshund Ee tell yoo, very talented indeed. Een fact next year ve might give a paper together at te Congress, 'e 'as discovered a lost Dachshundian papyrus relating te tale of King Arthur, te dragon Morris, and zaint Zabastian of te Flowering Log called "King Arthur and the Dachshunds of Ys." Ee vill relate eet to yoo another time. Ee must go now and eat my mid afternoon snack...tat politician tere looks very tasty...perhaps 'e vill taste like buffalo vings!
Ee know. Vhat did Ee do to deserve tis? One moment Ee am free and clear and te next te judge calls me up and zays: "Maurice, we'd really like you to be Paris Hilton's sponsor until she goes to jail" Eet ees official, my life zucks! Ee do no vant Paris Hilton. Ee do no vant to be a sponsor. 'Ave tey looked at my record? 'Ave tey noticed Ee am not in AA? Vhat ees te vorld coming to. Ee tink Ee need a drink.
Perhaps eet vas only a joke, n'est ce pas? Eef Ee 'ave to sponsor tat girl first ting ve are doing ees going to get her some zense for fashion, food, drinking, dogs, yoo name eet, ve are going to re-vrite te vhole brain! Ee still tink Ee should just 'ave 'er for dinner, only Ee do no tink she vould go very far...
Een oter news, my paper at te Medieval Congress vent vell. Eet vas received very vell especially after Ee flashed tem my shiney teeth. Tere vas much drinking, much socialization, and much 'ummus consumed. Yoo all should 'ave been tere! Ee did zo vell Ee am going to start vorking on my paper for next year...but eet ees a secret, Ee vould no vant Lowly Worm to get a 'old of eet since 'e ees far too interested in my area of research zuddenly. Absolutely no originallity een 'is brain at all. Perhaps 'e vould be a good match for Paris Hilton? Ee vas disappointed Buttercup slimmed down. Eet makes 'is name less appropriate, but good for 'im never the less. Michael Bolton vas tere, though 'e zeemed far too ordinary to be of any fun tis year, and Ee missed zome of te oter "special" characters. All in all, tere vas my paper/rant on Chaucer, and zome drinking, and Ee slept, and Ee ate an anoying troll vit a pager in te library because...eet ees a long story and Ee vill no go into eet now, and Ee ate zeveral cell phones tat vould no stop annoying me at 6:40 am and every 10 minutes tere after for 50 minutes--Ee need my beauty sleep yoo know, and ten Ee bit te 'ead off te man een te zeat een front of me on te air plane last night for being a moron and no knowing to put 'is zeatback forward vhen ve landed. Grrrr....but 'e no taste like buffalo vings, zo Ee vas disappointed yet again.
Zo Cleeford picked me up at te airport. 'E vas very excited, zo excited 'e jumped into my arms and urinated all over me. Tat's friendship eef ever Ee knew eet! Ee am marked for life. Ten 'e drove me 'ome. Picture tat eef yoo vill. Cleeford drove me home. Ee 'ad to ride on te top of te vehicle, because my girth no fit een te mini coop. Ee vas no entirely certain ve vould get out of te lot alive, much less home, but ve did. He ees a very talented dachshund Ee tell yoo, very talented indeed. Een fact next year ve might give a paper together at te Congress, 'e 'as discovered a lost Dachshundian papyrus relating te tale of King Arthur, te dragon Morris, and zaint Zabastian of te Flowering Log called "King Arthur and the Dachshunds of Ys." Ee vill relate eet to yoo another time. Ee must go now and eat my mid afternoon snack...tat politician tere looks very tasty...perhaps 'e vill taste like buffalo vings!
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Cino de Mayo...
Ee am zure yoo tink tis ees all aboot drinking. Eet ees not. Or Ee should zay not yet...Anyvay, Ee 'ave been very busy, yoo know, vriting my memoirs, going to court, 'aving lunch vit te mayor. Eet 'as all been good. Anyvay, Ee am now geering up for tat crazy medieval congress. Zomebody must stop all te Chaucerians from producing more merde! Ee 'ave 'ad eet vit tem. Tey all tink Chaucer vas tis vonderful author. Vell, Ee know te truth, 'e stole all my eedeas!! Oh Oui! Te Parlement of Fowls, Te Cantebury Tales, Te Romance of Te Rose..all mine!! Yoo 'eard me!! Though Ee vill admit, Troilus and Cresede vas NOT mine. Zo tere Ee vas one night drinking zome vine, eatting a leg bone of a tax collector vhen tis drunk came up and asked to use my fire. Ee vas full, zo Ee zaid yes. And ten 'e asked me to tell 'im a story zince 'e vas in debit and vas looking to get out. Zo Ee gave him one, and ten another, and another, and now 'e's famous. Tat could be me eef Ee could 'ave 'eld a quill! Zo Ee am going to te Medieval Congress to give my paper: "Chaucer vas a fake; or why tat toad could no 'ave written 'is vay out of a barrel of vine" Eet ees a very good paper too, eef Ee do zay zo myself.
Court vent vell. Ee am now 1 zize smaller, Ee 'ave a zuit, and cleen shiney teeth. Eet zeems no one actually "missed" te ticket taker zo Ee vas seen as an "outstanding citizen" and paid a $5 fine. 'Owever, zince Muni trains 'ave been obnoxiously bad of late Ee did get very angry one night and tossed a tanker truck eento a piller on te 'ighway in Oakland. Vell, eef tey vere no going to fix te train problem, Ee 'ad to create another problem zo tey would add more trains. Eet all vorked out for me. Ee know many who congradulated me. Ee even got a medal of 'onor from te N Judah drivers union. Ve still 'ave no taken care of te vhole problem, but ve are still vorking on eet.
Ee am also no longer een te cast of "Legally Blonde". Te original girl got better. Ee knew eet vas only temporary anyvay. Ee now 'ave a job vith George Lucas. 'E originally told me tey needed no live dinosaurs zince tey vere zo good vit light and magic yoo know, but Ee zaid: "Oui, but Ee could eat yoo after Ee place a call to te DinoUnion." And yoo know, he zaid: "You're hired!" Oh 'ow Ee love te DinoUnion. Ve 'ave been trying to get a live dinosaur eento tat place for years. Incidently, eet vas Pino Noir vho vas te model for "Meet te Robinsons" and Ee am very proud of that boy!!
Much to do today. Zo no more vasting time reading my dinoblog! Ee do not celebrate Cinco de Mayo. 'Ow could Ee? 'Ow could Ee celebrate te downfall of Napoleon een Mexico? Ee tink Ee vill play zome dino opera tonight and drink zome very nice vine to celebrate te man. Eef 'e 'ad zucceeded te vhole vorld vould be speaking french...vhat a beautiful tought!
Ee am zure yoo tink tis ees all aboot drinking. Eet ees not. Or Ee should zay not yet...Anyvay, Ee 'ave been very busy, yoo know, vriting my memoirs, going to court, 'aving lunch vit te mayor. Eet 'as all been good. Anyvay, Ee am now geering up for tat crazy medieval congress. Zomebody must stop all te Chaucerians from producing more merde! Ee 'ave 'ad eet vit tem. Tey all tink Chaucer vas tis vonderful author. Vell, Ee know te truth, 'e stole all my eedeas!! Oh Oui! Te Parlement of Fowls, Te Cantebury Tales, Te Romance of Te Rose..all mine!! Yoo 'eard me!! Though Ee vill admit, Troilus and Cresede vas NOT mine. Zo tere Ee vas one night drinking zome vine, eatting a leg bone of a tax collector vhen tis drunk came up and asked to use my fire. Ee vas full, zo Ee zaid yes. And ten 'e asked me to tell 'im a story zince 'e vas in debit and vas looking to get out. Zo Ee gave him one, and ten another, and another, and now 'e's famous. Tat could be me eef Ee could 'ave 'eld a quill! Zo Ee am going to te Medieval Congress to give my paper: "Chaucer vas a fake; or why tat toad could no 'ave written 'is vay out of a barrel of vine" Eet ees a very good paper too, eef Ee do zay zo myself.
Court vent vell. Ee am now 1 zize smaller, Ee 'ave a zuit, and cleen shiney teeth. Eet zeems no one actually "missed" te ticket taker zo Ee vas seen as an "outstanding citizen" and paid a $5 fine. 'Owever, zince Muni trains 'ave been obnoxiously bad of late Ee did get very angry one night and tossed a tanker truck eento a piller on te 'ighway in Oakland. Vell, eef tey vere no going to fix te train problem, Ee 'ad to create another problem zo tey would add more trains. Eet all vorked out for me. Ee know many who congradulated me. Ee even got a medal of 'onor from te N Judah drivers union. Ve still 'ave no taken care of te vhole problem, but ve are still vorking on eet.
Ee am also no longer een te cast of "Legally Blonde". Te original girl got better. Ee knew eet vas only temporary anyvay. Ee now 'ave a job vith George Lucas. 'E originally told me tey needed no live dinosaurs zince tey vere zo good vit light and magic yoo know, but Ee zaid: "Oui, but Ee could eat yoo after Ee place a call to te DinoUnion." And yoo know, he zaid: "You're hired!" Oh 'ow Ee love te DinoUnion. Ve 'ave been trying to get a live dinosaur eento tat place for years. Incidently, eet vas Pino Noir vho vas te model for "Meet te Robinsons" and Ee am very proud of that boy!!
Much to do today. Zo no more vasting time reading my dinoblog! Ee do not celebrate Cinco de Mayo. 'Ow could Ee? 'Ow could Ee celebrate te downfall of Napoleon een Mexico? Ee tink Ee vill play zome dino opera tonight and drink zome very nice vine to celebrate te man. Eef 'e 'ad zucceeded te vhole vorld vould be speaking french...vhat a beautiful tought!
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