Yoo should know...
Legally Blonde: a Trans-Gendered, Trans-Species Performance
SAN FRANCISCO, CA. The star of the new musical Legally Blonde was involved in a serious traffic accident today in downtown San Francisco. The star's mini coop was crushed by an oncoming tank when it made a left hand turn into her vehicle. The actress was immediately rushed to St. Mary's Medical Center where it was discovered she had a severe case of Vox Incognito and leaving her director wondering what he was going to do. "It's not like there are a million singing blondes out there who can play Elle. I was in a quandry and then I discovered the other motorist was a singing dinosaur" said Aiken. Apparently the show will open this weekend, not with a blonde actress, but a blonde male dinosaur. Meet Maurice the Pissy French Dinosaur, former operatic singer for the Paris Metropolitan Opera. Mr. Pissy French will be sporting a blonde wig and pink cravat, but critics, including this reporter, insist this will be a performance of a life time. It may be what this musical really needed. Doesn't every musical need a French Dinosaur?
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
Post 'Oliday Problems...
Ee am reviewing te zituation. Ee do no tink Ee should 'ave 'ad children. Oh oui! Tey are zo cute, zo sweet, zo rewarding, but alas, vit zo many of tem being teenagers now Ee am no zure Ee can 'andle eet. Babette zays: "Oh la la, Maurice yoo should 'ave tought of tat before ve got married! Eet ees yoor problem now too! Vhat are ve to do?" Oui, vhat are ve to do...
Eet ees Fume Blanc. Again. 'E 'as taken 'is youngest zister, Beaujolais, under 'is ving and now she ees tinking of becoming a vegan too. Ee do no tink Ee can 'andle te shame. Two vegans in te family. Vhat vill te oter dinosaur families zay? Eet vas bad enough vit one, but now two? Shoot me now. Just do eet!
Ee can no longer go to te country club as eet es. Godzilla 'as been ribbing me for months about Fume Blanc. Ee can 'ear teir vhispers. Ee know te Basylisk vill no play tennis vit me because of eet. 'E zays: "Maurice, it's bad enough, old boy, you eat cheese! Give me a hearty meal of uncooked flesh anyday of the week. All this cheese stuff is complete nonsense I tell you!" And now, 'e ignores me vhen Ee valk eento a room. Ee should give 'im vhat ees vhat! Tat ees vhat Ee should do!
Ee just can no picture Fume Blanc and Beaujolais running rampant in a field of zoy terrorizing te plants. Eet ees just not te zame. Oh te shame of eet all. Oh te shame!
Ee am reviewing te zituation. Ee do no tink Ee should 'ave 'ad children. Oh oui! Tey are zo cute, zo sweet, zo rewarding, but alas, vit zo many of tem being teenagers now Ee am no zure Ee can 'andle eet. Babette zays: "Oh la la, Maurice yoo should 'ave tought of tat before ve got married! Eet ees yoor problem now too! Vhat are ve to do?" Oui, vhat are ve to do...
Eet ees Fume Blanc. Again. 'E 'as taken 'is youngest zister, Beaujolais, under 'is ving and now she ees tinking of becoming a vegan too. Ee do no tink Ee can 'andle te shame. Two vegans in te family. Vhat vill te oter dinosaur families zay? Eet vas bad enough vit one, but now two? Shoot me now. Just do eet!
Ee can no longer go to te country club as eet es. Godzilla 'as been ribbing me for months about Fume Blanc. Ee can 'ear teir vhispers. Ee know te Basylisk vill no play tennis vit me because of eet. 'E zays: "Maurice, it's bad enough, old boy, you eat cheese! Give me a hearty meal of uncooked flesh anyday of the week. All this cheese stuff is complete nonsense I tell you!" And now, 'e ignores me vhen Ee valk eento a room. Ee should give 'im vhat ees vhat! Tat ees vhat Ee should do!
Ee just can no picture Fume Blanc and Beaujolais running rampant in a field of zoy terrorizing te plants. Eet ees just not te zame. Oh te shame of eet all. Oh te shame!
Friday, January 05, 2007
Ooh La La Te 'Olidays!!
Ee am stuffed. Non, really Ee am. Ee am zo stuffed eet ees painful to type! First tere vas Zolstice Feast, ten tere vas Christmas Dinner, ten ve celebrated Boxing Day and Kwanzaa (two feasts een one! Oh te memories!) And of course ve had Hanukkah every night. Eet vas all zo...tasty! Ee vill miss te 'olidays...[zigh]
Een te days after New Years Feast (ahhh zaurkraut, 'ow Ee adore eet!) Ee 'ave been vatching dachshund wresting een my living room. Ahh oui, Ee am back from France (eet vas zo beautiful, zo vonderful, zo french!) Ee tink my children vould like tis sport, but zadly tey are not 'ere, but back een school again in Paris (except for Fume Blanc vho staged a protest against te use of animal products at 'is school and ees now studying een Japan vere soy and tofu abound). Non, non, eet ees not on t.v. eiter. Apparently Clifford (Ee 'ate saying 'is name like tat, eet should be Cleefford. Ee tink Ee vill call 'im tat from now on--eet ees zo much easier!) Alors, Cleefford and Zamanta are wrestling together zo tat Cleefford's nails vill be trim. 'E vould 'ave none of eet tough. Eet ees very funny and eet tink eet is more amusing to vatch tan any reality show on t.v. (tough Ee do like "Vintage Vine" te reality show vhere yoo 'ave to make te vine!) Cleefford ees very sneaky tat dachshund! 'Ours of amusement Ee tell yoo!
Tere vas no family drama tis year. No one vas naughty, everyone ate, eet vas all good and ten James Brown died. Ee vas very zad zo ve 'ad a memorial feast and played J.B. music all night, danced, and ate our vine and cheese. Eet vas a good night. Ten Ford died and that vas even zadder. No feasting, though ve still celebrated our 'oliday. Zamanta called to zay 'er zister vas zinging in te funeral and ve should vatch. Ve did and ve zaw her, but tat's eet. Nothing more. Apparently tey locked te choir up before and after te service zo tey could no do anyting. Tough one choir member ran eento Mrs. Carter een the batroom and spoke to 'er before she realized vho she vas. (She didn't 'ave 'er glasses on apparently!) Ee am glad Ee do not vear glasses, Ee 'ope Ee vill never make tat mistake! Anyvay, Amanda ees all over te papers in Grand Rapids because she vas een te front row of te choir. Not even tirty and she 'as already 'ad 'er fifteen minutes of fame! Ooh la la! Ee should be zo lucky. Tough Zamanta zays Ee am not famous, but infamous vhich ees better anyvay.
Vell, tat ees all Ee 'ave to report for now. Ee am going to go back to vatching dachshund wrestling een te living room. My bet ees on Cleefford. Ee do no tink Zamanta ees going to vin tis round eiter!
Ee am stuffed. Non, really Ee am. Ee am zo stuffed eet ees painful to type! First tere vas Zolstice Feast, ten tere vas Christmas Dinner, ten ve celebrated Boxing Day and Kwanzaa (two feasts een one! Oh te memories!) And of course ve had Hanukkah every night. Eet vas all zo...tasty! Ee vill miss te 'olidays...[zigh]
Een te days after New Years Feast (ahhh zaurkraut, 'ow Ee adore eet!) Ee 'ave been vatching dachshund wresting een my living room. Ahh oui, Ee am back from France (eet vas zo beautiful, zo vonderful, zo french!) Ee tink my children vould like tis sport, but zadly tey are not 'ere, but back een school again in Paris (except for Fume Blanc vho staged a protest against te use of animal products at 'is school and ees now studying een Japan vere soy and tofu abound). Non, non, eet ees not on t.v. eiter. Apparently Clifford (Ee 'ate saying 'is name like tat, eet should be Cleefford. Ee tink Ee vill call 'im tat from now on--eet ees zo much easier!) Alors, Cleefford and Zamanta are wrestling together zo tat Cleefford's nails vill be trim. 'E vould 'ave none of eet tough. Eet ees very funny and eet tink eet is more amusing to vatch tan any reality show on t.v. (tough Ee do like "Vintage Vine" te reality show vhere yoo 'ave to make te vine!) Cleefford ees very sneaky tat dachshund! 'Ours of amusement Ee tell yoo!
Tere vas no family drama tis year. No one vas naughty, everyone ate, eet vas all good and ten James Brown died. Ee vas very zad zo ve 'ad a memorial feast and played J.B. music all night, danced, and ate our vine and cheese. Eet vas a good night. Ten Ford died and that vas even zadder. No feasting, though ve still celebrated our 'oliday. Zamanta called to zay 'er zister vas zinging in te funeral and ve should vatch. Ve did and ve zaw her, but tat's eet. Nothing more. Apparently tey locked te choir up before and after te service zo tey could no do anyting. Tough one choir member ran eento Mrs. Carter een the batroom and spoke to 'er before she realized vho she vas. (She didn't 'ave 'er glasses on apparently!) Ee am glad Ee do not vear glasses, Ee 'ope Ee vill never make tat mistake! Anyvay, Amanda ees all over te papers in Grand Rapids because she vas een te front row of te choir. Not even tirty and she 'as already 'ad 'er fifteen minutes of fame! Ooh la la! Ee should be zo lucky. Tough Zamanta zays Ee am not famous, but infamous vhich ees better anyvay.
Vell, tat ees all Ee 'ave to report for now. Ee am going to go back to vatching dachshund wrestling een te living room. My bet ees on Cleefford. Ee do no tink Zamanta ees going to vin tis round eiter!
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