Mail Call...

Zo te mail came today and eventough Ee have been 'ere a week and my trial ees tomorrow, my mail came today. C'est la vie. 'Ere ees a zample of my mail:

Dear Maurice,
How are you? I hope you are fine. Sorry about the whole jail thing we actually kind of miss you right now. Um, we need you to come home soon; there is a problem in the backyard. His name, well he won't actually give us his name so we are calling him Ratty McRat. We don't like him much because he's taken up residence between the Bulgarians and us. So between Ratty and Skunky (hanging out next door in the Chinese neighbors disused backyard)we could use some teeth around here.
Thanks a bunch,
Clifford the Little Red Dachshund

Maurice,
I have to say I'm a bit disappointed in your behavior at the airport. I hope you learned a valuable lesson here. I have spoken with your lawyers (both here and in Tuscan) and have been informed you'll be home soon. As for things around here I regret to inform you that you missed sushi twice last week. We went not only to the sushi boat place, but to Yoshi's and listened to jazz. Hopefully you'll be back in time to go for Dinosaur Opera Nite, though we are not ordering the sea urchin again. In other news your home has been invaded by a rather suspicious rat. He's taking over the neighborhood. I think the skunk next door has moved out. Sorry, I know you were close. Clifford and I both would like you to come home soon and deal with Mr. Rat.
All best,
Samantha

Maurice,
Hey, how's it going? Please come home soon. The rat has taken over my yard and is scaring my human kids. Technically he's on your side of the fence, but living between our houses. I can't get to him. What if he's a plague carrying rat? What if everyone gets sick and dies? Who will feed me then? So, um, forget everything I've ever said about you and please come home soon.
Good luck,
Vinnie the Bulgarian Beagle

Dearest Maurice,
Have you missed me? I have missed you. It has been such a long time since last we went gambling. Sorry to hear about your situation. I sincerly hope it is rectified soon. Give me a call when you get back in to town.
Gertrude the Gambling Jellyfish

Mon Cher Maurice,
Ee can not believe yoo are een jail again! Vhat vas eet tis time? Drunken and disorderly conduct? Eet ees a good ting ve are divorced. And vhere ees Burgundy? Vhy 'as 'e not returned 'ome? Vhat kind of a vater are yoo? A miserable example tat's vhat yoo are! 'Ow could Ee 'ave been zo zupid? Ee don't know vhy Ee boter vit yoo! Oh yes, because Ee married yoo!! Grrrr...Call me vhen yoo are out of jail. Ve need to discuss Fume Blanc and our anniversary plans for tis year.
love,
Babette

Cher Papa,
Ee 'ave made a great decision. After many months of tought Ee 'ave decided to become a vegetarian. Ee know, Ee know tat ve 'ave been carnivors since te dawn of te dinosaurs, but Ee can not take te confusion anymore and Ee 'ave decided eet ees better to eat no meat tan to vorry about eating a good person or making a mistake and ending up een te Antartica Prison for Deviant Dinosaurs. Ee 'ope yoo can live vit my decision and Ee 'ope yoo get out of jail zoon.
love,
Fume Blanc
P.S. Mama ees only upset because she doesn't know vhat to zerve for Vinter Zolstice dinner. Ee promise to take my vitamins zo Ee vill stay 'ealthy.

Maurice,
Hey, sorry about the jail thing. I just wanted to let you know I've moved temporarily. I'd like to go to Park Chalet when you get back, it's been a long time since I've been there and I've heard they've got a new wine list. You can locate me at:
Ozastomiac Skunk
3rd Dead log on the left
Cyprus Forrest
Golden Gate Park
San Francisco, CA 94122
Good luck,
Ozzy the Oderous Skunk

Tis ees my life. Ee am gone two veeks and a rat moves een. Vhat kind of vorld ees tis? Rats no respecting dinosuars, carnivours becoming vegatarians, card sharks writing me mail, my ex-vife vanting to plan an anniversary trip, and dogs asking for my help. Vhat am Ee a vigilante? Non! Ee am Maurice, te Pissy French Dinosaur and Ee do noting nobody asks--right after Ee take care of Ratty McRat. 'E should fear me! Ee am T-Rex, 'ear me roar rat, 'ear me roar! And ten Ee vill go for vine vit Ozzy.

Diamond-Back Dave...

Zo Ee vas visited by my lawyer today. Billie brought 'im in. All Ee can zay ees tat Ee am glad 'e ees a reptile. Billie claims 'e 'as not truly lost a case yet. Te few times eet vas close te judge, the prosecuting attorney, and te vitness all died rater zudenly. Billie zays Ee vill be out een no time. Ee look forward to real food again tough Ee 'ad plans to go to Jenny Craig Ee tink Ee vill put eet off for te time being.

Burgundy showed up tis afternoon. 'E vas vearing 'is pink cowboy outfit and all 'is turquoise. Ten 'e presented me vit a cheesecake. The cheesecake vas good, but 'e misunderstood te ingredients and put two packs of cigarettes and a file een eet...Oh Mon Dieu! Je suis stupid! Ee did not comprehend zuch an act...Ee should 'ave been filing my teeth to bite trough te bars vhile 'e was singing "Te Gambler" Ach! Ee tought 'e vas telling me now tat Ee vas een jail 'e vould be joining te "Dixie Chicks." Perhaps 'e ees not as stupid as Ee tought 'e vas. Maybe Ee am te stupid one...no, Ee still tink 'e should 'ave zaid zometing. Anyvay after Ee picked out my cigarettes Ee smoked a few vit Dave. 'E zaid Burgundy 'ad talent and could get 'im an agent. Ee do not tink eet vould 'urt 'im to zing vit te Dixie Chicks especially as teir career ees een te tank. Ee do not know tough. Ee vould rater 'ave 'im zing vit Barry Manilow. 'E vrites te zongs after all. But Dave, 'e tinks Burgundy should zing vit Neil Diamond. Tat vould not be zo bad eiter, te man did vrite many zongs about vine...

Airport Security....

Eet ees not easy being green, nor ees eet easy being a dinosaur, nor one vho likes to drink before getting on a flight... Burgundy and Ee vere very lucky ve took Teradactyl Express. Ee 'ave never seen one child of mine take zo much crap to te desert for one veek. Ee told 'im eet vill be hhot. Burgundy zaid "But Papa, Ee vant to go out at night and party vit te DD." Vho are the DD? Ee asked suspiciously. "Papa, the Desert Dogs!!" Ohkay. Ee 'ad no idea vhat 'e vas going on about, but eef 'e vanted to lug all tat crap to Arizona ten good for 'im.

Ve stayed at Great Uncle Sinclair's. Technically 'e ees a Brontosaurus, but tey do not exist...so ve just do not discuss vhat GUS (Great Uncle Sinclair) ees. GUS ees very vealthy, comes from owning all tose gas stations (Ee should remind 'im Babette 'as a lot of excess gas 'e can 'ave. He, he, he!) GUS took us to Tombstone (tere vas no pizza! Ee vanted green peppers and anchovies, but no Ee only got a measly cowboy and a zide of horse! Humph!) Burgundy got shot. Eet vas vhile Ee vas looking for a snack at Boothill. Zomeone mistook him for an alien. Crazy SOB from New Mexico. Ve 'ad to find a 'ospital tat vould take dinosaurs and ve could not get back to Tuscon een time zo ve vent to te local DDWCF (Desert Dog Wholistic Care Facility). Ve met a very nice coyote named Billie vho took us een for te night. Eet vas very nice of 'er, but Ee vould 'ave prefered she not 'ave 'ad a rave going on vhile Ee vas trying to sleep. Burgundy did not obey te lizard doctor's orders and partied all night and burst his stitches and ve 'ad to take 'im back to te 'ospital te next day.

After te 'ospital ve vent to Tubac and 'ad French Food: French Vine, French Bread, and French Taco Zalad--Eet ees zo good. Ee love all tings French, tis yoo know. Ee also vent up te Mount Lemmon vit the cacti and te funky rock and te hhobit 'omes. Ee must zay Zmog really did a number up tere. Ee vonder vhat 'e 'as against ski resorts in Arizona? Te hhobits are rebuilding. Eet ees always good to see hhobits, tey don't 'ave lawyers to protect tem like hhumans. Fine eatting...Especailly in a nice dijon sauce vit mushrooms...And ten ve had Mexicans for dinner.

Ee vent by te dinosaur museum, but could not get Burgundy nor GUS interested. Burgundy zaid eet vas "boar-hing" and GUS zaid tey just liked to tell 'im tere 'e does not exist. Zo ve did not go een. (Remind me vhy Ee travel vit tem? Ee do not know eiter.) Ve vent to te Universite d'Arizona and rode te street car (much like 'ome) and 'ad Greeks for lunch. GUS chose, 'e vanted Gamma Upsalon Sigma. Ee did not care as long as eet came vit zome Greek zalad.

At te Taliesin Vest ve finally 'ad a nice nap in te pool. Ee got zunburnt and 'ad to empty te vine cellar een te cabaret to cope vit te pain. GUS vhined all te vay back because Hhe 'ad zunblock, but no one asked 'im for eet. Eef Ee 'ad known Ee vould 'ave used eet!!! And ten ve tried to go to Mexico, but ve did not 'ave our passports. Ee do not remember much else in Arizona. Burgundy spent a lot of time vit Billie te coyote and vearing ghetto gear. He did buy a cowboy outfit in Tubac to "blend een", but Ee do not tink eet vorked. For one, pink and green not such a good combination as yoo vill zoon discover...

Zo ve zaid our good-byes to GUS and vent to te airport. Eet turns out Burgundy had one vhole suitcase full of 'air gel. 'Air gel? 'E's a DINOSAUR!! 'E does not 'ave 'air!!! 'E also tried to smuggle back Billie een 'is suitcase. (Mon Dieu! Ee 'ave an idiot for a zon! Not only te 'air gel, but Billie? Nonononono! Billie vill eat Clifford for a snack...vait a minute...nonoononoo! Zamanta vill kill me eef zometing 'appens to te "babypuppy", but eet ees not zuch a bad idea, non?) Ee got detained because tey tought Ee vas a Mexican dinosaur and tey made me dump all my vine. Ee zaid "NOOOOOOO!" And Ee drank eet all een te airport. Ten tey zaid Ee vas too drunk to fly, zo Ee zaid Ee vould rent a car, but no Ee vas too drunk to drive. Zo Ee zaid Ee would take a train and tey pretty much didn't care, but ten Ee vomited all te vine and te cactus candy (Ee tink eet vas te combination) and ten tey put me in jail.

Zo tis ees my um tird time een jail. Eet's not so bad. Billie knows a good lawyer, a real snake and Ee should be 'aving my court date zoon at Elephant Head Mountain. Burgundy is staying vit GUS for now and 'as developed a fascination vit turquoise. Ee don't vant to hear eet, vhatever yoo tink. Ee don't vant to hear eet. Maybe Ee should 'ave left 'im and Arugula in Monaco...

Burgundy and te Lava Flows een Oregon...

Eet vas a long veekend. Mon Dieu, never 'ave children or at least do not mate vit a dinosaur! Apparently te God Pidgeon found Burgundy and Arugula en Monaco. Arugula got zent back to Godzilla and 'e dropped Burgundy off here. ('E tried to zend 'im back to Babette, but she shouted zo much about faters being a zource of dicipline and 'ow Ee lacked any zort of role modeling skills 'e brought te boy back 'ere.

Zo 'ere Ee am living een te back yard of Zamanta's vit my zon. Zo ve all vent up to Oregon for te veekend. Ee rented a lava flow from a chipmunk or vas eet a ground squirl, Ee can not tell te difference and ve 'ung out in Bend. Ve found a very nice ice cream parlor vhere Ee got te last of the vanilla ice cream. Eet ees a good ting. Eet ees vhat Ee like. Eef Ee do not get vhat Ee like Ee cause a scene. Zo Burgundy vho did not get 'is vanilla ice cream nearly 'ad a cow. 'E trew a temper tantrum and insisted te cow behind te counter go milk zomemore. Te cow vould 'ave none of it and made 'im eat expresso ice cream, but as te caffiene goes right trough 'im Ee now know every batroom between Bend and Sun River.

Te lava flow vas nice. Eet vas rough and rocky and varm. Burgundy complained te whole time: Papa, te lizards are laughing at me; Papa, the crows are staring at me; Papa, my bed's too hard...blah, blah, blah. (Can yoo believe te rubbish coming from 'is mouth? Ee can no figure out from vhere tis behavior comes from? But even more strange...te lizards vere laughing at 'im. Ee am 'onestly surprised tey noticed 'is ridiculous hair cut. Te crows, vel, tey tend to notice tose tings). Ee told 'im een my day ve 'ad noting but tar pits and hot lava to choose from! 'E did not believe me (Ee swear Ee zaid noting about te giant moss bed, but Ee tink Babette must 'ave told 'im). Ee took 'im to te top of Mount Bachelor and all he vanted to do vas lunch. No amazement at te beauty, no noting, just vhen do ve eat, vho do ve eat, and 'ow much can ve eat. Does tat voman not teach our children noting? Ungrateful little snot.

Ve are going to Arizona to visit zome distant relatives in te desert. Ee am looking forward to the zouthwestern food, zun, and zand. Eet ees about time Ee got out of te Zan Francisco fog. Eet ees a shame Burgundy vas able to get a last minute ticket on Taradactyl Express. Ee realy vanted to leave 'im 'ere vit Clifford. My son is shamelessly afraid of a 14 lb dachshund. Back in my day...vell there were no dachshunds so Ee do not know if I'd be afraid or no. Vhen Clifford scares me Ee just give 'im zome cheese. Vho does not like cheese? Exactly, only La Crosse players, but tey are tasty to eat! Post marinated of course...

Eet Vas NOT My Fault!

Ee 'ave been arguing vit Clifford The Little Red Dachshund for 'ours now. 'E tinks te eartquake last night vas my fault. Ee said eet vas not, but 'e ees not satisfied vit my answer. Een my defense Ee vill zay tat Ee vas 'aving dinner een te backyard (Ee am grounded remember, Ee am not permitted out vitout a chaperone) vhen te eart began to shake. Ee tought at first "Wow, Ee must be very 'ungry to make te eart shake" ten Ee tought vhen eet did not stop "Te lightrail ees getting out of 'and zomebody should complain to MUNI." Ten Ee heard Clifford shouting at me "Knock it off you menace of a dinosaur I'm begging for dinner and you're interupting me!" Ee shouted back "Lousy dog! Eet ees not me!" Vinnie te tasty looking beagle next door shouted "Maurice, don't make me come over there!" "Eet ees not me!" Ee shouted and ten eet stopped.

Yoo'd tink Vinnie vould have stopped yelling, but no. Eet vas Maurice yoo menace tis, Maurice tat, Maurice yoo are bringing property values down and etc. Ee vould happily move back eento te park, but Ee can not. Grrr...Vinnie...Ee keep picturing 'im as meatloaf... Clifford vould not believe me eiter, even tough Zamanta zaid eet vas not my fault...tis time (tere vas tat tsunami incident at te dinosaur family reunion a couple of Christmases ago). Zo Clifford took back 'is dog bed I "borrowed" and gave me a towel instead. Ee told tem eet vas probably Godzilla, but te dogs did not believe me. Ee did get a sugar free mango peach slurpie tough. Eet made everyone feel better, except Zamanta vho ees now trying to train Clifford to stand een a doorvay vhen te eart shakes. Ee told 'er 'e von't do eet, 'e doesn't even comprend te vord "toy" en English. She ees just going to 'ave to learn better Dachshund Ee tink.

Baseball vit te Giants

Ee do not understand vhy tey are called "giants". Tey are not zo very large. Een fact Ee tink tey are slow like giants, but certainly not very large.

Zo Ee took te "N Judah" to te ball park. (Ee can not remember te name eet 'as changed zo many times). And Ee got tere and Ee vas 'ungry zo Ee tried a cart of "sheboygan dogs" and 'ad me zome guiness. Eet vas te best part of te game, unless yoo vanted te "Nationals" to vin. (Vhat ees a national? And vhy vere te small giants playing tem Ee do not know.) Te game vas not as interesting as te food, but noting ever ees.)

Ee tink Ee fell asleep, because vhen Ee awoke Ee vas alone een te stadium staring eye to eye vit a zeagull. "Bonjour Zeagull," Ee zaid, "vho von te game?" Te zeagull looked at me vit 'is beak full of 'otdog bun, swallowed and said "the Nationals, who'd you think would have won?" "Eet vas a long shot te short giants could 'ave von Ee guess." "Did you bet on the game?" 'E asked. "No, Ee did not. Ee do not bet on sports, eet ees no fun." "Too bad, it is fun. Especially when you win. Gert hates it when you win." "Gert, vho ees tis Gert?" Ee asked. "Ooohhh...You've never met Gert? Wait around and see..." And 'e flew off. Zo Ee vaited. And vaited. And vaited.

Ten een te pale moonlight te most glorious creature arose from te bay and slithered een to the stadium. She glowed she vas zo lovely. Ee cleared my troat and introduced myself. "Madam, Ee am Maurice and vho might yoo be?" She looked up at me (Ee tink) and smiled (again Ee tink)and zaid "I am Gertrude the Gambler, the wise and hypnotic giant jelly fish." (Mon Dieu ees she ever!) "Would you like to place a bet on the Giants next game?" She asked. "Zure" Ee zaid, "anyting yoo vant."

Zo Ee placed a bet, lost last night, and am now camping out in Zamanta's backyard (Ee lost my 'ome in Golden Gate Park. Zamanta von't let me place anymore bets vit Gert. She von't even let me go back to te ball park. But Ee know Gert ees swimming around te Bay, eet von't be so difficult to track her down again...