Dinosaurs, Garlic, and Chaos...

Oh la la, vhere do Ee begin? Te day began zo nice! Ee left te beach and drove to Gilroy een my tank, picking up Nessy (Loch Nessy) een Morgan 'ill. (She ees staying vit friends for te zummer). Nessy vas een zuch an upbeat mood, te zun vas shining, ve could smell te garlic een te air...And eet all vent down 'ill from tere. Aarg!

Te map zucked. No vait, Ee am not zure te map zucked zo much as Nessy's map reading skills zucked. She got us lost. Ve took te vrong exit. Ve went te vrong direction because Nessy 'ad te map upside down. Ee just should 'ave gone 'ome. But no, Ee did not.

Zo ve got to te Garlic Festival, parked te tank, and realized Nessy did not 'ave any anti zun lotion. Yoo vould tink being a creature of deep waters she'd know zuch tings. But no. On top of tis ve discovered because ve vere dinosaurs our admission price vas $24 not $12 like regular adults. Ve tried for te zenior citizen discount, but to no avail. Eet was our zize tat mattered apparently. Zo ve vent in. Ve scouted out te food booths, got our free garlic ice cream, and attempted to scavange for lunch. Nessy found zome fried artichoke 'earts and Ee found zome shrips quesadillas. Ten ve vent to a tent to eat in te shade.

Tat's ven Nessy got an upsetting fone call vhich caused 'er to blubber and make a scene. And tat's vhen Godzilla spoted me. "Maurice!" 'E yelled, "Maurice get your T-Rex dino booty over here right now!" Ee attempted to 'ave not 'eard 'im and freigned interest een te news tat Nessy's bathing zuit vas beyond repair and she'd 'ave to get a new one. (She custom orders tem zo tourists in Scotland can not tell te difference between 'er and zeaweed. Eet ees very clever, n'est ce pas? But eet ees also tres expensive and Ee tink she took a big 'it een te stock market zo tat she ees now financially unstable. Ee told 'er gambling vas a viable option, but no she vould 'ave none of eet!) "Maurice, Arrrgh!" Yelled Godzilla as 'e grabbed my lunch away from me. "Vait a minute! Tat is my lunch!" Ee shouted (tough Ee had been eyeing an over-weight metal-head with long hair as dessert--Te lawyers Ee know! Ee know!) "And a very good lunch it seems it was Maurice." 'E zaid consuming vhat vas left, "now, let's talk about Burgundy." "Oh la la! Ee can not speak of my zon on an empty stomach!" (Ee was eyeing my metal-head friend again). "Ee at least need a drink." Godzilla paused and then said "There's a wine tent over there, I hear they have garlic wine. You want to give it a try?" "Ahhh, Godzilla, yoo know me zo vell, how did Ee not know tere was a vine tent? Mon Dieu!"

Zo Godilla and Ee drank our garlic vine, but 'e did not know Ee had bought several strands of garlic and Ee consumed tem under te table. 'E tought 'e was making me drunk, too drunk to fight, but no Ee am more resilient tan tat! Zo after zome pleasant conversation like: "So Maurice, is Burgundy the one who plays the ukulele?" "No, 'e plays te tuba. Pino Noir plays te ukulele and 'is twin Pino Grigio plays te jaw harp." "Ohhh...I think I have them mixed up then." "Vell Ee do 'ave 137 children, eet ees hard to keep up vit tem all."

Zo after drinking, we left the tent to pace off (dino dueling 'as specific rules. Te duelers must stand back to back and pace off tree paces, turn, and scream before runing at each oter). "One, Two, Three....Aaarrgggh!!!" Ee got 'im vit my garlic breath and 'e passed out. Ee grabbed Nessy and ve ran. Okay Ee ran, she flopped very quickly, but ve vere very fast all te vay to te tank.

Vhen ve got to te tank Nessy realized she 'ad gone from a lovely shade of gray-green to a zickening shade of greenish-mauve vit dark red velts. Zo ve drove to Zan Jose vhere te emergency room staff tought ve vere tere to eat tem and not zeeking 'elp. Once ve explained Nessy's condition to a doctor Ee 'ad pinned up against te vall tey vere more tan 'elpful.

Nessy ees doing much better now. She ees back vit 'er friends zoaking in teir zwimming pool filled vit ice under a tarp. As for Godzilla Ee do not know vhat became of 'im...but Ee am zure eet vill not be long before Ee find out.

Fone Call From Babette...

Eet ees bad enouff Ee 'ave an ex- vife, but does she 'ave to call moi vhen Ee am trying to sleep off my 'angover. Ee 'ad a petit too much to drink at Pittsburgh's last night and to be awokened at noon to a screaming french ex ees not my idea of a vake-up call.

"Ooooh la la!" she screamed into the fone, "Maurice, yoo do not know vhat tat zon of yours did last night!" Ee said to 'er "Vhich zon? Ee have 137 children and Ee do not know 'ow many of tem are zons!" "Yoo bad fater! 'Ow could yoo not know 'ow many zons yoo have?" Ee said ten "'Ow many zons do Ee 'ave?" "Maurice!" She screamed (because she does not know eiter) "Maurice! Eet ees Burgundy, 'E 'as runned off vit Godzillas' daughter Arugula to Monaco!" "Ave yoo called Godzilla yet?" Ee asked meekly. "Ach no! Not after yoo got drunk at te family reunion and punched 'im out! Ee am afraid Maurice" She vhispered, "vhat eef 'e comes 'ere to seek revenge?"

Zo, now Ee 'ave a zon in Monaco vit no zense. Yoo vould tink my zon would 'ave better zense, but no. Eet ees a good ting Ee 'ave paid off my debt to te God Pidgeon as Ee vill now 'ave to ask 'im to v.q.c.p. (very quick carrier pidgeon) my zon to zend Arugula home. Tis 'ad better not upset my plans for the Gilroy Garlic Festival tomorrow. [Sigh]. Ee am zo looking forward to my garlic fries.

Lost een Zan Francisco...

Eet vas bad enouff te vreched DMV gave me zuch a defficult time vit my driver's liscence. Eet vas not my fault Ee 'ad no birt certificate, te records office should 'ave been around before te zo called "dawn of civilization." Te egomaniacs! Tey 'ave te nerve to tink tat just because 'umans invented civilization tat ve dinosaurs are not important! Crazy humans, Ee ate yoo at te dawn of civilization and Ee vill keep eatting yoo--but only ven yoo piss me off! Especially te morons at Mapquest tat do not know about construction zones and changes to te exits! (Tere ees tat court order edict to not eat 'umans unless Ee am zo provoked, but eet is zo 'ard not too!) Zo tere Ee was in my tank (vhen te American market come out vit a car large enouff pour moi eet vill be a great victory for all dino-kind!) trying to get back onto the freevay, but no human vould let my tank in. Ten after Ee blew a Volkswagen Jetta away wit te gun on my tank, only ten did Ee discover Ee could not go west on 'ighvay 80. Grrrrr..... Zo ten Ee found 'ighvay 101, but Ee vent te vrong direction and ended up in Daily City at an exit Ee could not turn around on and ten ven Ee did turn around Ee missed my exit again and ended up back vere Ee started. Zo Ee stopped at te "Hhappy Donuts"--ate a couple of clerks and vashed tem down vit zome coffee and krollers and headed to te Irish pub on Howard. Tey may or may not 'ave 'ad vine, but Ee drank a couple of kegs of Guiness, ate zome garlic fries, and called Zamanta to pick me up as Ee vas too intoxicated to drive anymore. She vas not very pleased because Ee do not fit very comfortably into her Zaturn and Ee 'ad to ride home on te roof. Eet should be noted tat eet ees 'ard to shout directions from te roof of a car and tat Zamanta sure yells a lot ven yoo try to give her directions from te roof of a car.