Tere ees Noting to Zay...
Ee am fed up! No more! Ee 'ave 'ad enough! No more eenexpensive vine! Vhat ees vit tese people zerving me tis "stuff!" Do tey know vho Ee am? Ee am Maurice! Te Maginifique! And Ee do no drink bad vine! Ee also do no eat crumby cheese eiter, but yoo know 'ow eet goes! No one 'as taste anymore! Ee need to educate the masses! Ee also do no take being bossed around vell eiter. Ee can tink of a few people vho 'ave made "Te List of Consumation" and tey are een truble...big trouble, because Ee am being dispatched on a mission...For te first time in a year. Vatch out Commando, vatch out Rocky, vatch out Terminator...Maurice ees back and 'e's taking names and biting heads. However, dear readers, as long as yoo do no vork for any libraries changing their public hours yoo 'ave noting to vorry about, unless yoo are a bike rider vho no stops at stop signs, or eef you advertise eetems for sale and ten do no have tem een te store...eef yoo make tis list ten yoo should be afraid, be very afraid!!! Brewhahaha! Ruhahahaha! Ee 'ave no felt tis good een years. Eet ees time to kick some deriere and try tat 'eadcheese! First Ee vill go zee te dentist about sharpening my teeth!
Zo..."List of Consumption" now eencludes:
1. Libraries vho change their hours
2. Terrible vine and cheese
3. Bike riders vho no stop at stop signs
4. Italian food
5. Stores vho no carry vhat tey advertise
6. Smelly people
7. People on te Muni
8. People vho arbitrarily change teir minds
9. People vho can no make a decision to save teir life or my zanity
10 People vho no communicate
11. And as always, crazy people.
Ee am Maurice and yoo should be very, very careful no to piss me off!!
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
ACK!!ACK!!ACK!!! And Oter Reasons Ee 'Ate "Clubs"!!!
Vat ees vit tese people? Eh? Eh? Ee vant to know, maintenant! Ooh la la, my 'ead 'urts. Tese dinosaurs are craaazy! Zo, Ee attended my FDA (Federated Dinosaurs Association) meeting a few weeks ago and te leader of te pack ees tis crazy stegasaurus named Hildegard. Ohh, she ees zo unfriendly she greeted no one, but zat een a corner vhispering vit all 'er friends as tough she 'ad zome big secret. And ten, she started te meeting by zaying, "Well, since we can't get anyone to believe in our existance any more I propose we disband, crawl in our respective holes, and give ourselves over to extinction." Vhat ees she crazy? Ee am no crawling eento no 'ole! Tey are dark and do no 'ave a feather bed, wine, or a refridgerator! And Ee am no zurrendering to extinction! Eef Ee can live trough te Ice Age, te Dark Ages, and Disco Ee can live trough anyting! Zo vhat eef people do no believe Ee am real? Eet do no matter! Crazy, crazy, crazy Hildegard! Ee could take 'er and 'er pack down een a heartbeat! Ee 'ear stegasaurus burgers are quite tasty! Ee 'eard a rumor te Armadillo, te shark, and te Alligator vere going to form teir own club: AAS. Ee vonder eef Ee qualify? Do Ee really vant to be associated with a bunch of AASes? Perhaps Ee 'ad better go talk to my Neanderthal friends at NORAD (Neanderthals Of Radicalism And Determination).
Crazy dinosaurs...
Zo, Ee time traveled. Ee vent back een time and got myself zome good beer and vent to my good friend Sir Brett of the "Dragon Dogs on a Stick." Good times. Good times. Zo, Ee now 'ave a friend, obviously vit miraculous gifts. She blind folded me and vhisked me eento te park! Vhen Ee opened my eyes Ee vas een te middle of te Renaissance and Ee 'ad totally forgotten 'ow much clevage tere 'ad been! Ee also forgot te early versions of soda pop, garlic fries, and chinese food in te Italian Renaissance. And Ee also forgot everyone vas speaking English...vait a minute...!!! Tat vas no Renaissance!! Vell, tere goes my plan for taking over te FDA. Tat crazy Hildegard and 'er crazy visions!! Grrrrr.....Ee must speak to Nanette and te Frenchies about tis. Eet ees no vise to dupe a T-Rex. Ee does no bode vell for anyone, however, eet vas a good time. Zo Nanette ees forgiven. But next time, no silly talk about time travel!
Vat ees vit tese people? Eh? Eh? Ee vant to know, maintenant! Ooh la la, my 'ead 'urts. Tese dinosaurs are craaazy! Zo, Ee attended my FDA (Federated Dinosaurs Association) meeting a few weeks ago and te leader of te pack ees tis crazy stegasaurus named Hildegard. Ohh, she ees zo unfriendly she greeted no one, but zat een a corner vhispering vit all 'er friends as tough she 'ad zome big secret. And ten, she started te meeting by zaying, "Well, since we can't get anyone to believe in our existance any more I propose we disband, crawl in our respective holes, and give ourselves over to extinction." Vhat ees she crazy? Ee am no crawling eento no 'ole! Tey are dark and do no 'ave a feather bed, wine, or a refridgerator! And Ee am no zurrendering to extinction! Eef Ee can live trough te Ice Age, te Dark Ages, and Disco Ee can live trough anyting! Zo vhat eef people do no believe Ee am real? Eet do no matter! Crazy, crazy, crazy Hildegard! Ee could take 'er and 'er pack down een a heartbeat! Ee 'ear stegasaurus burgers are quite tasty! Ee 'eard a rumor te Armadillo, te shark, and te Alligator vere going to form teir own club: AAS. Ee vonder eef Ee qualify? Do Ee really vant to be associated with a bunch of AASes? Perhaps Ee 'ad better go talk to my Neanderthal friends at NORAD (Neanderthals Of Radicalism And Determination).
Crazy dinosaurs...
Zo, Ee time traveled. Ee vent back een time and got myself zome good beer and vent to my good friend Sir Brett of the "Dragon Dogs on a Stick." Good times. Good times. Zo, Ee now 'ave a friend, obviously vit miraculous gifts. She blind folded me and vhisked me eento te park! Vhen Ee opened my eyes Ee vas een te middle of te Renaissance and Ee 'ad totally forgotten 'ow much clevage tere 'ad been! Ee also forgot te early versions of soda pop, garlic fries, and chinese food in te Italian Renaissance. And Ee also forgot everyone vas speaking English...vait a minute...!!! Tat vas no Renaissance!! Vell, tere goes my plan for taking over te FDA. Tat crazy Hildegard and 'er crazy visions!! Grrrrr.....Ee must speak to Nanette and te Frenchies about tis. Eet ees no vise to dupe a T-Rex. Ee does no bode vell for anyone, however, eet vas a good time. Zo Nanette ees forgiven. But next time, no silly talk about time travel!
Friday, August 17, 2007
Te Case of Te Missing Sheboygan...
Zo Ee tink eet vas last veek vhen Cleeford called me up at te FlipSide to eenform me ve 'ad tickets for te Giants game. Ee zaid to 'im "Ee tought yoo zaid tat vas tomorrow?" and 'e zaid "I thought so too, but I just saw Ozzy at the beach and I asked him and he said they were for tonight!" Ee tought about eet for a minute and ten zaid "Okay, Ee vill meet yoo tere" Zo as eet vas already 5pm and te game started at 7 Ee got on Muni and headed for te park.
Eet vas a nice day. Eet vas varm, te zun vas shining, and te birds...vell tey vere tasty. As eet vas Cleeford and Ozzy vere early, but ve 'ad to vait and vait and vait for te Basilysk. "I say old chaps, what are we doing standing around when we could be getting some tasty Sheboygans?" As eef 'e vas vaiting for us! Umph! Alors, ve vent een.
Ve made te Basilysk buy our beer, which ees always circumspect. Te creature knows vine, but beer ve are never too zure of. Zo ve gave 'im our orders: 3 blacksmiths and 1 smithwicks. And ten ve all stood een line for te tasty Sheboygans. Sheboygans vit zaurkraut and onions. Only te mustard gave us issue. Te pump vould no vork zo te Basilysk took te lid off and poured eet onto te zausage. Unfortunately Cleeford got more tan 'e barganed for. Lots more. Ee tink tere vas enough spicey mustard tere to zervice 6 Sheboygans!
And zo ve all sat down. And ve tried to eat te Sheboygans, only te zausage broke through te buns and no one vas sure 'ow to get to the zausage or get te zausage to stay between te buns. Zo eet vas vhen Ozzy vas no paying attention 'is Sheboygan miraculously "flew" away and all 'e 'ad left vas te bun! Ozzy vas zo 'ungry 'e tried to look for eet on te ground to eat eet. But 'e could no find eet (vhich Ee tink vas good zince vho knows 'ow clean tat floor ees!) Ve did figure eet landed under te chair een front of 'im, but te aging 'ippo een tat chair probably ate eet despite claiming to be knowing no ting about eet. 'E vas a funny guy tat 'ippo... Zo ve all felt bad for 'ungry Ozzy, but at tat moment Barry Bonds stepped up to te plate and ve all forgot about Ozzy and 'is rumbling tummy and ve all stood up to cheer. Ve 'eld our breath and prayed to our respective dieties and vatched tat man 'it number 756 eento te stands on te oter zide of te park!
Streamers shot out of te bleachers, firevorks vent off on te barge een te vater, and tere vas much cheering, shouting, and jumping around. Ve vere zo excited ve forgot to look at Bonds run te plates 'ome! And tere vere speaches and news crews and lots of excitement. Ee can 'onestly zay tat Ee no remember te rest of te game. No one could concentrate. But Ee tink yoo deserve to know tat Ozzy did get another Sheboygan, tough for zome reason 'e no ceased to look for 'is first one, vhich ees a leetle disturbing eef yoo ask me. Ee am no zo zure vhat Ee vill do te next time 'e eenvites me over for dinner. Vill tat meat 'ave been on te floor? Only Ozzy vill truly know. And tat ees vhat scares me. Ee may be a dinosaur, but Ee do 'ave standards!
Zo Ee tink eet vas last veek vhen Cleeford called me up at te FlipSide to eenform me ve 'ad tickets for te Giants game. Ee zaid to 'im "Ee tought yoo zaid tat vas tomorrow?" and 'e zaid "I thought so too, but I just saw Ozzy at the beach and I asked him and he said they were for tonight!" Ee tought about eet for a minute and ten zaid "Okay, Ee vill meet yoo tere" Zo as eet vas already 5pm and te game started at 7 Ee got on Muni and headed for te park.
Eet vas a nice day. Eet vas varm, te zun vas shining, and te birds...vell tey vere tasty. As eet vas Cleeford and Ozzy vere early, but ve 'ad to vait and vait and vait for te Basilysk. "I say old chaps, what are we doing standing around when we could be getting some tasty Sheboygans?" As eef 'e vas vaiting for us! Umph! Alors, ve vent een.
Ve made te Basilysk buy our beer, which ees always circumspect. Te creature knows vine, but beer ve are never too zure of. Zo ve gave 'im our orders: 3 blacksmiths and 1 smithwicks. And ten ve all stood een line for te tasty Sheboygans. Sheboygans vit zaurkraut and onions. Only te mustard gave us issue. Te pump vould no vork zo te Basilysk took te lid off and poured eet onto te zausage. Unfortunately Cleeford got more tan 'e barganed for. Lots more. Ee tink tere vas enough spicey mustard tere to zervice 6 Sheboygans!
And zo ve all sat down. And ve tried to eat te Sheboygans, only te zausage broke through te buns and no one vas sure 'ow to get to the zausage or get te zausage to stay between te buns. Zo eet vas vhen Ozzy vas no paying attention 'is Sheboygan miraculously "flew" away and all 'e 'ad left vas te bun! Ozzy vas zo 'ungry 'e tried to look for eet on te ground to eat eet. But 'e could no find eet (vhich Ee tink vas good zince vho knows 'ow clean tat floor ees!) Ve did figure eet landed under te chair een front of 'im, but te aging 'ippo een tat chair probably ate eet despite claiming to be knowing no ting about eet. 'E vas a funny guy tat 'ippo... Zo ve all felt bad for 'ungry Ozzy, but at tat moment Barry Bonds stepped up to te plate and ve all forgot about Ozzy and 'is rumbling tummy and ve all stood up to cheer. Ve 'eld our breath and prayed to our respective dieties and vatched tat man 'it number 756 eento te stands on te oter zide of te park!
Streamers shot out of te bleachers, firevorks vent off on te barge een te vater, and tere vas much cheering, shouting, and jumping around. Ve vere zo excited ve forgot to look at Bonds run te plates 'ome! And tere vere speaches and news crews and lots of excitement. Ee can 'onestly zay tat Ee no remember te rest of te game. No one could concentrate. But Ee tink yoo deserve to know tat Ozzy did get another Sheboygan, tough for zome reason 'e no ceased to look for 'is first one, vhich ees a leetle disturbing eef yoo ask me. Ee am no zo zure vhat Ee vill do te next time 'e eenvites me over for dinner. Vill tat meat 'ave been on te floor? Only Ozzy vill truly know. And tat ees vhat scares me. Ee may be a dinosaur, but Ee do 'ave standards!
Friday, July 27, 2007
Valking te 2 x 4 to Zober...
Eet vas not like tey zerve French vine every night. Zo eet vas no zurprise Ee drank a leetle too much. First of all, Ee vas no zupposed to be tere, but zecond of all eet vas French vine night!!! Zo anyvay, after a very harried burrito at Del Taco, ve all vent to te vine bar, me and my Frenchies vhere ve listened to French music, ate French cheese, spoke French, and drank French vine. Eet vas a grand ole time Ee must zay. But eet vas vhen Ee came 'ome tat te story actually begins.
Ee came 'ome and Cleeford was all like "Maurice, you're drunk again!" and Ee vas like "Zo vhat eef Ee am? Ee can still valk a straight line!" Zo Cleeford zaid "Okay, try waking a 2 x 4!!" And zo ve vent out to te back yard and Ee attempted to valk a 2 x 4. Ee could no do eet! Ee could valk a straight line on te ground, but no on te 2 x 4! Zo, Ee am now petitioning te police to 'ave tem carry 2 x 4s in tere trunks to 'ave te drunks valk tem. Ee tink eet vould be a more good vay to catch te drunks! Ee am a classic drunk and even Ee could no do eet! Classic/chronic, Ee am still smarter tan Paris or Lindsey. Tey 'ave zo much to learn.
Een oter news, Ee 'ave started a new fashion of te red berret/crazy hats in Zan Francisco. Tese people are everyvhere copying me. Ee am zuch a trend zetter. Ee vear a 'at, now everyone vears a 'at. Ee carry a travel mug, now everyone carries a travel mug. Eet ees good to be a trend zetter! Perhaps Ee can start te "clown shoes" trend next?
And Ee got eento a fight on Muni te oter day. Zome guy vas being rude. Ee zay no one 'as te right to be rude but te French! Zo vhen 'e shoved me, Ee shoved 'im back--right up until te moment 'e got off te Muni and Ee shoved 'im out te door. Take tat yoo rude American!! Viva la France!! Vhat a complete moron. Yoo no try to be ruder tan te French. Eet no vork tat vay!
Anyvay, must get going. Ee got zome legal matters to attend to. Cleeford ees tinking of sueing a park for not letting 'im een. Eet ees racial discrimination to no admit furry four legged patrons!! Ve are very upset at tis and vant to ammend tis terrible zituation!! Cleeford 'as oter legal matters to attend to anyvay, zo ve need to get 'im a good lawyer. Zo Ee am off to te Park to look for one now. Ee should no be too 'ard eef Ee recall correctly!
Eet vas not like tey zerve French vine every night. Zo eet vas no zurprise Ee drank a leetle too much. First of all, Ee vas no zupposed to be tere, but zecond of all eet vas French vine night!!! Zo anyvay, after a very harried burrito at Del Taco, ve all vent to te vine bar, me and my Frenchies vhere ve listened to French music, ate French cheese, spoke French, and drank French vine. Eet vas a grand ole time Ee must zay. But eet vas vhen Ee came 'ome tat te story actually begins.
Ee came 'ome and Cleeford was all like "Maurice, you're drunk again!" and Ee vas like "Zo vhat eef Ee am? Ee can still valk a straight line!" Zo Cleeford zaid "Okay, try waking a 2 x 4!!" And zo ve vent out to te back yard and Ee attempted to valk a 2 x 4. Ee could no do eet! Ee could valk a straight line on te ground, but no on te 2 x 4! Zo, Ee am now petitioning te police to 'ave tem carry 2 x 4s in tere trunks to 'ave te drunks valk tem. Ee tink eet vould be a more good vay to catch te drunks! Ee am a classic drunk and even Ee could no do eet! Classic/chronic, Ee am still smarter tan Paris or Lindsey. Tey 'ave zo much to learn.
Een oter news, Ee 'ave started a new fashion of te red berret/crazy hats in Zan Francisco. Tese people are everyvhere copying me. Ee am zuch a trend zetter. Ee vear a 'at, now everyone vears a 'at. Ee carry a travel mug, now everyone carries a travel mug. Eet ees good to be a trend zetter! Perhaps Ee can start te "clown shoes" trend next?
And Ee got eento a fight on Muni te oter day. Zome guy vas being rude. Ee zay no one 'as te right to be rude but te French! Zo vhen 'e shoved me, Ee shoved 'im back--right up until te moment 'e got off te Muni and Ee shoved 'im out te door. Take tat yoo rude American!! Viva la France!! Vhat a complete moron. Yoo no try to be ruder tan te French. Eet no vork tat vay!
Anyvay, must get going. Ee got zome legal matters to attend to. Cleeford ees tinking of sueing a park for not letting 'im een. Eet ees racial discrimination to no admit furry four legged patrons!! Ve are very upset at tis and vant to ammend tis terrible zituation!! Cleeford 'as oter legal matters to attend to anyvay, zo ve need to get 'im a good lawyer. Zo Ee am off to te Park to look for one now. Ee should no be too 'ard eef Ee recall correctly!
Saturday, July 21, 2007
'Arry Potter et Moi...
Zo, Cleefford and Ee relized last night at te vine bar tat we were almost te last persons een te vorld to get our copies of "'Arry Potter"! Eet ees a shame, tey all should 'ave come out at te same time everywhere around te vorld!! Te only people vho got tere copies later tan us vere een Alaska and Hawaii. Tose crazy Aussies 'ad probably finished te book before ve even got eet!Vest Coast living zucked last night, despite te excellent vine.
Zo after our Ahi Tuna and vine flight ve stumbled down to te bookstore vhere tere vere zo many people dressed up like vizzards, vitches, demontors, and etc. Cleefford 'ad 'is Potter glasses on and Ee dressed like a dragon. Ve vere very fetching. Cleefford even drew a passable owl in a contest, but Ee am no zo good at drawing zo my owl looked like a zad and 'arried buzzard. Ve 'ad great fun vit te mad-libs and even vorked "Gilgameshes" into eet. Ve vere especailly 'elped by an 11 year old boy vho zupplied us vit vords like: Privit Drive, Hyppogryphs, Blast-Ended Screwt, and evicerating. 'E vas most 'elpful! And ten ve lined up to get our books. Unlike te last time vhere ve vaited 2.5 hours, ve got our books een 15 minutes!! And ten ve vere zo pleased, ve got pizza too! And ten ve realized tat te people ve knew vho lived on te East Coast ordered teir books trough Amazon and ve vere te FIRST people ve knew vit te book and ve vere zo excited ve vent 'ome and read te first tree chapters! Zo take tat East Coast!!!
Zo, Cleefford and Ee relized last night at te vine bar tat we were almost te last persons een te vorld to get our copies of "'Arry Potter"! Eet ees a shame, tey all should 'ave come out at te same time everywhere around te vorld!! Te only people vho got tere copies later tan us vere een Alaska and Hawaii. Tose crazy Aussies 'ad probably finished te book before ve even got eet!Vest Coast living zucked last night, despite te excellent vine.
Zo after our Ahi Tuna and vine flight ve stumbled down to te bookstore vhere tere vere zo many people dressed up like vizzards, vitches, demontors, and etc. Cleefford 'ad 'is Potter glasses on and Ee dressed like a dragon. Ve vere very fetching. Cleefford even drew a passable owl in a contest, but Ee am no zo good at drawing zo my owl looked like a zad and 'arried buzzard. Ve 'ad great fun vit te mad-libs and even vorked "Gilgameshes" into eet. Ve vere especailly 'elped by an 11 year old boy vho zupplied us vit vords like: Privit Drive, Hyppogryphs, Blast-Ended Screwt, and evicerating. 'E vas most 'elpful! And ten ve lined up to get our books. Unlike te last time vhere ve vaited 2.5 hours, ve got our books een 15 minutes!! And ten ve vere zo pleased, ve got pizza too! And ten ve realized tat te people ve knew vho lived on te East Coast ordered teir books trough Amazon and ve vere te FIRST people ve knew vit te book and ve vere zo excited ve vent 'ome and read te first tree chapters! Zo take tat East Coast!!!
Friday, July 20, 2007
Te Steak Out...
Eet ees bad enough tey are stealing te flowers, but now tey are taking te garbage cans! Ee do no know vhat te vorld ees coming to! Zo Cleefford and Ee 'ave been watching te front now for veeks. Vaiting for te teives to strike. Een my anger Ee knocked over part of te new fence so Ee 'ave re-ired Ozzy to vork eet out. 'E ees coming over Zunday to fix te problem.
Zo yesterday, Ee came 'ome from te vine bar and noticed te trash can vas gone. Ee vas no zo 'appy and Ee vent around to all te neighbors to zee vhere my trash 'ad gone. Vhen Ee returned 'ome Ee found te trash can een front of te neighbor's 'ouse. Ee vas very displeased, but apparently my treating tone vorked! Zo now, Cleefford and Ee are zitting 'ere vatching te yard, eatting our steak and 'opping ve catch te culprit before midnight. Ve 'ave to go get our 'Arry Potter books, yoo know! Otervise, ve tink tey vill take te rest of te flowers. Ve do no know vhy tey are zo crazy! Ee tink Ee need to borrow 'Arry's vand and Ee can turn tem all eento eartvorms for my garden!
Een oter news Ee 'ave rid myself of being Paris 'Ilton's sponsor. Zo Ee am back to amusing myself een oter vays. Tis mostly eenvolves vine, gambling, gardening, and being French. Unfortunately, Ee 'ave to finish shopping for birtday gifts for te family. Eet ees no going zo vell. Vhy does all my family 'ave teir birtday at te zame time?!! Eet ees terrible on te pocket book! And vhat exactly does one get for a passel of dinosaurs? Ee am a dinosaur and even Ee do no know!
Anyvay, Ee must go check on te steak. Tis steak out ees zure tasty! Eef only Ee 'ad my own grill instead of "borrowing" te neighbor's. But perhaps Ee can fix tat, next month Ruffus vill be staying vit us and eef Ee can get 'im to bring a grill, te steak out vill be going much better! "No grill, no stay!" Ee vill tell 'im!
Eet ees bad enough tey are stealing te flowers, but now tey are taking te garbage cans! Ee do no know vhat te vorld ees coming to! Zo Cleefford and Ee 'ave been watching te front now for veeks. Vaiting for te teives to strike. Een my anger Ee knocked over part of te new fence so Ee 'ave re-ired Ozzy to vork eet out. 'E ees coming over Zunday to fix te problem.
Zo yesterday, Ee came 'ome from te vine bar and noticed te trash can vas gone. Ee vas no zo 'appy and Ee vent around to all te neighbors to zee vhere my trash 'ad gone. Vhen Ee returned 'ome Ee found te trash can een front of te neighbor's 'ouse. Ee vas very displeased, but apparently my treating tone vorked! Zo now, Cleefford and Ee are zitting 'ere vatching te yard, eatting our steak and 'opping ve catch te culprit before midnight. Ve 'ave to go get our 'Arry Potter books, yoo know! Otervise, ve tink tey vill take te rest of te flowers. Ve do no know vhy tey are zo crazy! Ee tink Ee need to borrow 'Arry's vand and Ee can turn tem all eento eartvorms for my garden!
Een oter news Ee 'ave rid myself of being Paris 'Ilton's sponsor. Zo Ee am back to amusing myself een oter vays. Tis mostly eenvolves vine, gambling, gardening, and being French. Unfortunately, Ee 'ave to finish shopping for birtday gifts for te family. Eet ees no going zo vell. Vhy does all my family 'ave teir birtday at te zame time?!! Eet ees terrible on te pocket book! And vhat exactly does one get for a passel of dinosaurs? Ee am a dinosaur and even Ee do no know!
Anyvay, Ee must go check on te steak. Tis steak out ees zure tasty! Eef only Ee 'ad my own grill instead of "borrowing" te neighbor's. But perhaps Ee can fix tat, next month Ruffus vill be staying vit us and eef Ee can get 'im to bring a grill, te steak out vill be going much better! "No grill, no stay!" Ee vill tell 'im!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Ee Am No An 'Elp Line!!!
Vhat ees tis vorld coming to? Ee do no know zo much anymore. Zo tere Ee vas, zipping my vine yesterday afternoon een a cafe and te fone rings...
Me: 'Ello?
Unknown: I'm so upset, I just don't know what to do!!
Me: Paris?
Unknown: No, no, no. No one takes me seriously!
Me: Paris? Ees that yoo?
Unknown: I was well respected in New York and out here everyone treats me like I can't dance because I can't speak Viennese!
Me: Yoo mean German.
Unknown: No, I mean Viennese, the language they speak in Vienna! Besides I dance better than anyone at ODC, but everyone laughs at me!
Me: ODC? Te Orange Dinosaur Company? Vhy vould yoo need to know German for tat?
Unknown: Not German, Viennese! You know, for the Viennese Waltz! And I [sob], and I just hate this town, I so want to go back to New York where everyone knew me!
Me: Uuuhhh, oakay. Are yoo an orange dinosaur?
Unknown: No, I'm a llama!
Me: [snickering] Ten 'ow do yoo expect to dance vit the ODC? Eef yoo are a llama yoo should be dancing vit te llamas!
Unknown: I don't want to dance with the llamas, they are all purple! I hate the color purple! I want to be orange!
Me: Vhy exactly are yoo calling me? Ee am no an 'airdresser nor an 'elp line.
Unknown: You know people! You can help me!
Me: Ee am zo zorry, but Ee do no speak American zo vell, Ee only speak Canandian. Vould you like Paris 'Ilton's fone number?
Unknown: This isn't Paris?
Me: No.
Unknown: Oh...Can I get her number then?
[Click]
Ee am no exactly zure vhat just 'appened tere. Eet vas te most random ting! Anyvay, Ee ordered a plate of cheese and enjoyed te rest of te afternoon in peace. 'Ow very odd eet vas tough, very odd eendeed!
Vhat ees tis vorld coming to? Ee do no know zo much anymore. Zo tere Ee vas, zipping my vine yesterday afternoon een a cafe and te fone rings...
Me: 'Ello?
Unknown: I'm so upset, I just don't know what to do!!
Me: Paris?
Unknown: No, no, no. No one takes me seriously!
Me: Paris? Ees that yoo?
Unknown: I was well respected in New York and out here everyone treats me like I can't dance because I can't speak Viennese!
Me: Yoo mean German.
Unknown: No, I mean Viennese, the language they speak in Vienna! Besides I dance better than anyone at ODC, but everyone laughs at me!
Me: ODC? Te Orange Dinosaur Company? Vhy vould yoo need to know German for tat?
Unknown: Not German, Viennese! You know, for the Viennese Waltz! And I [sob], and I just hate this town, I so want to go back to New York where everyone knew me!
Me: Uuuhhh, oakay. Are yoo an orange dinosaur?
Unknown: No, I'm a llama!
Me: [snickering] Ten 'ow do yoo expect to dance vit the ODC? Eef yoo are a llama yoo should be dancing vit te llamas!
Unknown: I don't want to dance with the llamas, they are all purple! I hate the color purple! I want to be orange!
Me: Vhy exactly are yoo calling me? Ee am no an 'airdresser nor an 'elp line.
Unknown: You know people! You can help me!
Me: Ee am zo zorry, but Ee do no speak American zo vell, Ee only speak Canandian. Vould you like Paris 'Ilton's fone number?
Unknown: This isn't Paris?
Me: No.
Unknown: Oh...Can I get her number then?
[Click]
Ee am no exactly zure vhat just 'appened tere. Eet vas te most random ting! Anyvay, Ee ordered a plate of cheese and enjoyed te rest of te afternoon in peace. 'Ow very odd eet vas tough, very odd eendeed!
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