Tere ees Noting to Zay...

Ee am fed up! No more! Ee 'ave 'ad enough! No more eenexpensive vine! Vhat ees vit tese people zerving me tis "stuff!" Do tey know vho Ee am? Ee am Maurice! Te Maginifique! And Ee do no drink bad vine! Ee also do no eat crumby cheese eiter, but yoo know 'ow eet goes! No one 'as taste anymore! Ee need to educate the masses! Ee also do no take being bossed around vell eiter. Ee can tink of a few people vho 'ave made "Te List of Consumation" and tey are een truble...big trouble, because Ee am being dispatched on a mission...For te first time in a year. Vatch out Commando, vatch out Rocky, vatch out Terminator...Maurice ees back and 'e's taking names and biting heads. However, dear readers, as long as yoo do no vork for any libraries changing their public hours yoo 'ave noting to vorry about, unless yoo are a bike rider vho no stops at stop signs, or eef you advertise eetems for sale and ten do no have tem een te store...eef yoo make tis list ten yoo should be afraid, be very afraid!!! Brewhahaha! Ruhahahaha! Ee 'ave no felt tis good een years. Eet ees time to kick some deriere and try tat 'eadcheese! First Ee vill go zee te dentist about sharpening my teeth!

Zo..."List of Consumption" now eencludes:

1. Libraries vho change their hours
2. Terrible vine and cheese
3. Bike riders vho no stop at stop signs
4. Italian food
5. Stores vho no carry vhat tey advertise
6. Smelly people
7. People on te Muni
8. People vho arbitrarily change teir minds
9. People vho can no make a decision to save teir life or my zanity
10 People vho no communicate
11. And as always, crazy people.

Ee am Maurice and yoo should be very, very careful no to piss me off!!

ACK!!ACK!!ACK!!! And Oter Reasons Ee 'Ate "Clubs"!!!

Vat ees vit tese people? Eh? Eh? Ee vant to know, maintenant! Ooh la la, my 'ead 'urts. Tese dinosaurs are craaazy! Zo, Ee attended my FDA (Federated Dinosaurs Association) meeting a few weeks ago and te leader of te pack ees tis crazy stegasaurus named Hildegard. Ohh, she ees zo unfriendly she greeted no one, but zat een a corner vhispering vit all 'er friends as tough she 'ad zome big secret. And ten, she started te meeting by zaying, "Well, since we can't get anyone to believe in our existance any more I propose we disband, crawl in our respective holes, and give ourselves over to extinction." Vhat ees she crazy? Ee am no crawling eento no 'ole! Tey are dark and do no 'ave a feather bed, wine, or a refridgerator! And Ee am no zurrendering to extinction! Eef Ee can live trough te Ice Age, te Dark Ages, and Disco Ee can live trough anyting! Zo vhat eef people do no believe Ee am real? Eet do no matter! Crazy, crazy, crazy Hildegard! Ee could take 'er and 'er pack down een a heartbeat! Ee 'ear stegasaurus burgers are quite tasty! Ee 'eard a rumor te Armadillo, te shark, and te Alligator vere going to form teir own club: AAS. Ee vonder eef Ee qualify? Do Ee really vant to be associated with a bunch of AASes? Perhaps Ee 'ad better go talk to my Neanderthal friends at NORAD (Neanderthals Of Radicalism And Determination).

Crazy dinosaurs...

Zo, Ee time traveled. Ee vent back een time and got myself zome good beer and vent to my good friend Sir Brett of the "Dragon Dogs on a Stick." Good times. Good times. Zo, Ee now 'ave a friend, obviously vit miraculous gifts. She blind folded me and vhisked me eento te park! Vhen Ee opened my eyes Ee vas een te middle of te Renaissance and Ee 'ad totally forgotten 'ow much clevage tere 'ad been! Ee also forgot te early versions of soda pop, garlic fries, and chinese food in te Italian Renaissance. And Ee also forgot everyone vas speaking English...vait a minute...!!! Tat vas no Renaissance!! Vell, tere goes my plan for taking over te FDA. Tat crazy Hildegard and 'er crazy visions!! Grrrrr.....Ee must speak to Nanette and te Frenchies about tis. Eet ees no vise to dupe a T-Rex. Ee does no bode vell for anyone, however, eet vas a good time. Zo Nanette ees forgiven. But next time, no silly talk about time travel!

Te Case of Te Missing Sheboygan...

Zo Ee tink eet vas last veek vhen Cleeford called me up at te FlipSide to eenform me ve 'ad tickets for te Giants game. Ee zaid to 'im "Ee tought yoo zaid tat vas tomorrow?" and 'e zaid "I thought so too, but I just saw Ozzy at the beach and I asked him and he said they were for tonight!" Ee tought about eet for a minute and ten zaid "Okay, Ee vill meet yoo tere" Zo as eet vas already 5pm and te game started at 7 Ee got on Muni and headed for te park.

Eet vas a nice day. Eet vas varm, te zun vas shining, and te birds...vell tey vere tasty. As eet vas Cleeford and Ozzy vere early, but ve 'ad to vait and vait and vait for te Basilysk. "I say old chaps, what are we doing standing around when we could be getting some tasty Sheboygans?" As eef 'e vas vaiting for us! Umph! Alors, ve vent een.

Ve made te Basilysk buy our beer, which ees always circumspect. Te creature knows vine, but beer ve are never too zure of. Zo ve gave 'im our orders: 3 blacksmiths and 1 smithwicks. And ten ve all stood een line for te tasty Sheboygans. Sheboygans vit zaurkraut and onions. Only te mustard gave us issue. Te pump vould no vork zo te Basilysk took te lid off and poured eet onto te zausage. Unfortunately Cleeford got more tan 'e barganed for. Lots more. Ee tink tere vas enough spicey mustard tere to zervice 6 Sheboygans!

And zo ve all sat down. And ve tried to eat te Sheboygans, only te zausage broke through te buns and no one vas sure 'ow to get to the zausage or get te zausage to stay between te buns. Zo eet vas vhen Ozzy vas no paying attention 'is Sheboygan miraculously "flew" away and all 'e 'ad left vas te bun! Ozzy vas zo 'ungry 'e tried to look for eet on te ground to eat eet. But 'e could no find eet (vhich Ee tink vas good zince vho knows 'ow clean tat floor ees!) Ve did figure eet landed under te chair een front of 'im, but te aging 'ippo een tat chair probably ate eet despite claiming to be knowing no ting about eet. 'E vas a funny guy tat 'ippo... Zo ve all felt bad for 'ungry Ozzy, but at tat moment Barry Bonds stepped up to te plate and ve all forgot about Ozzy and 'is rumbling tummy and ve all stood up to cheer. Ve 'eld our breath and prayed to our respective dieties and vatched tat man 'it number 756 eento te stands on te oter zide of te park!

Streamers shot out of te bleachers, firevorks vent off on te barge een te vater, and tere vas much cheering, shouting, and jumping around. Ve vere zo excited ve forgot to look at Bonds run te plates 'ome! And tere vere speaches and news crews and lots of excitement. Ee can 'onestly zay tat Ee no remember te rest of te game. No one could concentrate. But Ee tink yoo deserve to know tat Ozzy did get another Sheboygan, tough for zome reason 'e no ceased to look for 'is first one, vhich ees a leetle disturbing eef yoo ask me. Ee am no zo zure vhat Ee vill do te next time 'e eenvites me over for dinner. Vill tat meat 'ave been on te floor? Only Ozzy vill truly know. And tat ees vhat scares me. Ee may be a dinosaur, but Ee do 'ave standards!

Valking te 2 x 4 to Zober...

Eet vas not like tey zerve French vine every night. Zo eet vas no zurprise Ee drank a leetle too much. First of all, Ee vas no zupposed to be tere, but zecond of all eet vas French vine night!!! Zo anyvay, after a very harried burrito at Del Taco, ve all vent to te vine bar, me and my Frenchies vhere ve listened to French music, ate French cheese, spoke French, and drank French vine. Eet vas a grand ole time Ee must zay. But eet vas vhen Ee came 'ome tat te story actually begins.

Ee came 'ome and Cleeford was all like "Maurice, you're drunk again!" and Ee vas like "Zo vhat eef Ee am? Ee can still valk a straight line!" Zo Cleeford zaid "Okay, try waking a 2 x 4!!" And zo ve vent out to te back yard and Ee attempted to valk a 2 x 4. Ee could no do eet! Ee could valk a straight line on te ground, but no on te 2 x 4! Zo, Ee am now petitioning te police to 'ave tem carry 2 x 4s in tere trunks to 'ave te drunks valk tem. Ee tink eet vould be a more good vay to catch te drunks! Ee am a classic drunk and even Ee could no do eet! Classic/chronic, Ee am still smarter tan Paris or Lindsey. Tey 'ave zo much to learn.

Een oter news, Ee 'ave started a new fashion of te red berret/crazy hats in Zan Francisco. Tese people are everyvhere copying me. Ee am zuch a trend zetter. Ee vear a 'at, now everyone vears a 'at. Ee carry a travel mug, now everyone carries a travel mug. Eet ees good to be a trend zetter! Perhaps Ee can start te "clown shoes" trend next?

And Ee got eento a fight on Muni te oter day. Zome guy vas being rude. Ee zay no one 'as te right to be rude but te French! Zo vhen 'e shoved me, Ee shoved 'im back--right up until te moment 'e got off te Muni and Ee shoved 'im out te door. Take tat yoo rude American!! Viva la France!! Vhat a complete moron. Yoo no try to be ruder tan te French. Eet no vork tat vay!

Anyvay, must get going. Ee got zome legal matters to attend to. Cleeford ees tinking of sueing a park for not letting 'im een. Eet ees racial discrimination to no admit furry four legged patrons!! Ve are very upset at tis and vant to ammend tis terrible zituation!! Cleeford 'as oter legal matters to attend to anyvay, zo ve need to get 'im a good lawyer. Zo Ee am off to te Park to look for one now. Ee should no be too 'ard eef Ee recall correctly!

'Arry Potter et Moi...

Zo, Cleefford and Ee relized last night at te vine bar tat we were almost te last persons een te vorld to get our copies of "'Arry Potter"! Eet ees a shame, tey all should 'ave come out at te same time everywhere around te vorld!! Te only people vho got tere copies later tan us vere een Alaska and Hawaii. Tose crazy Aussies 'ad probably finished te book before ve even got eet!Vest Coast living zucked last night, despite te excellent vine.

Zo after our Ahi Tuna and vine flight ve stumbled down to te bookstore vhere tere vere zo many people dressed up like vizzards, vitches, demontors, and etc. Cleefford 'ad 'is Potter glasses on and Ee dressed like a dragon. Ve vere very fetching. Cleefford even drew a passable owl in a contest, but Ee am no zo good at drawing zo my owl looked like a zad and 'arried buzzard. Ve 'ad great fun vit te mad-libs and even vorked "Gilgameshes" into eet. Ve vere especailly 'elped by an 11 year old boy vho zupplied us vit vords like: Privit Drive, Hyppogryphs, Blast-Ended Screwt, and evicerating. 'E vas most 'elpful! And ten ve lined up to get our books. Unlike te last time vhere ve vaited 2.5 hours, ve got our books een 15 minutes!! And ten ve vere zo pleased, ve got pizza too! And ten ve realized tat te people ve knew vho lived on te East Coast ordered teir books trough Amazon and ve vere te FIRST people ve knew vit te book and ve vere zo excited ve vent 'ome and read te first tree chapters! Zo take tat East Coast!!!

Te Steak Out...

Eet ees bad enough tey are stealing te flowers, but now tey are taking te garbage cans! Ee do no know vhat te vorld ees coming to! Zo Cleefford and Ee 'ave been watching te front now for veeks. Vaiting for te teives to strike. Een my anger Ee knocked over part of te new fence so Ee 'ave re-ired Ozzy to vork eet out. 'E ees coming over Zunday to fix te problem.

Zo yesterday, Ee came 'ome from te vine bar and noticed te trash can vas gone. Ee vas no zo 'appy and Ee vent around to all te neighbors to zee vhere my trash 'ad gone. Vhen Ee returned 'ome Ee found te trash can een front of te neighbor's 'ouse. Ee vas very displeased, but apparently my treating tone vorked! Zo now, Cleefford and Ee are zitting 'ere vatching te yard, eatting our steak and 'opping ve catch te culprit before midnight. Ve 'ave to go get our 'Arry Potter books, yoo know! Otervise, ve tink tey vill take te rest of te flowers. Ve do no know vhy tey are zo crazy! Ee tink Ee need to borrow 'Arry's vand and Ee can turn tem all eento eartvorms for my garden!

Een oter news Ee 'ave rid myself of being Paris 'Ilton's sponsor. Zo Ee am back to amusing myself een oter vays. Tis mostly eenvolves vine, gambling, gardening, and being French. Unfortunately, Ee 'ave to finish shopping for birtday gifts for te family. Eet ees no going zo vell. Vhy does all my family 'ave teir birtday at te zame time?!! Eet ees terrible on te pocket book! And vhat exactly does one get for a passel of dinosaurs? Ee am a dinosaur and even Ee do no know!

Anyvay, Ee must go check on te steak. Tis steak out ees zure tasty! Eef only Ee 'ad my own grill instead of "borrowing" te neighbor's. But perhaps Ee can fix tat, next month Ruffus vill be staying vit us and eef Ee can get 'im to bring a grill, te steak out vill be going much better! "No grill, no stay!" Ee vill tell 'im!

Ee Am No An 'Elp Line!!!

Vhat ees tis vorld coming to? Ee do no know zo much anymore. Zo tere Ee vas, zipping my vine yesterday afternoon een a cafe and te fone rings...

Me: 'Ello?

Unknown: I'm so upset, I just don't know what to do!!

Me: Paris?

Unknown: No, no, no. No one takes me seriously!

Me: Paris? Ees that yoo?

Unknown: I was well respected in New York and out here everyone treats me like I can't dance because I can't speak Viennese!

Me: Yoo mean German.

Unknown: No, I mean Viennese, the language they speak in Vienna! Besides I dance better than anyone at ODC, but everyone laughs at me!

Me: ODC? Te Orange Dinosaur Company? Vhy vould yoo need to know German for tat?

Unknown: Not German, Viennese! You know, for the Viennese Waltz! And I [sob], and I just hate this town, I so want to go back to New York where everyone knew me!

Me: Uuuhhh, oakay. Are yoo an orange dinosaur?

Unknown: No, I'm a llama!

Me: [snickering] Ten 'ow do yoo expect to dance vit the ODC? Eef yoo are a llama yoo should be dancing vit te llamas!

Unknown: I don't want to dance with the llamas, they are all purple! I hate the color purple! I want to be orange!

Me: Vhy exactly are yoo calling me? Ee am no an 'airdresser nor an 'elp line.

Unknown: You know people! You can help me!

Me: Ee am zo zorry, but Ee do no speak American zo vell, Ee only speak Canandian. Vould you like Paris 'Ilton's fone number?

Unknown: This isn't Paris?

Me: No.

Unknown: Oh...Can I get her number then?

[Click]

Ee am no exactly zure vhat just 'appened tere. Eet vas te most random ting! Anyvay, Ee ordered a plate of cheese and enjoyed te rest of te afternoon in peace. 'Ow very odd eet vas tough, very odd eendeed!

'Ello? Mr. Police Officer?...

Okay, Ee am no zo 'appy as of late. Vhat ees vit tis neighborhood? Ee am no zo zure vhy anyone vanted to steal my recycling bin, but now tey 'ave stolen a flower out of my yard. Oui! Ee know eet! Vho valks by my yard and tinks "ooh, how lovely, a yellow snapdragon. I think I'll take it home...roots and all!" Vhat te *&%^!! Tey took the vhole flower. Tey dug it up and ten, tey overturned another because...eet vas fun? Vhat the holy bleeping bleep of a bleeping bleepidy bleep bleep bleep!!! Vhat ees vrong vit tese people?!!! Ee can no report tem stolen because Ee tried. Te conversation vent like zo:


Me: Ello? Ee vould like to speak to zomeone about a teft.

Police: Okay, what is the nature of the theft?

Me: Zomeone stole a flower from my yard.

Police: A flower? You mean a singe piece of vegitation?

Me: Oui! Tey dug eet up, roots and all!

Police: I'm sorry, but we don't do that sort of thing.

Me: Vhat zort of ting? Zomebody stole a flower out of my yard!!

Police: So, what would you estimate the price of the flower to be?

Me: Te flower vas um, vell Ee do no know. $2.00 maybe? And te labor of planting eet vas like um $3.00

Police: Yes, well we aren't going to go out looking for a $5.00 plant when we have other more pressing matters like homicide to attend too.

Me: But vait! Ee vould like to report an 'omicide too!!

Police: You have a homicide to report?

Me: Oui! Zomebody killed a flower in my yard. Tey dug eet up and turned eet over to die!

Police: I'm sorry sir, but that is not a homicide.

Me: Oui, eet ees!

Police: We only investigate human murders, not plant murders.

Me: Yoo racist! How dare yoo insinuate a plant do no 'ave te zame rights as a 'uman. Vhat ees vit yoo people?

Police: Sir, I'm hanging up the phone now. Please do not call again.


Zo, Ee am taking matters eento my own paws! Ee vill 'unt down te murdering teif and Ee vill make 'im buy me new plants and ten Ee vill toss tem eento my NEW recycling bin and dump tem eento te ocean...Brewhahahaha! Brewhahahah! Okay, actually Ee vill just rip tere head off after tey plant my new flower. Ee am zo distressed! Ee need a glass of vine...MAINTENANT!!!

Fater's Day...

Zo as yoo may vell remember Ee 'ave 137 children. Tey are all ages, zo Vater's Day ees a big deal to me. Zo Ee vill be posting from France as Ee am 'aving a grand fete at the chateau. Ee 'ave no been to te chateau for zome time, mostly because everytime Ee go Babette zays tings like:"Oh Maurice, te kitchen ees crumbling again, vould yoo fix eet? And te grass 'as completely over taken te bedroom again, Ee told yoo Ee vanted just lavender een tere! And vould yoo speak to te pidgeons again, tey are only renting te tower, not te tower and te vest ving! And te owl 'as got to be evicted vit all 'is late night parties vit te racoons. Ee don't know vhat Ee vould do vitout good tennents like te foxes. Have yoo seen any of our eggs? Ee sweare eet ees like tey just valked off or zomething!" And te list continues. 'Owever, ve vorked eet out long ago tat each of my children get me te vine tey are named after for fater's day. Eet 'as vorked out very vell een my favor indeed!

Te last few veeks 'ave been less tan interesting. Nessy ees apparently going to zome crazy vine weekend een New York. Ee did not even know tey had vine tere. Eet vas very surprising, but Nessy knows tis nice lake vit a paddle boat and she plans to go and 'ave a good time scaring drunks late at night. Both te Basilysk and Chuck, Nessy's 'usband, zaid to let 'er go and 'ave 'er veekend vit te girls, ve vere going to be men and go off to te voods and drink beer instead. Ee am no zo zure about tis. Neither te Basilysk nor Chuck are really te camping zort. Ee am no te camping zort, nor do Ee trust te Basilysk to pick out good beer. Ee vill drink anyting zo long as eet tastes good, but Ee am quite certain te last time Ee zaw te Basilysk drink beer eet vas about tree centuries ago. Ee do no tink 'e knows vhat 'e ees doing, especially as beer 'as changed zo much.

Kleeford ees still plugging avay at 'is translation of St. Sabastian of te Flowering Log. Eet ees very difficult for him yoo know vit the tiny legs and te big paws. Tey just do no make pencils for dachshunds. Zo te process ees slow going. 'E mostly dictates 'is stuff onto te computer, but te computer ees no zo vorking good. Eet must be very tough 'aving zo short legs...oh vait, zo do Ee. But at least Ee 'ave nails....

No fone calls from Paris. Jail ees a vonderful ting, zo long as Ee am no in it! Zo tis morning Ee vas at te dump vit te seagulls--tey invited me for breakfast. Eet vas very nice, but Ee vould rater 'ave no 'ave 'ad to pick out my food like zo. But again, eet vas very nice of tem. One should always 'ave breakfast by te beach, eet makes te food more....savory....Anyvay, Ee must be going. Ee 'ave a plane to catch or um, a p-terodactyl zince Ee am no longer allowed at te regular airport anymore!

Take Yoor Dinosaur to Vork Day...

Zince Cleeford got to go Ee demanded my day too! Zo 'ere ees vhat 'appened:

Ee got to ride te muni downtown and eet vas very slow because tey zaid te cars vere zo 'eavy vit all te extra veight (too many donut shops een tis city eef yoo ask me! All tose people need to go on a diet!). Tey apparently 'ave no laws against dinosaurs riding muni like tey 'ave for dogs zo long as ve fit on top of te train zo ve did no take my tank to vork--besides parking te tank downtown ees no zo easy. Ee tink tey should let te dogs ride all te time and no let zo many crazy old men ride te muni, one man growled at Zamanta vhen she accidently knocked eento 'im and Ee got to rip 'is 'ead off. Eet really made my morning! However, vhen ve got to vork Ee 'ad to valk up te stairs because te elevator ees old and vould no support me and Zamanta (Ee tink she ate too many potatoes in Idaho. Ee told 'er not to, but did she listen...oh no she did no!) Zo ve hiked up to te fourth floor and ten Ee passed out--eet vas a very long climb Ee vill 'ave yoo know. Ve vere late tis morning and zo ve did no 'ave to turn off te alarm. Zo Ee took a nap een te library until a school group came in and vanted 'elp. Zo Ee told Zamanta Ee vould help tem. Te teacher vas annoying and failed to understand about te rules--Ee know, Ee am archivist for a day and Ee am zuddenly all about rules! Zo Ee dragged te voman to te desk and Ee took avay her bag and made 'er and 'er students sign in. And ten vhenever tey asked me for books Ee gave tem te evil eye and zaid "Puppets! Yoo vant Asian puppets? Vhat vrong vit te French kind? Yoo no like te French puppets? Vhy no?!" and tey vould quake and te snot vould come out of tere noses and eet vas great fun! Ee even got a bag o' twinkies for pushing tem out of te library from te head librarian. She eiter likes me or vas afraid of me, Ee am no zo zure. Ten Ee vas zent to Valgreens vhen zome oter people came een and Ee loaded up on snacks and brought tem back for all to zee. And Ee ate tem vhile Ee vatched Butoh videos, but Ee vas very careful to no spill any crumbs. And ten zomeone turned on te opera music and Ee fell asleep and Ee did no archiving, except Ee drooled on zome circus stuff vhen Ee fell asleep, but eet vas okay, eet vas only duplicate material and vas to be recycled anyvay. Zo ten ve vent 'ome and zomeone stole our recycling bin tere and Cleeford and Ee vent around te neighborhood threating our neighbors, but no one 'ad zeen our bin. Vhich vas zad zince ve 'ad recycling to toss. And ten Paris called me again and Ee vill no go eento tat, because Ee am still too upset to talk about eet! Besides eet 'as noting to do vit archiving and tat ees vhat tis post ees about!

Finis.

What I Learned by Going to Work With Mom, by Clifford...

First of all, I have to say that it was a bum deal going to pet camp. I mean, would it have killed anyone to take me with them to Idaho? Idaho! I'm perfect for Idaho; I love potatoes! And I love everything that goes with them--mostly meat. Anyway, I digress. So Mom took me downtown, away from that awful pet camp place that serves really bad doggy beer and kosher hot dogs, and I had to get into that really tiny, dark pet carrier because--I'm not really sure why, but I did and it wasn't pleasant no matter which direction I turned in! So we went into this big, big building and got into this big metal box with doors that slid shut and it started dinging and we went up and up and up and up and FINally we got out and then we had to open this other door and it was dark and the noise went beep beep beep and Mom put me down on the desk in my carrier and LEFT ME THERE while she made more noise and then walked AWAY and turned on some lights and then she set up the kennel and then tossed me in. Okay, she didn't toss me in, but the rest of that is totally true! But I got her, I barked at EVERYONE who came within 3 feet of my kennel. Ha! Take that!! Anyway, we had lunch in the sunshine. That was new. The lunch outdoors, the sun actually does shine. And we went to the park with the smelly folk and some lady told me my Mom and I had the same hair, especially the way it blows in the wind, and then I felt proud, because that's just cool. And then we came back and Mom put a drape over my kennel and I couldn't see anything and I was real quiet and good unless a loud person went by. Then a dachshund happy person came by and wanted to play, so Mom let me out and everyone played with me and it was fun until Mom handed me to this woman who smelled like mean cat and that was so not cool. But everyone was nice and I attended an important meeting and then I helped Mom archive. This involved us sitting at a table looking at circus stuff and Mom getting a headache. So I helped and then I helped myself down and I helped photocopy and then we took a water break and I followed Mom to the giant cooler and back and then I did my trick for people and then I went around and played with people until I got trapped in some woman's office and I cried and cried and I could only get my nose free and no one cared and it was sad until Mom saved me and we went to go work at the computer and I answered e-mails and stuff and then Dad called and he came to get us and I just don't understand why I can't go EVERYDAY! It would be so cool eatting lunch with Mom in the smelly park, with the smelly people, and archiving. I can so be an archivist. It's totally cool. This was my second library visit and I have to say this library is way cooler than the last one. I really enjoyed checking out the books. At the previous library I got locked in an office and didn't get to explore the place at all. It was very disappointing and I went home and gnawed a book on mammals in my fustration. This time I went home and ate a Dingo bone. Happy me!
The End.

Tese Fone Calls Vill No Stop!!!

Eet ees no like Ee zaid yes to te sponsorship ting. Ee merely zaid "uhhhh..." and te judge took tat to be a yes? Mon Dieu! Zo anyvay, Ee vas out late last night playing Trivia Pursuit vit Cleeford and Ziera te German Shepherd vhen Ee got tis phone call from tis crazy person. Te conversation vent as follows:

Me: 'Ello?
Paris: Hi, like so Maurice, I just want to like so tell you thanks for like being my sponsor and all and like I'm so totally glad like you are so willing, because like no one would like take me, because like, I don't know, but I just am like so grateful, because I really don't want to do like hard time like, you know?
Me: Know vhat? Vhat? Vho ees tis?
Paris: Like it's so me, you know, Paris, and like I am such a big fan by the way. That berret thing you have going on is like so hot.
Me: Paris? Oh, oui, Paris 'ilton. 'Ow did yoo get tis number and vhy are you calling me?
Paris: So like the judge gave me your number and said I should call it any time I like so vanted to drink and like drive or like anytime I felt like I was about to make a decision.
Me: Ee zee and yoo vant a drink?
Paris: No, I just so like need somebody to go pick me up a slurpie and some nachos at 7/11.

Zo Ee looked at Cleeford and Ee looked at Zierra and Ee looked at te fone and ten Ee screemed eento te fone and told 'er not to call me again. Ten Ee lost Trivia Pursuit to Zierra, and Cleeford and Ee hopped eento 'is mini, and ve vent 'ome vhere Ee found many messages from Paris on my answering machine. Zo Ee listened to only every other vord because eet zeemed Ee might understand vhat she zays better and tis ees vhat Ee 'eard: like so like hot my like so totally and the my like totally like hot like like nachoes like me. Zo Ee do no know exactly vhat she vas trying to convey, eet still made no zense. Ee do no actually care though. Ee am a T-Rex. T-Rex's do no go fetch slurpies and nachos for anyone, even eef eet does zound good at te time!

Ee know Ee promised yoo all Cleefords' translation of te Adventure of Saint Sabastian of the Flowering Log, but eet vill 'ave to vait. Ee am tired of answering te phone and Ozzy 'as gone off to te pub and Ee tink eet ees time Ee joined 'im. Ee vill no be taking my cell fone, but tat ees okay because Paris used up all te battery life. My fone ees morte and tat ees te vay Ee like eet!

Sponsoring Paris Hilton...

Ee know. Vhat did Ee do to deserve tis? One moment Ee am free and clear and te next te judge calls me up and zays: "Maurice, we'd really like you to be Paris Hilton's sponsor until she goes to jail" Eet ees official, my life zucks! Ee do no vant Paris Hilton. Ee do no vant to be a sponsor. 'Ave tey looked at my record? 'Ave tey noticed Ee am not in AA? Vhat ees te vorld coming to. Ee tink Ee need a drink.

Perhaps eet vas only a joke, n'est ce pas? Eef Ee 'ave to sponsor tat girl first ting ve are doing ees going to get her some zense for fashion, food, drinking, dogs, yoo name eet, ve are going to re-vrite te vhole brain! Ee still tink Ee should just 'ave 'er for dinner, only Ee do no tink she vould go very far...

Een oter news, my paper at te Medieval Congress vent vell. Eet vas received very vell especially after Ee flashed tem my shiney teeth. Tere vas much drinking, much socialization, and much 'ummus consumed. Yoo all should 'ave been tere! Ee did zo vell Ee am going to start vorking on my paper for next year...but eet ees a secret, Ee vould no vant Lowly Worm to get a 'old of eet since 'e ees far too interested in my area of research zuddenly. Absolutely no originallity een 'is brain at all. Perhaps 'e vould be a good match for Paris Hilton? Ee vas disappointed Buttercup slimmed down. Eet makes 'is name less appropriate, but good for 'im never the less. Michael Bolton vas tere, though 'e zeemed far too ordinary to be of any fun tis year, and Ee missed zome of te oter "special" characters. All in all, tere vas my paper/rant on Chaucer, and zome drinking, and Ee slept, and Ee ate an anoying troll vit a pager in te library because...eet ees a long story and Ee vill no go into eet now, and Ee ate zeveral cell phones tat vould no stop annoying me at 6:40 am and every 10 minutes tere after for 50 minutes--Ee need my beauty sleep yoo know, and ten Ee bit te 'ead off te man een te zeat een front of me on te air plane last night for being a moron and no knowing to put 'is zeatback forward vhen ve landed. Grrrr....but 'e no taste like buffalo vings, zo Ee vas disappointed yet again.

Zo Cleeford picked me up at te airport. 'E vas very excited, zo excited 'e jumped into my arms and urinated all over me. Tat's friendship eef ever Ee knew eet! Ee am marked for life. Ten 'e drove me 'ome. Picture tat eef yoo vill. Cleeford drove me home. Ee 'ad to ride on te top of te vehicle, because my girth no fit een te mini coop. Ee vas no entirely certain ve vould get out of te lot alive, much less home, but ve did. He ees a very talented dachshund Ee tell yoo, very talented indeed. Een fact next year ve might give a paper together at te Congress, 'e 'as discovered a lost Dachshundian papyrus relating te tale of King Arthur, te dragon Morris, and zaint Zabastian of te Flowering Log called "King Arthur and the Dachshunds of Ys." Ee vill relate eet to yoo another time. Ee must go now and eat my mid afternoon snack...tat politician tere looks very tasty...perhaps 'e vill taste like buffalo vings!

Cino de Mayo...

Ee am zure yoo tink tis ees all aboot drinking. Eet ees not. Or Ee should zay not yet...Anyvay, Ee 'ave been very busy, yoo know, vriting my memoirs, going to court, 'aving lunch vit te mayor. Eet 'as all been good. Anyvay, Ee am now geering up for tat crazy medieval congress. Zomebody must stop all te Chaucerians from producing more merde! Ee 'ave 'ad eet vit tem. Tey all tink Chaucer vas tis vonderful author. Vell, Ee know te truth, 'e stole all my eedeas!! Oh Oui! Te Parlement of Fowls, Te Cantebury Tales, Te Romance of Te Rose..all mine!! Yoo 'eard me!! Though Ee vill admit, Troilus and Cresede vas NOT mine. Zo tere Ee vas one night drinking zome vine, eatting a leg bone of a tax collector vhen tis drunk came up and asked to use my fire. Ee vas full, zo Ee zaid yes. And ten 'e asked me to tell 'im a story zince 'e vas in debit and vas looking to get out. Zo Ee gave him one, and ten another, and another, and now 'e's famous. Tat could be me eef Ee could 'ave 'eld a quill! Zo Ee am going to te Medieval Congress to give my paper: "Chaucer vas a fake; or why tat toad could no 'ave written 'is vay out of a barrel of vine" Eet ees a very good paper too, eef Ee do zay zo myself.

Court vent vell. Ee am now 1 zize smaller, Ee 'ave a zuit, and cleen shiney teeth. Eet zeems no one actually "missed" te ticket taker zo Ee vas seen as an "outstanding citizen" and paid a $5 fine. 'Owever, zince Muni trains 'ave been obnoxiously bad of late Ee did get very angry one night and tossed a tanker truck eento a piller on te 'ighway in Oakland. Vell, eef tey vere no going to fix te train problem, Ee 'ad to create another problem zo tey would add more trains. Eet all vorked out for me. Ee know many who congradulated me. Ee even got a medal of 'onor from te N Judah drivers union. Ve still 'ave no taken care of te vhole problem, but ve are still vorking on eet.

Ee am also no longer een te cast of "Legally Blonde". Te original girl got better. Ee knew eet vas only temporary anyvay. Ee now 'ave a job vith George Lucas. 'E originally told me tey needed no live dinosaurs zince tey vere zo good vit light and magic yoo know, but Ee zaid: "Oui, but Ee could eat yoo after Ee place a call to te DinoUnion." And yoo know, he zaid: "You're hired!" Oh 'ow Ee love te DinoUnion. Ve 'ave been trying to get a live dinosaur eento tat place for years. Incidently, eet vas Pino Noir vho vas te model for "Meet te Robinsons" and Ee am very proud of that boy!!

Much to do today. Zo no more vasting time reading my dinoblog! Ee do not celebrate Cinco de Mayo. 'Ow could Ee? 'Ow could Ee celebrate te downfall of Napoleon een Mexico? Ee tink Ee vill play zome dino opera tonight and drink zome very nice vine to celebrate te man. Eef 'e 'ad zucceeded te vhole vorld vould be speaking french...vhat a beautiful tought!

Eet 'As Been a Long Time, N'est Pas?

Zo, alors, yoo zee Ee 'ave been very busy. Ee 'ave 'ad no time to vrite to my friends, my family, te Easter Bunny, nor on tis blog. Eet 'as been very trying vhat vit all the "Dinosaur Makeover" Ee 'ave been undergoing. Eet ees difficult to find clothes my size een tis city. Today, Ee am sporting a fetching berret, a striped cravat, and florescent green snow pants. Eet ees cold. Zo cold te Easter Bunny called me from 'is 'ome in Kentucky last night. Te coversation vent as follows:

EB Maurice? Maurice? Can you hear me?
Me Vhat? Vho ees tis? Vhat do yoo vant? Ee am very busy vatching the Giants play the Dodgers--Yoo tere, stop kicking my zeat or Ee vill eat your sheboygan dog!!
EB Maurice? It's me, Edgar Bonapascal.
Me Edgar Bonapascal? Ee know no Edgar Bonapascal. Ee 'ave never 'eard of yoo...'Ow did yoo get tis number?
EB Shhhhh! That's my code name.
Me Code name?
EB Oh for crying out loud, Maurice! It's the Easter Bunny!!

And ten 'e 'ung up. Ee am still confused vhy 'e called.

Zo Ee vent to te dentist. Ee still 'ave all my teeth, but tey cleaned tem. Tey are very sparkly and shine nicely in te moonlight. Ee also vent to a spa and 'ad all my nails done. Tey are very clean as vell. My trial ees coming up zoon and Ee must look goood! Ee am still 'aving issue vith Men's Warehouse. Tey just do no make suits een my zize no matter vhat tat zilly man on t.v. zays. Ee vould like te vay Ee looked eef tey 'ad te zuit, but tey do no 'ave te zuit zo Ee can no zee 'ow Ee look! Yoo get te picture? Nor can Ee find descent shoes! Ee tink Ee vill 'ave to resort to taking a quick trip to Hong Kong and pay for a custom made zuit. Ee 'ave zome money zaved up een te back yard vhere only Ee know vhere eet ees. Vait, Ee tought Ee knew vhere eet vas. Eef eet ees no tere, ten eet ees een te oter place, and eef eet ees no tere ten Ee left eet een te oter zecret zecret place, and eef no tere ten Ee do no know vhere Ee put eet and Ee vill 'ave to rent a bobcat. Ees tat te same as a cougar or a mountain lion? Ee do no know. Ee 'ave already got one tough, my lawyer. Ee vonder eef 'e does double duty?

Vhen te 'Angover Cleared...

Zo eet vas me and te Kelpie on St. Patrick's Day. Ee zaid to te Kelpie "Vhat vill ve do to celebrate zuch an 'onorable zaint" and te Kelpie zaid "Let's go have sushi" and tere yoo 'ave eet. Ee celebrated St. Patrick by 'aving zome zushi, lots of zushi een fact. To be fair Ee did go to A Irish bar, but eet vas only long enough to drink one keg of beer. 'Owever, eet should be mentioned tat tere vas much zake drunk and ve terrorized zeveral people on 9th Ave by chasing tem eento te Park. Eet vas great fun. Ee tink ve vill 'ave to try eet more often. Ee just love te look on all teir faces as ve growled and bared our teeth! Ahhh...eef only Ee could do zo more often, but te Kelpie ees zort of antisocial. Ee do no know vhy. Ee 'ave tried to get 'im to go out, but 'e always zays no. Zome 'orses are just too 'ard to change.

Anyvay, Ee voke up Monday morning remembering Ee 'ad to go to court...Again...because Ee ate te ticket zeller a few weeks ago. Ee vas no zo 'appy. Te Kelpie zaid 'e 'ad a lawyer ('e vas eenvolved een a legal dispute vit te Park a few years ago, tey vanted to fill een 'is 'ome and 'e did no vant to move). Zo ve vent to 'is lawyer Melvin "Crazy Cat" Cougar. Mel 'as been living een te Park for years and nobody eemportant 'as noticed 'im yet, tough Ee tink 'e vould eat anyone vho vould try to boot 'im out anyvay. Zo Mel 'as decided to take my case. Ee 'ave been assured tat eet ees no zo bad and ee vill probably only 'ave zome community zervice to do...like taking care of babies, visiting te elderly, feeding zoup to te 'omeless. All tis Ee can do. Ee just 'ave to remember no to eat anyone eef Ee am zo eenclined. 'E also zays Ee must look friendly, eat less meat, and visit te dentist before te trial. Ee zaid Ee no 'ave a dentist and 'e just looked me een te eye and zaid "find one" een a quiet, but treatening tone. Zo eef anyone can recommend a dentist vho ees no zo afraid of a T-Rex Ee am interviewing dentists now. Next veek Ee go zhopping for zome new clothes for court. Mel zaid tey must take me seriously, but also to look "vhimsicle" Ee tink tat means Ee need "fun" socks vit dachshunds on tem, n'est pas?

And te Par-Tay Continued...

Zo, in 'onor of Zaint David Ee and my new friends te Velsh Dragons vent to Durty Nelly's for beer and zome shepherd's pie Friday night (eet vas not zadly filled vit real shepherds, very disappointing Ee know). 'Onestly, ve could no return to Dylans as ve 'ad accidently trashed te place playing "Pin te Dragon on te Keg" and zomeone, Ee vill no zay vho, burnt te vhole place down. Ee 'ave te commemorative brick on my mantle and eet ees slightly melted een a Dali zort of vay. Anyvay, eet vas good times. After te pub, ve vent down to te beach and played "Vho Can Belch te Loudest" (Ee am te proud vinner Ee vant yoo to know) and ten ve all passed out. Tose are te best dragon friends Ee ever met. Zo to continue Zaint David's Day zome more ve vent out to Egyptian on Saturday to celebrate. Tere vas much lamb (oh tose elusive shepherds...) and dancing and Ee learned how to roll my stomach from te half naked dancer and 'ad many new drinks and 'ad to sleep eet off een te park vit Ozzy zince Ee could no make eet home. Te next day Ee vent to te Russian River vit the dragons for Zaint David's Day and ve vent Barrel tasting. Now, tat's my kind of fun. Tere vas food, tere vas vine, tere vas zunshine...Eet vas a glorious vay to end the Zaint David's Day Fest 2007. I can no vait until Zaint Patrick's Day!! Ee vonder 'ow long ve can keep tat one going? Zad ting ees Ee got 'ome and Ee 'ad received my summons for court for eatting tat ticket agent vit Nessy. She got one too. Ee told 'er ve should 'ire Diamond Dave, but 'e's an Arizona laywer zo ve are back to square one. Ah at least Ee 'ave te memories of Zaint David's Days!

Oy Vhat a Night!

Okay, ve all know Ee am no zo good vit limitations and Ee am afraid last night vas no exception. Eet ees terrible Ee know. Vell tere ve vere, me and te Velsh Dragons at Dylan's Pub all cozy and vhat not and ten zomeone started een vit the vhole zing-along ting, yoo know like te Velsh always do on Zt. David's Day. Zo after zeveral kegs of Double Dragon and zome Ztrong Bow ve vere pretty much on our vay to 'aving to sleep een te pub. Tat vas vhen zomeone started to zing "Oes Gafr Eto" and by te time ve got to te pink goat een te zong ve vere a stompin' our feets and te building vas a shakin' and te vhole Bay area 'ad anoter eartquake on eets hands. Ee must admit Ee vas relieved eet vas only a 4.2. Ee may be a consumate drunk, but Ee am not for total mass destruction, unless Ee get zome dinner out of eet. Ee 'onestly do no remember much of te rest of te evening. After te eartquake tere vas zometing about a showdown vit a muni car een te Castro tunnel, vhich might explain vhy Ee 'ave all tese cuts and bruises. Vell, do no be zo zuprised, eet vas looking at me all funny like. Ee do remember zaying "Are yoo lookin' at me? Are yoo lookin' at me yoo big muni car?" And Eet just stared at me, zo Ee took tat as an invitation for a fight. Ee know, Ee know. Eet ees a muni car, vhat's eet going to do? Honk? Eet did, but only after Ee attacked. Tere vere zirens, but ve did no stay long to find out eef tey vere for me. Ee voke up tis morning an old battery at te beach, but te zun vas shining zo vit any luck eet vill be a good day as zoon as Ee get over my 'angover.

'Appy Zaint David's Day!

Ee know vhat yoo are tinking. Ee am French, vhy vould Ee be eenterested in Zaint David. Vell! Yoo should zee vhat 'as been vritten about me een te distant past of my youth. Ee once vas known for trowing te best parties een te vorld. Ten Ee got old, married, and 'ad zeveral children. Eet 'appens yoo know. Zo 'ere eet ees...

Dewi the Dragon

Dewi the dragon was flying back home
when he came across a stray garden gnome.
The gnome he was eating, the gnome he was drinking,
he was just settling in to his gnome picnic feast.
So Dewi the dragon, he swooped from the sky,
dove to the earth, and plopped down beside.
"Oh gnome, I dare say, you have plenty to eat,
how about giving this dragon a treat?"
"Oh dragon you'll eat me. I've heard of your kind.
Here take all of my beer, take all of my wine!"
"Today is a feast day--no gnome meals allowed.
See I've brought my own cheese, now let's invite that cow."
"Uh huh" said the cow, who was wiser than that,
"I'll stay just right here and keep chewing the fat!"
The dragon he sighed, and flew into the sky,
shedding big dragon tears as he started to fly.
"It's true that I eat them, but today's a special day.
So I'll find me some leeks and be on my way."
And lo past the river he spied some of his leeks
and he settled on down for his St. David's Day feast.
"Excuse me," said a dragon landing by his side,
"do you mind if I eat and with you here abide?"
"Not at all" said young Dewi "I just got blown off by a gnome,
impeccably bad manners, but tasty to the bone!"
"Oh I know," said the dragon, whose name was Dear Trixie,
"such vile creatures, but they do taste like whiskey!"
"Are you feasting today?" She asked cheerily,
"I'm on my way to a fete and I needed some leeks."
Then Dewi exclaimed "You too must be going to the Venerable Maurice's,
he's wicked, he's wacky, but he's a fun loving creature!"
So off they flew that Dewi and Trixie,
off to Maurice's that said par-tay fixer.
The party was grand, beer poured from the fountain
and the cheese was piled up as high as a mountain.
Maurice he came over and greeted his guests,
and he listed with care to Dewi's tale of distress.
Then he sighed, rolled his eyes,
and had these words to say:
"Tat ees okay, today ve 'ave cheese, ve 'ave leeks, and zome beer,
but tomorrow ve are free to 'ave gnome and steak, zo be cheered!"
Then they all laughed for they knew it was true,
he'd hunt down that gnome and that crazy cow too!"

'Appy Birtday Cleeford!

Ee took zome time off tis weekend from my busy schedule to celebrate Cleeford's birtday. Eet vas fabulous eef Ee do zay zo myself! First ve vent to te most expensive steak house een town. Eet vas on Van Ness Ave (named for Nessy's Flemish cousin Van). Eet vas quite an experience. First ve 'ad zome sparkling vater, ten ve 'ad zome Coppela vine, ten ve ordered the ahi tuna followed by te steak vit te blue cheese, and ve 'ad some baked potato. Eet vas very tasty and even tough our vaiter vas terrified of us once ve told 'im vho Ee vas 'e vas more interested een helping us. Ten ve vent vit Nessy on a tour of te Bay and caught zome jazz een Oakland. Eet vas a pleasant evening. For 'is birtday Cleeford got a giant bone, zome pig ears, a rope piggy, and a squeeky squirrel vit a fluffy tail. 'E vas quite happy.

Een oter news Ee 'ave been looking for a new 'ome. Ee tink 'Earst Castle vould zuffice, but eet ees zo far away from everyting. Tough tere ees plenty of steak out tere, eet ees miles away from all my friends...tough Ee tink te indoor pool might be worth eet. Ee am also looking into Pacific Heights neighborhood. Now tere ees zome zizable 'ouses. Makes Zamanta's 'ouse look like a lean-too. Ee tink tey are better tan the 'ouses een Sea Cliff.

Ee am zorry to zay, Ee am responsible for te eartquake last week. Ee vas very angry and een my anger management class Ee 'ave to admit vhen Ee 'ave trown a tantrum. Ee vas very upset tat tey 'ad no more tickets to the Reduced Shakespeare Company's production of the History of America Ee vanted to take Cleeford for 'is birtday, but tey did not 'ave enough tickets and Ee trew a 'issy fit. Nessy vas tere and she vas no 'appy eiter, vhich ees vhy eet vas a 3.4, ve vere both 'oppin' mad. Anyway, tere ees one less ticket agent een te vorld today. Zo again Ee 'ave to go to court, because Ee made a "faux pas" or as Cleeford zometime zays a "fox pass". 'E ees zo uncouth for 'aving a PhD in Ancient Dachshundian Literature, 'is canine jokes do not amuse me at all. Ee, incidently, gave 'im French lessons for 'is birtday, but 'e did not zeem very excited about eet at all. Ee vonder vhy?

'Ob Nobbing Vit Te Ztars...

Eet 'as been zo long zince last Ee 'ad time to post zometing original. All Ee can zay ees tat Ee am now a ztar in Zan Francisco. Eet ees FABulous, dahhhling. Zimply FabUlous! Ee eat out all te time. Ee eat a lot of lobster, zushi, and anyting vit cheese. Ee like te margaritas, the martinis, and of course te vine. 'Ow could Ee 'ave forgotten te vine? Oh mon Dieu! Eef only Ee 'ad realized my true calling vas acting Ee could have been Famous much zooner. Vell, obviously tings are going vell.

Ee and my co-star, Margarite te Chiauaua, 'ave been 'aving a blast out every night until 4 am, dining and drinking till dawn. Eet 'as been zo much fun to 'ave a friend who understands me. Ee zhould 'ave taken up vit te Mexicans years ago! Tonight ve are going out for French, Ee know eet vill be good. Eet vill be French! AAaahh, 'ow Ee love tis city!!

On Monday, Ee am off to look for a new place to live. Perhaps a mansion. Perhaps an armory. Perhaps Ee vill take over Sausalito!! Aaahh, te choices. Eet ees fabulous being rich. Ee 'ad forgotten vhat eet ees like! Perhaps Ee vill spend zome time on Ebay...Ee always vanted Elton John's rhinestone studded glasses....

Society Page: Legally Blonde Gala Event a Smash!

San Francisco, Ca. Opening night of the new musical Legally Blonde had an attendence most directors would have had nightmares over. The evening started with the arrival of the Basilysk, looking dapper in his tuxedo and top hat. "Of course I came to support my good friend Maurice, just because his children are going vegan doesn't mean I can't celebrate his success!" Also in attendence was The Loch Ness Monster, Nessy, in a Chistian Deor original. "Honestly lad, It's about time someONE created a positive role for dinosaurs. Congradulations to Maurice for being the first one to pull it off!" Nessy was accompanied by her new fiance "The Worm" formerly known as the-dragon-that-got-slew-by-Beowulf looking buff in his new designer "hood" gear. "Maurice? Good for him I say. I'm tired of being portrayed as "bad," what do I look like Michael Jackson or something? Really, just because I made some deal with that scrawny Wiglaf guy--who incidently nearly bled me dry with all the "Chuck, listen, if you don't pay me others will come and kill you" crap..." Nessy proceeded to interupt her darling with a "Chuck dear, it was 1200 years ago. Let it go. Remember what Dr. Faustus said: "Breathe in, breathe out, and don't spit fire..." Everyone from the Giant Squid Earle, looking stunning in his diamond studded rapper suit, to the famous Sled Dachshunds, in their Eiko "flower" originals, attended the event. "Of course we're here! We wouldn't miss an opprotunity to watch Maurice become self sufficent, would you?" Attending with the dachshunds was Captain Swiffer the Cat, also in an Eiko orignal looking like a daffodil. He seemed rather absent minded and thought he was attending a horror moving screening, which wasn't really all that surprising considering the company he was in. "Sometimes" lead dachshund Hoover Windtunnel said in his red tulip Eiko, "he thinks he's being knighted by the Queen despite the fact he's American." Regina Carpet Sweeper, dressed as an Eiko daisy, insisted "He really is good at navigation...he always helps us land on our feet in the Artic, we don't know what we'd do without him." "It was that winter he spent with the polar bears I tell you" reported Oreck, looking like a talking sunflower. "Indeed" muttered all the dachshunds in all their flora. Conspicuouly absent was THE BLOB, who is in Japan this week celebrating the annual Blob Marathon. When told of the musical THE BLOB is reported to have said "FAN-tast-IC, he owes me MON-ey."

Yoo should know...

Legally Blonde: a Trans-Gendered, Trans-Species Performance

SAN FRANCISCO, CA. The star of the new musical Legally Blonde was involved in a serious traffic accident today in downtown San Francisco. The star's mini coop was crushed by an oncoming tank when it made a left hand turn into her vehicle. The actress was immediately rushed to St. Mary's Medical Center where it was discovered she had a severe case of Vox Incognito and leaving her director wondering what he was going to do. "It's not like there are a million singing blondes out there who can play Elle. I was in a quandry and then I discovered the other motorist was a singing dinosaur" said Aiken. Apparently the show will open this weekend, not with a blonde actress, but a blonde male dinosaur. Meet Maurice the Pissy French Dinosaur, former operatic singer for the Paris Metropolitan Opera. Mr. Pissy French will be sporting a blonde wig and pink cravat, but critics, including this reporter, insist this will be a performance of a life time. It may be what this musical really needed. Doesn't every musical need a French Dinosaur?

Post 'Oliday Problems...

Ee am reviewing te zituation. Ee do no tink Ee should 'ave 'ad children. Oh oui! Tey are zo cute, zo sweet, zo rewarding, but alas, vit zo many of tem being teenagers now Ee am no zure Ee can 'andle eet. Babette zays: "Oh la la, Maurice yoo should 'ave tought of tat before ve got married! Eet ees yoor problem now too! Vhat are ve to do?" Oui, vhat are ve to do...

Eet ees Fume Blanc. Again. 'E 'as taken 'is youngest zister, Beaujolais, under 'is ving and now she ees tinking of becoming a vegan too. Ee do no tink Ee can 'andle te shame. Two vegans in te family. Vhat vill te oter dinosaur families zay? Eet vas bad enough vit one, but now two? Shoot me now. Just do eet!

Ee can no longer go to te country club as eet es. Godzilla 'as been ribbing me for months about Fume Blanc. Ee can 'ear teir vhispers. Ee know te Basylisk vill no play tennis vit me because of eet. 'E zays: "Maurice, it's bad enough, old boy, you eat cheese! Give me a hearty meal of uncooked flesh anyday of the week. All this cheese stuff is complete nonsense I tell you!" And now, 'e ignores me vhen Ee valk eento a room. Ee should give 'im vhat ees vhat! Tat ees vhat Ee should do!

Ee just can no picture Fume Blanc and Beaujolais running rampant in a field of zoy terrorizing te plants. Eet ees just not te zame. Oh te shame of eet all. Oh te shame!

Ooh La La Te 'Olidays!!

Ee am stuffed. Non, really Ee am. Ee am zo stuffed eet ees painful to type! First tere vas Zolstice Feast, ten tere vas Christmas Dinner, ten ve celebrated Boxing Day and Kwanzaa (two feasts een one! Oh te memories!) And of course ve had Hanukkah every night. Eet vas all zo...tasty! Ee vill miss te 'olidays...[zigh]

Een te days after New Years Feast (ahhh zaurkraut, 'ow Ee adore eet!) Ee 'ave been vatching dachshund wresting een my living room. Ahh oui, Ee am back from France (eet vas zo beautiful, zo vonderful, zo french!) Ee tink my children vould like tis sport, but zadly tey are not 'ere, but back een school again in Paris (except for Fume Blanc vho staged a protest against te use of animal products at 'is school and ees now studying een Japan vere soy and tofu abound). Non, non, eet ees not on t.v. eiter. Apparently Clifford (Ee 'ate saying 'is name like tat, eet should be Cleefford. Ee tink Ee vill call 'im tat from now on--eet ees zo much easier!) Alors, Cleefford and Zamanta are wrestling together zo tat Cleefford's nails vill be trim. 'E vould 'ave none of eet tough. Eet ees very funny and eet tink eet is more amusing to vatch tan any reality show on t.v. (tough Ee do like "Vintage Vine" te reality show vhere yoo 'ave to make te vine!) Cleefford ees very sneaky tat dachshund! 'Ours of amusement Ee tell yoo!

Tere vas no family drama tis year. No one vas naughty, everyone ate, eet vas all good and ten James Brown died. Ee vas very zad zo ve 'ad a memorial feast and played J.B. music all night, danced, and ate our vine and cheese. Eet vas a good night. Ten Ford died and that vas even zadder. No feasting, though ve still celebrated our 'oliday. Zamanta called to zay 'er zister vas zinging in te funeral and ve should vatch. Ve did and ve zaw her, but tat's eet. Nothing more. Apparently tey locked te choir up before and after te service zo tey could no do anyting. Tough one choir member ran eento Mrs. Carter een the batroom and spoke to 'er before she realized vho she vas. (She didn't 'ave 'er glasses on apparently!) Ee am glad Ee do not vear glasses, Ee 'ope Ee vill never make tat mistake! Anyvay, Amanda ees all over te papers in Grand Rapids because she vas een te front row of te choir. Not even tirty and she 'as already 'ad 'er fifteen minutes of fame! Ooh la la! Ee should be zo lucky. Tough Zamanta zays Ee am not famous, but infamous vhich ees better anyvay.

Vell, tat ees all Ee 'ave to report for now. Ee am going to go back to vatching dachshund wrestling een te living room. My bet ees on Cleefford. Ee do no tink Zamanta ees going to vin tis round eiter!