Sponsoring Paris Hilton...

Ee know. Vhat did Ee do to deserve tis? One moment Ee am free and clear and te next te judge calls me up and zays: "Maurice, we'd really like you to be Paris Hilton's sponsor until she goes to jail" Eet ees official, my life zucks! Ee do no vant Paris Hilton. Ee do no vant to be a sponsor. 'Ave tey looked at my record? 'Ave tey noticed Ee am not in AA? Vhat ees te vorld coming to. Ee tink Ee need a drink.

Perhaps eet vas only a joke, n'est ce pas? Eef Ee 'ave to sponsor tat girl first ting ve are doing ees going to get her some zense for fashion, food, drinking, dogs, yoo name eet, ve are going to re-vrite te vhole brain! Ee still tink Ee should just 'ave 'er for dinner, only Ee do no tink she vould go very far...

Een oter news, my paper at te Medieval Congress vent vell. Eet vas received very vell especially after Ee flashed tem my shiney teeth. Tere vas much drinking, much socialization, and much 'ummus consumed. Yoo all should 'ave been tere! Ee did zo vell Ee am going to start vorking on my paper for next year...but eet ees a secret, Ee vould no vant Lowly Worm to get a 'old of eet since 'e ees far too interested in my area of research zuddenly. Absolutely no originallity een 'is brain at all. Perhaps 'e vould be a good match for Paris Hilton? Ee vas disappointed Buttercup slimmed down. Eet makes 'is name less appropriate, but good for 'im never the less. Michael Bolton vas tere, though 'e zeemed far too ordinary to be of any fun tis year, and Ee missed zome of te oter "special" characters. All in all, tere vas my paper/rant on Chaucer, and zome drinking, and Ee slept, and Ee ate an anoying troll vit a pager in te library because...eet ees a long story and Ee vill no go into eet now, and Ee ate zeveral cell phones tat vould no stop annoying me at 6:40 am and every 10 minutes tere after for 50 minutes--Ee need my beauty sleep yoo know, and ten Ee bit te 'ead off te man een te zeat een front of me on te air plane last night for being a moron and no knowing to put 'is zeatback forward vhen ve landed. Grrrr....but 'e no taste like buffalo vings, zo Ee vas disappointed yet again.

Zo Cleeford picked me up at te airport. 'E vas very excited, zo excited 'e jumped into my arms and urinated all over me. Tat's friendship eef ever Ee knew eet! Ee am marked for life. Ten 'e drove me 'ome. Picture tat eef yoo vill. Cleeford drove me home. Ee 'ad to ride on te top of te vehicle, because my girth no fit een te mini coop. Ee vas no entirely certain ve vould get out of te lot alive, much less home, but ve did. He ees a very talented dachshund Ee tell yoo, very talented indeed. Een fact next year ve might give a paper together at te Congress, 'e 'as discovered a lost Dachshundian papyrus relating te tale of King Arthur, te dragon Morris, and zaint Zabastian of te Flowering Log called "King Arthur and the Dachshunds of Ys." Ee vill relate eet to yoo another time. Ee must go now and eat my mid afternoon snack...tat politician tere looks very tasty...perhaps 'e vill taste like buffalo vings!