'Appy Birtday Cleeford!

Ee took zome time off tis weekend from my busy schedule to celebrate Cleeford's birtday. Eet vas fabulous eef Ee do zay zo myself! First ve vent to te most expensive steak house een town. Eet vas on Van Ness Ave (named for Nessy's Flemish cousin Van). Eet vas quite an experience. First ve 'ad zome sparkling vater, ten ve 'ad zome Coppela vine, ten ve ordered the ahi tuna followed by te steak vit te blue cheese, and ve 'ad some baked potato. Eet vas very tasty and even tough our vaiter vas terrified of us once ve told 'im vho Ee vas 'e vas more interested een helping us. Ten ve vent vit Nessy on a tour of te Bay and caught zome jazz een Oakland. Eet vas a pleasant evening. For 'is birtday Cleeford got a giant bone, zome pig ears, a rope piggy, and a squeeky squirrel vit a fluffy tail. 'E vas quite happy.

Een oter news Ee 'ave been looking for a new 'ome. Ee tink 'Earst Castle vould zuffice, but eet ees zo far away from everyting. Tough tere ees plenty of steak out tere, eet ees miles away from all my friends...tough Ee tink te indoor pool might be worth eet. Ee am also looking into Pacific Heights neighborhood. Now tere ees zome zizable 'ouses. Makes Zamanta's 'ouse look like a lean-too. Ee tink tey are better tan the 'ouses een Sea Cliff.

Ee am zorry to zay, Ee am responsible for te eartquake last week. Ee vas very angry and een my anger management class Ee 'ave to admit vhen Ee 'ave trown a tantrum. Ee vas very upset tat tey 'ad no more tickets to the Reduced Shakespeare Company's production of the History of America Ee vanted to take Cleeford for 'is birtday, but tey did not 'ave enough tickets and Ee trew a 'issy fit. Nessy vas tere and she vas no 'appy eiter, vhich ees vhy eet vas a 3.4, ve vere both 'oppin' mad. Anyway, tere ees one less ticket agent een te vorld today. Zo again Ee 'ave to go to court, because Ee made a "faux pas" or as Cleeford zometime zays a "fox pass". 'E ees zo uncouth for 'aving a PhD in Ancient Dachshundian Literature, 'is canine jokes do not amuse me at all. Ee, incidently, gave 'im French lessons for 'is birtday, but 'e did not zeem very excited about eet at all. Ee vonder vhy?

'Ob Nobbing Vit Te Ztars...

Eet 'as been zo long zince last Ee 'ad time to post zometing original. All Ee can zay ees tat Ee am now a ztar in Zan Francisco. Eet ees FABulous, dahhhling. Zimply FabUlous! Ee eat out all te time. Ee eat a lot of lobster, zushi, and anyting vit cheese. Ee like te margaritas, the martinis, and of course te vine. 'Ow could Ee 'ave forgotten te vine? Oh mon Dieu! Eef only Ee 'ad realized my true calling vas acting Ee could have been Famous much zooner. Vell, obviously tings are going vell.

Ee and my co-star, Margarite te Chiauaua, 'ave been 'aving a blast out every night until 4 am, dining and drinking till dawn. Eet 'as been zo much fun to 'ave a friend who understands me. Ee zhould 'ave taken up vit te Mexicans years ago! Tonight ve are going out for French, Ee know eet vill be good. Eet vill be French! AAaahh, 'ow Ee love tis city!!

On Monday, Ee am off to look for a new place to live. Perhaps a mansion. Perhaps an armory. Perhaps Ee vill take over Sausalito!! Aaahh, te choices. Eet ees fabulous being rich. Ee 'ad forgotten vhat eet ees like! Perhaps Ee vill spend zome time on Ebay...Ee always vanted Elton John's rhinestone studded glasses....

Society Page: Legally Blonde Gala Event a Smash!

San Francisco, Ca. Opening night of the new musical Legally Blonde had an attendence most directors would have had nightmares over. The evening started with the arrival of the Basilysk, looking dapper in his tuxedo and top hat. "Of course I came to support my good friend Maurice, just because his children are going vegan doesn't mean I can't celebrate his success!" Also in attendence was The Loch Ness Monster, Nessy, in a Chistian Deor original. "Honestly lad, It's about time someONE created a positive role for dinosaurs. Congradulations to Maurice for being the first one to pull it off!" Nessy was accompanied by her new fiance "The Worm" formerly known as the-dragon-that-got-slew-by-Beowulf looking buff in his new designer "hood" gear. "Maurice? Good for him I say. I'm tired of being portrayed as "bad," what do I look like Michael Jackson or something? Really, just because I made some deal with that scrawny Wiglaf guy--who incidently nearly bled me dry with all the "Chuck, listen, if you don't pay me others will come and kill you" crap..." Nessy proceeded to interupt her darling with a "Chuck dear, it was 1200 years ago. Let it go. Remember what Dr. Faustus said: "Breathe in, breathe out, and don't spit fire..." Everyone from the Giant Squid Earle, looking stunning in his diamond studded rapper suit, to the famous Sled Dachshunds, in their Eiko "flower" originals, attended the event. "Of course we're here! We wouldn't miss an opprotunity to watch Maurice become self sufficent, would you?" Attending with the dachshunds was Captain Swiffer the Cat, also in an Eiko orignal looking like a daffodil. He seemed rather absent minded and thought he was attending a horror moving screening, which wasn't really all that surprising considering the company he was in. "Sometimes" lead dachshund Hoover Windtunnel said in his red tulip Eiko, "he thinks he's being knighted by the Queen despite the fact he's American." Regina Carpet Sweeper, dressed as an Eiko daisy, insisted "He really is good at navigation...he always helps us land on our feet in the Artic, we don't know what we'd do without him." "It was that winter he spent with the polar bears I tell you" reported Oreck, looking like a talking sunflower. "Indeed" muttered all the dachshunds in all their flora. Conspicuouly absent was THE BLOB, who is in Japan this week celebrating the annual Blob Marathon. When told of the musical THE BLOB is reported to have said "FAN-tast-IC, he owes me MON-ey."