No Zun, te Bubonic Plague, and Fume Blanc Goes Vegan...
Vhat ees vit tis place? Eet ees zuposed to be zummer now, but te zun 'as disappeared. Ee personally tink the parking police took eet because eet vas parked on te 'orizon too long! Grrrr....Eet 'as been cloudy for two days now. Ee am not 'appy. And vhen Ee am unhappy everyone ees unhappy.
Zo after reading te bubonic plague vas an epidemic 'ere 100 years ago Ee decided to zend Polly Ann to te vet. Ee do not care eef she 'as an ice cream shop, eef she 'as te plague she can no longer eat my cheese! Ee zent Clifford vit 'er, vhich means the gray cat and Ozzy are vit me now playing poker. (Ve are taking a break vhile te cat goes to te ATM at 7/11 and picks up zome more snacks.)
My zon called me tis morning to tell me 'e ees going vegan. Ee tought eet bad enough 'e became a vegetarian, but vegan? Ee am now shamed. My own zon. Mon petit Fume Blanc! Vhat ees tis vorld coming to? To give up cheese! Eet ees a zacrelidge! Vhat vill Ee do? Vhat eef all my children become vegans? Vhat vill Zolstice dinner be like ten? Ee do not tink Ee can eat tofufurky. Eet ees just zo vrong. Fortunately 'e ees not coming to visit anytime too zoon. Ee guess Ee could feed him...no, no ideas vhat zo ever! 'E must be a 'ippy. Ee can not explain eet anyoter vay. Fume Blanc ees a 'ippy (or Baccus forbid, part of a strange-no-animal-product-eatting-religous-zect)!
Te cat ees back. Zo Ee must go and eat my cheetos and pork rinds (vhich by te vay go very nicely vit merlot). Ee am up and plan to stay tat vay. Zometing should go good for me today!
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Zince Vhen Are Good Deeds Punishable?
Zo Ee vas guilted eento getting Zamanta's glasses fixed and Ee vent down to te medical center and Ee found a good place to park my tank and Ee even filled te meter for an 'our. Ten Ee stomped across te street te get te glasses fixed and 'ad to vait. Zo Ee vaited, and vaited, and vaited, and vaited, and vaited, and vaited, and vaited (yoo get te picture). After an 'our and fifteen minutes zomeone finally zaw me and 'elped me. Te voman took te glasses te a back room and disappeared for another twenty minutes and ten came back vit te glasses as good as new. No charge. Ee vas feeling pretty good and 'oped Ee vould get back to te tank before te meter maid came back. Ee zort of did. Ee got back to a ticket not for an expired meter, but to incorrect parking. My wheeles vere not properly positioned for being on a 'ill. VHAT BLEEEPING hhHILL???!!! TAT VAS NO 'ILL!!! AND 'OW VAS EE TE PARK A TANK ANYVAY TE VHEELS DO NOT TURN ZO!!!! Grrrrrrr......
Zo Ee took my ticket and got eento te tank and Ee looked up "pig-headed-parking-police" in my GPS system and drove off. Ee ran every red light, hit 16 cars, ran over 3 pedestrians--but swerved to miss te donut truck, and crashed eento the parking police's front door. Ee jumped out of te tank and began biting everyting Ee could zee and ten te Rhino came out of 'is office.
"What are you doing?" te Rhino asked. "Ee am mad!! Ee got a parking ticket and Ee do not deserve eet!" Ee zaid. "Uh huh. You expect me to believe that?" "Oui!!! Tat vas no 'ill!!" "Let me see your ticket." 'E paused for a moment and ten zaid "That hill has a 3 percent grade, I'm sorry but you will have to pay the fine." Ee got mad, Ee got really mad and ten conviently Ee blacked out. Vhen Ee awoke Ee 'ad eatten te entire office and burned eet to te ground. And zo Ee got eento my tank and vent 'ome, but stopped off for ice cream first.
And zo 'ere Ee zit vaiting for te other paw te drop. Clifford zays Ee am lucky everyone ees afaid of me otervise Ee'd be back een jail. But Ee personally tink everyone knows tat vas no real 'ill. And Ee know Ee conviently left no vitnesses zo tey can not know eet vas me. My lawyer, te Giraffe, zays no one liked te parking police anyway zo eet vas no big loss, but Ee still 'ave to pay te fine. Grrr....Grrr..Grrrrrrr.....
Zo Ee vas guilted eento getting Zamanta's glasses fixed and Ee vent down to te medical center and Ee found a good place to park my tank and Ee even filled te meter for an 'our. Ten Ee stomped across te street te get te glasses fixed and 'ad to vait. Zo Ee vaited, and vaited, and vaited, and vaited, and vaited, and vaited, and vaited (yoo get te picture). After an 'our and fifteen minutes zomeone finally zaw me and 'elped me. Te voman took te glasses te a back room and disappeared for another twenty minutes and ten came back vit te glasses as good as new. No charge. Ee vas feeling pretty good and 'oped Ee vould get back to te tank before te meter maid came back. Ee zort of did. Ee got back to a ticket not for an expired meter, but to incorrect parking. My wheeles vere not properly positioned for being on a 'ill. VHAT BLEEEPING hhHILL???!!! TAT VAS NO 'ILL!!! AND 'OW VAS EE TE PARK A TANK ANYVAY TE VHEELS DO NOT TURN ZO!!!! Grrrrrrr......
Zo Ee took my ticket and got eento te tank and Ee looked up "pig-headed-parking-police" in my GPS system and drove off. Ee ran every red light, hit 16 cars, ran over 3 pedestrians--but swerved to miss te donut truck, and crashed eento the parking police's front door. Ee jumped out of te tank and began biting everyting Ee could zee and ten te Rhino came out of 'is office.
"What are you doing?" te Rhino asked. "Ee am mad!! Ee got a parking ticket and Ee do not deserve eet!" Ee zaid. "Uh huh. You expect me to believe that?" "Oui!!! Tat vas no 'ill!!" "Let me see your ticket." 'E paused for a moment and ten zaid "That hill has a 3 percent grade, I'm sorry but you will have to pay the fine." Ee got mad, Ee got really mad and ten conviently Ee blacked out. Vhen Ee awoke Ee 'ad eatten te entire office and burned eet to te ground. And zo Ee got eento my tank and vent 'ome, but stopped off for ice cream first.
And zo 'ere Ee zit vaiting for te other paw te drop. Clifford zays Ee am lucky everyone ees afaid of me otervise Ee'd be back een jail. But Ee personally tink everyone knows tat vas no real 'ill. And Ee know Ee conviently left no vitnesses zo tey can not know eet vas me. My lawyer, te Giraffe, zays no one liked te parking police anyway zo eet vas no big loss, but Ee still 'ave to pay te fine. Grrr....Grrr..Grrrrrrr.....
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Riding on te Gravy Train...
Toot toot! Ee 'ave decided Ee need a new ocupation. Not tat gambling and drinking are bad ocupations, Ee just tink eet ees time Ee explored my options. Ee am now...Ee do not remember 'ow old Ee am. Ee tink Ee stopped counting after my tird millenium. Zo, Ee vas een te back yard drinking vine and vatching Clifford gardening vhen my squatter approached me.
Me: Bonjour.
Rat: Bonjour.
Me: Do yoo 'ave any particular reason to be 'ere?
Rat: Well yes.
Me: And tat ees?
Rat: Oh yes, well actually I've been temporarily evicted.
Me: From vhere?
Rat: Oh I was living down at the beach in the sewer, but the humans are doing some construction down there and I had to find a new temporary residence.
Me: Really? And yoo chose tis place?
Rat: Well yes. When I moved in there wasn't much of a yard and certainly no dinosaur.
Me: Ee see.
Rat: Is he your gardener?
Me: Clifford? No, 'e ees te zecurity zystem.
Rat: Seriously? He's not even 14 lbs!
Me: Tough little guy tough. Vorks more like a zecurity blanket. Yoo break een and zee te cute dog and start to play vit 'im.
Rat: Rrrriiight.
Me: Yoo got a name?
Rat: Polly Ann.
Me: Yoo related to Polly Ann's on Noriega street?
Rat: That's me.
Me: Zeriously? Yoo own Polly Ann's Ice Cream?
Rat: Yes of course, do you like it?
(much gushing and fawning at tis point)
Rat: I have a gallon of blueberry cheesecake and a case of Cianti would you like some?
Me: Cianti....Ee 'ave a daughter named Cianti..
And zo ve drank and ate and drank and ate and ate zomemore and Clifford ate zome and te zun vas shining and eet vas warm and ve laughed and laughed and Ee velcomed Polly Ann to te neighborhood.
Now Ee know Ee vas to get rid of Polly Ann, but 'ow can Ee turn down vine and ice cream. Eet ees like te voman could zee my zoul. Ee told 'er she could stay as long as she needed. Ee 'ave worked eet out vit everyone. Ve all get ice cream. Ve are all 'appy as a stegasaurus stomping trough te stream.
Ee vill start Jenny Craig after Polly Ann leaves.
Toot toot! Ee 'ave decided Ee need a new ocupation. Not tat gambling and drinking are bad ocupations, Ee just tink eet ees time Ee explored my options. Ee am now...Ee do not remember 'ow old Ee am. Ee tink Ee stopped counting after my tird millenium. Zo, Ee vas een te back yard drinking vine and vatching Clifford gardening vhen my squatter approached me.
Me: Bonjour.
Rat: Bonjour.
Me: Do yoo 'ave any particular reason to be 'ere?
Rat: Well yes.
Me: And tat ees?
Rat: Oh yes, well actually I've been temporarily evicted.
Me: From vhere?
Rat: Oh I was living down at the beach in the sewer, but the humans are doing some construction down there and I had to find a new temporary residence.
Me: Really? And yoo chose tis place?
Rat: Well yes. When I moved in there wasn't much of a yard and certainly no dinosaur.
Me: Ee see.
Rat: Is he your gardener?
Me: Clifford? No, 'e ees te zecurity zystem.
Rat: Seriously? He's not even 14 lbs!
Me: Tough little guy tough. Vorks more like a zecurity blanket. Yoo break een and zee te cute dog and start to play vit 'im.
Rat: Rrrriiight.
Me: Yoo got a name?
Rat: Polly Ann.
Me: Yoo related to Polly Ann's on Noriega street?
Rat: That's me.
Me: Zeriously? Yoo own Polly Ann's Ice Cream?
Rat: Yes of course, do you like it?
(much gushing and fawning at tis point)
Rat: I have a gallon of blueberry cheesecake and a case of Cianti would you like some?
Me: Cianti....Ee 'ave a daughter named Cianti..
And zo ve drank and ate and drank and ate and ate zomemore and Clifford ate zome and te zun vas shining and eet vas warm and ve laughed and laughed and Ee velcomed Polly Ann to te neighborhood.
Now Ee know Ee vas to get rid of Polly Ann, but 'ow can Ee turn down vine and ice cream. Eet ees like te voman could zee my zoul. Ee told 'er she could stay as long as she needed. Ee 'ave worked eet out vit everyone. Ve all get ice cream. Ve are all 'appy as a stegasaurus stomping trough te stream.
Ee vill start Jenny Craig after Polly Ann leaves.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
No Rest For Te Vicked...
Grrr.....Zo te trial vent smoothly. Diamond Dave did 'is job. Vhat Ee did not count on vas my ban from ALL airports FOREVER. Grrr...Ee 'ad te valk back from Arizona. Ee am not 'appy as Ee ruined my only shoes (Eet ees not easy being a dinosaur, ve 'ave no "discount outlets" for us). Ee did manage to zend Burgundy off te 'is mother. Apparently te "Dixie Chicks" did not vant 'im eiter; mostly because 'e vas not a chick, but a dinosuar. Ee am back in Zan Francisco now and am attempting to reclaim my yard from Ratty McRat. 'E ees very sneaky tat rat. Ee zuppose eet might be going better eef Ee did not spend zo much time at Te Park Chalet drinking vine and eatting fried brie vit Ozzy, but Ee 'ave eatten noting but "road food" for zeveral days and prison food and Ee deserve zome good meals. Ee vill start Jenny Craig zoon, Ee promise.
Clifford 'as taken up gardening. Zince 'e only zees een black and vhite 'e ees not zo good at picking out colors for te yard. Zo far everting ees purple and vhite. Ee told 'im 'e needs zome orange. 'E zays Ee just like to say orANge because Ee am French. Ee can not help eet eef Ee am French, Ee am just better tat vay. Ee promised to go to te garden center and help pick out colors, but Clifford zays Ee 'ave no taste! Ee told 'im "Ee am French! Ee am all taste!" Clifford replied "Yeah well I've seen some of that crap the french put out and try and call it haute culture." (yoo 'ave to imagine 'im spiting at te end otervise eet does not 'ave te zame effect.) "Te French invented Taste!" Ee zaid. Clifford replied "And that's why everyone drives French cars, wears high French fashion, and eats frog legs for dinner everynight!" "Tat ees because Americans 'ave no taste!" 'E might 'ave zaid zomething, but eet vas under 'is breath and Ee could not hear eet. Anyvay Ee vill sip my vine and vatch 'im garden. Eet ees a good plan, n'est pas?
Grrr.....Zo te trial vent smoothly. Diamond Dave did 'is job. Vhat Ee did not count on vas my ban from ALL airports FOREVER. Grrr...Ee 'ad te valk back from Arizona. Ee am not 'appy as Ee ruined my only shoes (Eet ees not easy being a dinosaur, ve 'ave no "discount outlets" for us). Ee did manage to zend Burgundy off te 'is mother. Apparently te "Dixie Chicks" did not vant 'im eiter; mostly because 'e vas not a chick, but a dinosuar. Ee am back in Zan Francisco now and am attempting to reclaim my yard from Ratty McRat. 'E ees very sneaky tat rat. Ee zuppose eet might be going better eef Ee did not spend zo much time at Te Park Chalet drinking vine and eatting fried brie vit Ozzy, but Ee 'ave eatten noting but "road food" for zeveral days and prison food and Ee deserve zome good meals. Ee vill start Jenny Craig zoon, Ee promise.
Clifford 'as taken up gardening. Zince 'e only zees een black and vhite 'e ees not zo good at picking out colors for te yard. Zo far everting ees purple and vhite. Ee told 'im 'e needs zome orange. 'E zays Ee just like to say orANge because Ee am French. Ee can not help eet eef Ee am French, Ee am just better tat vay. Ee promised to go to te garden center and help pick out colors, but Clifford zays Ee 'ave no taste! Ee told 'im "Ee am French! Ee am all taste!" Clifford replied "Yeah well I've seen some of that crap the french put out and try and call it haute culture." (yoo 'ave to imagine 'im spiting at te end otervise eet does not 'ave te zame effect.) "Te French invented Taste!" Ee zaid. Clifford replied "And that's why everyone drives French cars, wears high French fashion, and eats frog legs for dinner everynight!" "Tat ees because Americans 'ave no taste!" 'E might 'ave zaid zomething, but eet vas under 'is breath and Ee could not hear eet. Anyvay Ee vill sip my vine and vatch 'im garden. Eet ees a good plan, n'est pas?
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