'Ello? Mr. Police Officer?...

Okay, Ee am no zo 'appy as of late. Vhat ees vit tis neighborhood? Ee am no zo zure vhy anyone vanted to steal my recycling bin, but now tey 'ave stolen a flower out of my yard. Oui! Ee know eet! Vho valks by my yard and tinks "ooh, how lovely, a yellow snapdragon. I think I'll take it home...roots and all!" Vhat te *&%^!! Tey took the vhole flower. Tey dug it up and ten, tey overturned another because...eet vas fun? Vhat the holy bleeping bleep of a bleeping bleepidy bleep bleep bleep!!! Vhat ees vrong vit tese people?!!! Ee can no report tem stolen because Ee tried. Te conversation vent like zo:


Me: Ello? Ee vould like to speak to zomeone about a teft.

Police: Okay, what is the nature of the theft?

Me: Zomeone stole a flower from my yard.

Police: A flower? You mean a singe piece of vegitation?

Me: Oui! Tey dug eet up, roots and all!

Police: I'm sorry, but we don't do that sort of thing.

Me: Vhat zort of ting? Zomebody stole a flower out of my yard!!

Police: So, what would you estimate the price of the flower to be?

Me: Te flower vas um, vell Ee do no know. $2.00 maybe? And te labor of planting eet vas like um $3.00

Police: Yes, well we aren't going to go out looking for a $5.00 plant when we have other more pressing matters like homicide to attend too.

Me: But vait! Ee vould like to report an 'omicide too!!

Police: You have a homicide to report?

Me: Oui! Zomebody killed a flower in my yard. Tey dug eet up and turned eet over to die!

Police: I'm sorry sir, but that is not a homicide.

Me: Oui, eet ees!

Police: We only investigate human murders, not plant murders.

Me: Yoo racist! How dare yoo insinuate a plant do no 'ave te zame rights as a 'uman. Vhat ees vit yoo people?

Police: Sir, I'm hanging up the phone now. Please do not call again.


Zo, Ee am taking matters eento my own paws! Ee vill 'unt down te murdering teif and Ee vill make 'im buy me new plants and ten Ee vill toss tem eento my NEW recycling bin and dump tem eento te ocean...Brewhahahaha! Brewhahahah! Okay, actually Ee vill just rip tere head off after tey plant my new flower. Ee am zo distressed! Ee need a glass of vine...MAINTENANT!!!