Mail Call...

Zo te mail came today and eventough Ee have been 'ere a week and my trial ees tomorrow, my mail came today. C'est la vie. 'Ere ees a zample of my mail:

Dear Maurice,
How are you? I hope you are fine. Sorry about the whole jail thing we actually kind of miss you right now. Um, we need you to come home soon; there is a problem in the backyard. His name, well he won't actually give us his name so we are calling him Ratty McRat. We don't like him much because he's taken up residence between the Bulgarians and us. So between Ratty and Skunky (hanging out next door in the Chinese neighbors disused backyard)we could use some teeth around here.
Thanks a bunch,
Clifford the Little Red Dachshund

Maurice,
I have to say I'm a bit disappointed in your behavior at the airport. I hope you learned a valuable lesson here. I have spoken with your lawyers (both here and in Tuscan) and have been informed you'll be home soon. As for things around here I regret to inform you that you missed sushi twice last week. We went not only to the sushi boat place, but to Yoshi's and listened to jazz. Hopefully you'll be back in time to go for Dinosaur Opera Nite, though we are not ordering the sea urchin again. In other news your home has been invaded by a rather suspicious rat. He's taking over the neighborhood. I think the skunk next door has moved out. Sorry, I know you were close. Clifford and I both would like you to come home soon and deal with Mr. Rat.
All best,
Samantha

Maurice,
Hey, how's it going? Please come home soon. The rat has taken over my yard and is scaring my human kids. Technically he's on your side of the fence, but living between our houses. I can't get to him. What if he's a plague carrying rat? What if everyone gets sick and dies? Who will feed me then? So, um, forget everything I've ever said about you and please come home soon.
Good luck,
Vinnie the Bulgarian Beagle

Dearest Maurice,
Have you missed me? I have missed you. It has been such a long time since last we went gambling. Sorry to hear about your situation. I sincerly hope it is rectified soon. Give me a call when you get back in to town.
Gertrude the Gambling Jellyfish

Mon Cher Maurice,
Ee can not believe yoo are een jail again! Vhat vas eet tis time? Drunken and disorderly conduct? Eet ees a good ting ve are divorced. And vhere ees Burgundy? Vhy 'as 'e not returned 'ome? Vhat kind of a vater are yoo? A miserable example tat's vhat yoo are! 'Ow could Ee 'ave been zo zupid? Ee don't know vhy Ee boter vit yoo! Oh yes, because Ee married yoo!! Grrrr...Call me vhen yoo are out of jail. Ve need to discuss Fume Blanc and our anniversary plans for tis year.
love,
Babette

Cher Papa,
Ee 'ave made a great decision. After many months of tought Ee 'ave decided to become a vegetarian. Ee know, Ee know tat ve 'ave been carnivors since te dawn of te dinosaurs, but Ee can not take te confusion anymore and Ee 'ave decided eet ees better to eat no meat tan to vorry about eating a good person or making a mistake and ending up een te Antartica Prison for Deviant Dinosaurs. Ee 'ope yoo can live vit my decision and Ee 'ope yoo get out of jail zoon.
love,
Fume Blanc
P.S. Mama ees only upset because she doesn't know vhat to zerve for Vinter Zolstice dinner. Ee promise to take my vitamins zo Ee vill stay 'ealthy.

Maurice,
Hey, sorry about the jail thing. I just wanted to let you know I've moved temporarily. I'd like to go to Park Chalet when you get back, it's been a long time since I've been there and I've heard they've got a new wine list. You can locate me at:
Ozastomiac Skunk
3rd Dead log on the left
Cyprus Forrest
Golden Gate Park
San Francisco, CA 94122
Good luck,
Ozzy the Oderous Skunk

Tis ees my life. Ee am gone two veeks and a rat moves een. Vhat kind of vorld ees tis? Rats no respecting dinosuars, carnivours becoming vegatarians, card sharks writing me mail, my ex-vife vanting to plan an anniversary trip, and dogs asking for my help. Vhat am Ee a vigilante? Non! Ee am Maurice, te Pissy French Dinosaur and Ee do noting nobody asks--right after Ee take care of Ratty McRat. 'E should fear me! Ee am T-Rex, 'ear me roar rat, 'ear me roar! And ten Ee vill go for vine vit Ozzy.